Spring Cleaning | It's not Summer until June 21

When you feel like you need a change in your life, and it's 11:00 at night, start with your bookshelf and your closet. That's where I go.

Reclassified a bunch of ratty old t-shirts as pajamas, and some nice-but-itchy pajamas as "guest pajamas," like that'd ever happen. Oh yes, I have so many lady guests clamoring to sleep in nothing but the oversized It's Nerf or Nothin' ringer I picked up at Comic Con. Maybe the Boondock Saints shirt. I had some luck with that one. But not Nerf, no. The ladies do not appreciate a small, floppy cylinder to the face, Go figure.

Hit up the bookshelf, threw some finished books on the main shelf, moved around the on-deck nightstand rack, moved a short story collection I'll never bother with to the living room shelf. Then I realized I've got a lot of bibles for a guy who doesn't like organized religion. I've always found that. Non-religious people always have the most reading material. Part of me wants to say it's because we shopped around a bunch trying to find something we liked, like buying a new washing machine.

Multiple Jewish prayer books, a Torah, two Book of Mormon (off-Broadway),
the Apocrypha and alternate gnostic texts and gospels, two King James,
a Necronomicon, and an interfaith minister's manual. And holy water.
… and three Jesus action figures. I may have a problem.

"Oh, don't touch that pile. I know, it's a mess, but I've been photocopying thirty years worth of Consumer Reports to track trends in the structural integrity of washing machine drums shipped from Italy. But only by riverboat."

Really, I think it's that agnostics and atheists love to have all these arguments loaded up beforehand on little index cards, highlighted and ready in case they ever get into an on-air theology battle with devout born-again-and-raised hardline Christian scientist creationists. Prepare your arguments, kids, we'll be discussing this later on in the semester. I'd donate my extra bibles, but for fear of spreading dangerous notions. Feels wrong to throw it away, though. It could help someone, I guess? Maybe I'll just carry it with me on vacation and swap it for another Gideon bible out of a hotel. They want you to take theirs, anyway. Or maybe I could just leaves copies of Eastern philosophy and A Brief History of Time. That would start some discussions!

Except I've never met anyone that I've felt it necessary to debate in public. Mostly, it's just my family, and I know that if they're right about religion, they're also definitely going to hell. In public, all you'll ever find is a bunch of atheists agreeing with each other. Loudly. It's the same as meeting vegetarians. All the ones I've ever met were super-nice about it. We just get separate meals and don't split the maple-bacon ice cream.

You mean I get ALL the maple-bacon ice cream JUST FOR ME?? Man, I love vegetarians.


Oh, and I neatly folded a few dress shirts and put them in a Good Will bag for the tax write-off. There's nothing funny there, I just started paying a little more for better fitted shirts and I make the difference up at the end of tax season. It's smart budgeting, really.

On NeoPets and christianity

[VagDestroyer living up to his name. This is the little blue thing I had.]


Last night I was informed that today's blog post should be my rant about how NeoPets are anti-Christian.

Since I would run out into a busy street for the person who suggested this, I kind of have to. Thus, here is the exact conversation we originally had when I first suggested the Bruce the Penguin/Lucifer connection:

Me: … But a NeoPet is not sacrilegious in any way. WAIT. IT IS!! Neopets are an abomination against God in like 8 different ways!

Jo: Go.

Me: 1) They were not created by god.
2) They evolve online and become different.
3) They're modeled after mythical beasts and demons.
4) Children worship them more than church.
5) You create them yourself, literally playing God to create these abominations.

Jo: Only 5 so far, but yeah you're right.

Me: Ummmm … can your NeoPets marry other pets?

Jo: I don't think so.

Me: Oh, 6) they cannot die. WITCHCRAFT AND SORCERY.
7) YOU WILL COVET COOLER PETS AND THEIR EXPENSIVE BELONGINGS. Eight, eight....
YOU PLAY ON FRIDAYS/SUNDAYS. They work on the sabbath. Huh, apparently 8 + ) [in iChat] equals cool smiley guy. MORE BLASPHEMY!

Jo: All the children who play NeoPets are going to hell.

Me: Yup.

Jo: That's so sad, they don't even know.

Me: Oh, they know Tthey just do not care. THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMN FOR THE LORD. THEY HAVE WASTED THEIR LIVES IN SIN AND MISERY … in the houseee of the rii-hii-zin' sun!!!


So yes, NeoPets are an abomination unto the Lord. As Jew, honestly I'd typically root for them. They're the underdog here. I'd root for them and the New York Mets.

Unfortunately, the reason I was commanded to blog on this topic tonight is that Jo has recently come to learn that the creator of NeoPets is apparently a scientologist. Now I'm not really sure who to side with. On the one hand is organized Christianity which I am not exactly a fan of, but on the other is the systematic embodiment of every reason I hate organized religion to begin with.

Since you my have noted (okay, you didn't but it's totally there, go back and check) I did not capitalize "scientologist" as I did "Jew" and "Christianity," I think you'll find my position clearly demarked.


That's really it. I'm letting this one speak for itself. I'll just add that yes, I signed up for an account, named my little blue thing "VagDestroyer" because that was the only thing that got past the dirty word detector, checked out the games and then said "Screw this noise," before giving away all my stuff and points to Jo, and having her adopt Vag Destroyer. Promises and alimony were exchanged, and a week later VagDestroyer had been abandoned to the dark recesses of the NeoPound. AND I FEEL NOTHING FOR HIM.

Now go expel your thetans.