Girlpants and Gasoline now available in print!

Girlpants and Gasoline is now available in print!


That's my personal shop page which allows you to order a copy all for yourself! An Amazon page should be automatically listed in a few days for those of you who get free Prime shipping (I think it'll work but we'll see), just know that Amazon takes twice as much of your money if you order through their page as opposed to mine. (But hey, Prime shipping is a godsend).

That said, I will be ordering copies myself if you wish to buy a signed copy!

So if you want a copy in person or to give me cash directly (best royalties for me!) I'll have some available myself shortly, and will be stocking some in my local Barnes & Noble for the holiday season.

In Which I Declare War on Christmas

Well, it's December 4th, and that means two things:


1. If my copy of the Dark Knight Trilogy doesn't arrive today, I'm going to be pissed at Amazon. And

2. I've already heard about the "War" on Christmas enough since before Thanksgiving that I feel compelled to put down my Christmas playlist and beloved Santa hat to say something moderate but eloquent enough that it tempers detraction.


Well fuck that. I'm tired and it's old hat and it's the cool thing to do at this point. Call me a hipster, but I'm done pretending like I'm defending moderation for any reason other than showing off how smart I am in front of stupid, pretentious assholes on the internet (a futile endeavor).

I hereby declare, even ironically, even if it's the next-level hipster thing to do, war against Christmas. I swear to Satan and un-God and whoever to hereby perpetuate a wonderful, happy celebration of love and good will completely devoid of non-secular symbolism and meaning, owing in large part to the glorified Valentine's Day that is Japanese Christmas, or the toys and Krumpus of the Dutch and Germanic lands.

I also declare war on Switzerland, because they've gotten away with this neutrality thing for far too long.

I declare war on Poland, because why the fuck not.

I declare jihad against any mention of the word "Hobbit" between now and whenever Peter Jackson decides his next halfling needs to be a Jawa.

And why the hell not, let's declare war on Bill O'Reilly. Maybe it'll give him something to talk about.

And lets not forget to declare war on James T. Kirk and the Federation of Planets,
as Gretchen Carlson is apparently also Kahn Noonien Singh.

Mid-Week Miscellany

In honor of my job giving me off on an idle Wednesday, I'm slacking off on coming up with a long, themed rant for today. Instead, here are a bunch of completely unrelated jokes I wrote while I was at work this past week. If there's any inkling of a thematic thread, that would be "Yes, Timmy, there really are stupid questions."


Printing out a coupon for $10 off an entire cheesecake after the purchase of a fitness book is the commercial equivalent of playing dirty pool.

I said, "Stay dry," because it was raining, but it became very awkward when I realized you were over forty and buying Fifty Shades of Grey."

I went to buy a thing online off of Amazon.co.uk but instead they made me buy it "in queue."

A couple walked past me coming back from my break at the chain bookstore, and the guy asked the girl, "What's your dream job?"My first thought was, "Hey. Fuck you, buddy."