Showing posts with label paraplegia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paraplegia. Show all posts

Friday, April 30, 2010

In the Spirit of Mitch Hedberg



















This is actually the worst of Hedberg's three comedy albums. Recorded live, it had a lot of material that was being tested for Hedberg's upcoming HBO special. His other CDs,
Strategic Grill Locations and Mitch Altogether are much more polished.


The last week or two have been pretty noteworthy. Instead of Jack Handy, it seems I was channeling the late master of paraprosdokians, Mitch Hedberg.
  • Two things I never learned in college were how to properly take Adderall and the Greek alphabet.

  • I thought someone parked a motorcycle in the little crosswalk between some handicapped parking spaces, but it turned out it was just a guy in a wheelchair. I felt bad and hoped he didn't see me staring, but then I realized he was a quadriplegic and couldn't turn his head. I still felt bad, but at least now I knew he couldn't see me staring.

  • Sometimes I like to stick a blueberry or a raisin inside a raspberry and pretend like I'm eating some new kinda fruit. Then I usually ask why I paid so much for some crappy fruit that tastes like two fruits I already had. What the fuck was I thinking?

  • I want to make a line of t-shirts exclusively for wolves. They'll all be black with pictures of my face straining and howling at a full moon.

  • My friend's car broke down today and started leaking some kinda green liquid on the ground. It was the first time I got to say, "Augh! I'm stepping in tranny fluid!" and it wasn't weird. That's a lie. It was completely weird. Just not as weird as the other times I have to say that.

Friday, March 5, 2010

On Real Life Conversations

I've decided that in order to not have to think up posts for the next couple days, you all have to read the ridiculous back-and-forths I have with real people in real life every day.

These are actual conversations I had with individuals on the horrible internet, verbatim:

On Dignity
Lisa: "I'm planning on going to Walmart."
Lisa: "Do you need anything?"
Me: "If you can pick me up a 6-pack of dignity that'd be super."
Me: "Other than that I'm pretty good."
Lisa: "Oh, shush."
Lisa: "Wait."
Lisa: "That's not a real product, right?"
Me: "LOL, no, no, dignity is not sold in bulk."
Me: "Though it should be."


On Paraplegic Porn
Jin: "Happy birthday, Bagel!"
Jin: "Now go fuck yourself!"
Me: "He'd need a very bendy dick to fuck himself."
Me: "The best videos of that I've seen involve this paraplegic guy…"
Me: "…and he isn't really a looker I'd guess."
Me: "I mean he's no one-legged Beatles ex-wife."
Me: "He's like some crippled English dude with too much free time and a semi-functional wing-wang."

On Gandhi
Me: "But Gandhi worked to not do shit."
Me: "It's called a siut-in. lol" [typo]
K: "Did you just call Ghandi a slut?"
Me: "I wish."
Me: "A slut-in would be so much hotter than a sit-in."
K: "Nah."
K: "Cuz he's Indian."
K: "We just spent 30 minutes talking about it."
Me: "Indira Gandhi sachet-ing around an MTV U stage in a bikini, touting the benefits
of self-collected sea salt and introducing Fall Out Boy…."

On Pop-Punk
Serpentine: "Dude, they're back together! http://www.blink-182.com
Me: "Wow, that's the best possible news for 17 year old skaters in California since Laguna Beach got renewed for a second season."