Thursday, April 30, 2009

Idea for Porn Website

I keep seeing these "FTV Girls." Apparently it means "First Time Video."

Geek market equivalent: "FTL Girls."

All Faster-Than-Light sex, all the time (relative to the observer).

Of Smells You Don't Normally Smell Around the House

I smelled bowling ally french fries with ketchup just now. Just for a second. When I realized what it was I tried to inhale again, longer this time, to see if I could find the scent again.

And just as I thought. Nothing.

Also, Spitfire, are you Lerch? I tried to find some evidence of identity but the best I got was ause of the word "rubbish," so I'm assuming I'm correct.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

On Tradition

If people weren't disappointed not to have it done to them, a twenty-first birthday is actually a pretty horrible thing to do to a person.

"I control your consumption of alcohol in quantity and pace. You have no choice, give in to it. I shall control your state of being until the morrow."

Kinda harsh.

If you really hated someone, you should wish them nothing but twenty-first birthdays forever.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

On Timing, Pt 3

I have class on Wednesdays.

It's a Wednesdays-only class.

At 6:40 p.m. Tuesday my teacher has yet to post either the reading or the source material for what we will discuss.


Monday, April 27, 2009

On Credit Scores

I'm thinking of a number between 350 and 850. Give up? It's my credit score.

I'm assuming, here. As far as I know I have no credit score because the only card of mine that I charge to is actually a check card, so it's basically a debit on steroids. Still, if I have a calculable score, it's supposed to be between 350 and 850.

My mom's credit score is 852.

I have no idea how she did it. But I want in on it.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I Don't Usually Worry, More Like Plan, But I Really Don't Have Time For This Now

Mexico flu a 'potential pandemic'

Mexico flu sparks global action

This is how it begins, people. Time to buy a police-issue glock 17 9mm (so you can use found ammo) and a couple katanas. Hopefully I can raid a police station for body armor before the hordes come out.

On Crazy Weather

I had to put a fleece back on my bed all last week.

Now I'm down to a bed sheet with the windows open all night.

For the last six months I've let out a little yelp of "COLD!" every time I sat on the toilet seat.

Today I sat down and let out a refreshed sigh.

Today a 5 year-old black child with cornrows said I had frizzy hair and big lips.

Binghamton, YOU CRAZY~!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

On Getting What You Ask For

My mother gave me $100 on the condition I not spend it on food, movies, beer or anything else I would typically buy in my daily life. This was special money.

So, frugal as I am and holding to her mandate, I threw the cash in a drawer and promptly forgot about it. In my vain attempts to secure fame and fortune through literary discovery in some men's magazine, I remembered my hidden trust fund.

In hindsight, I could have just ordered the damned thing and said nothing, but 18 issues for $10 is just something I felt the need to talk about. The Jew in me was just so powerful. So, I sent a lengthy email to my mother, reminding her of her demand for my frivolous use of the money, of the odd "yes we know we're kind of a little horrible niche" mentality of the publication, the more than slight similarities to a Richard Pryor movie and, yes, the fact that as a man i am entitled to enjoy looking at boobs on occasion.

I then informed her that I had spent 10% of her gift on a subscription to Maxim Magazine.

I have a vague intention of submitting writings to them.

I have every intention of masturbating.

Friday, April 24, 2009

On How We Were Raised

I passed some guys as I was almost home tonight. The street was quiet and the it was about 12:45 a.m. This guy came out between cars holding a dangling something, looking rather tweaked. I was nervous as Hell when he waved at me.

Only as I past directly by him did I realize he was holding a pair of jumper cables.

After deciding I didn't want to feel like crap leaving this guy alone, I tucked away my iPod on the off-chance this was a set-up and looped around the one-way streets and pulled up. The guy and his friend thanked me profusely, and after both failing to get my hood up I finally found the trip lever and we were failing to successfully jump his car.

After pleasantly failing miserably, we roped it all in and went our separate ways. That is to say I drove off and they were left on the side of the road, across from what I later realized was a massive party. I felt bad not offering to abuse my AAA privileges and pretend like I was riding with them, especially after the main guy remarked to his friend that he had $4 to his name and couldn't afford a new battery, but I sincerely doubt the tow truck driver would have believed I, a tiny, Jewy creature, would have been riding in a cramped coup with 3 incredibly urban black guys.

Oh, did I not mention that? They were black. Suddenly this story takes on a different turn for you, doesn't it? So what's the moral after that?

I still checked for my laptop bag in the back seat as I drove off, just in case this was all an elaborate ploy. It was not, and I laughed to feel a little less racially paranoid. Fuck.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Things I Really Feel Like I Shouldn't Know

  • Why men have nipples
  • The archaic English translation of "schadenfreude"
  • How to perform an emergency tracheotomy
  • How to curse in Esperanto
  • The words to several Hannah Montana songs
  • How to give a dog (or person, I guess) an enema
  • How to hotwire a car
  • Quantum Physics

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I Am On Fire (In A Figurative, Not Literal Sense)

Things I Did Today:
  • Woke up at 1 p.m.
  • Showered
  • Ate a breakfast of banana, yogurt, pumpkin(?) bread and a brownie
  • Had class/wrote script
  • Had class/watched Bio-Dome. Joey Lauren Adams. Go figure.
  • Pet a wandering Rottweiler around 7 p.m.
  • Bought some wine
  • Made chicken cordon bleau + salad
  • Did reading, finished group project
  • Baked chocolate chip cookies from scratch
  • Rebuild light switch in beer pong room (did not get electrocuted)
Things I Did Not Do Today:
  • Masturbate
I know correlation does not prove causation, but the facts are indisputable.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

On Idleness

I had no work to do this weekend, but I did tons of bizarre stuff. Worked my butt off.

Then I read a cheesy 250-page novel in like 4 sittings over the course of 3 days.

Now I have some work to do, but I don't wanna work on it early, but I feel bored not constantly reading.

People have been making a habbit of steeling my food and beverages. It is troubling.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Because I'm Tired: Early Monday Post

Things that happened today*.

*"Today" shall refer to 12 a.m. to present.

- Got back from bar around 2 a.m. Sang songs
- 3:30 a.m. heard visiting chick fuck some dude who was not her boyfriend. Shit was hot. Mental note: spare room's not well sound proofed.
- Awoken around 5:15 a.m. Stuck up slut and not-boyfriend fucking again. Decide to reinflate their Aerobed with the loud motor, then continue fucking. She was a gasper, not as much a moaner.
- Awoken at 10:15. Slut and N.B.'s friend arrives via cab after beign the 6th guy that night to make out with and the 3rd ever to fuck some slut from his frat's sister sorority, after meeting her in and conference in NYC a few weeks ago. Much shouting. D-Phi is a shitty frat, D-Phi-E girls are total sluts.
- 10:45. Sluts and bros leave for breakfast. Peace at last.
- 11 a.m. Alarm goes off. Shower. Dress nicely.
- 12 p.m. Mother arrives for Phi Beta Kappa induction ceremony.
- 1 p.m. Inducted into Phi Beta Kappa. Snagged free cheese.
- 4ish. Go to 'dinner' at Applebees
- 6ish. Return from dinner, load mother's car to leave. Discover her tore is flat. Claim I've parked for a long weekend over same glass many times. No one has ever gotten a flat there. Change her tire to spare while being accosted by black children, first for my awesome Nerf gun, then for my disco ball, then for not living at home, then for clearly deserving a Vulcan neck pinch, then for not choosing the hotel they think i should have.
- Later: took mom to her hotel I found her the best deal on since no repair shop is open at 7:30 on Sundays, Walmart for toiletries; gave her location and time the car shop opens tomorrow.
9 p.m. came home finally to discover someone opened and took a can from the Red Bull pack I asked my mother to bring me and was very happy to receive.

Today was fucking WEIRD.

On Serendipidous Adaptation

It just occurred to me that evolution has some awkward twists and turns that occassionally result in a sociological benefit no one really considers.

Take drunken behavior.

In everyday life if woman walked up to you wearing leopard tights and one shoe and fell over you before vomiting in your crotch you'd call 911 and then ask to be reimbursed for your dry cleaning.

But no, when alcohol is involved this is called Friday, and the stumbling and slurred speech all derive from impediments to the cerebellum, turning us into large, happy children in need of help and this is instinctually what we give our inebriated comrades.

And then we draw on them with Sharpie.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Early Saturday Post: On Scope

Now I'm not saying that the crap I just took was epic.

All I am saying is that future generations will write lyrical verse about it.

That's all I'm saying.

On Living the Dream

Today I had to wake up early – 2 p.m. – to shower and get to a group meeting. There we discussed anime and metal boobs. I was, of course, not the leader of the group, but looked to as the inspiring, knowledgeable old man. Hooray.

After that I met up with a coworker and we went to a head shop where we snagged a semi-indestructible Pyrex bowl, dug-outs, screens, drug tests, a grinder, a sticker, and a smell-proof bag. We shall be raffling these off in some manner as a way to pay for keeping the L.A. Times crossword on the comics page at our newspaper.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I do for a job. Clearly, the Real World is gonna eat me. I hope it chokes on my bones.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


Dignity - n. An intangible personality aspect that prevents me from having cheap, meaningless (and therefore any) sex.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

On Comfort

I'm not sure what's more unsettling, the fact that my housemate leaves his sex lube out on the table in his room, or the fact that we know about it, comment on it, he does nothing and then we don't say anything after that.

Monday, April 13, 2009

On Timing Pt. 2

I had a sarcastic exchange with my housemate before our vacation.

She asked why I keep maple syup in the fridge. I said I like it cold.

She said the sugar crystallizes, that's why she keeps hers in the pantry.

Guess where all the ants immune to ant traps tried to start a new colony.

Now guess who still has maple syrup and who doesn't.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Of Things I Will One Day Need to Discuss with a Therapist

They say many men eventually end up looking for a woman like their mother.

Personally, I'm looking for a small, twisted, argumentative and emotionally distant egotist.

I'm looking for a girl like my father.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Joke of the Day

"My job prospects."

Yeah, that's really all you're getting today.

Friday, April 10, 2009

When You Know It's Time To Find A New Apartment

Just once I'd like to be able to walk through my own house at night without having to worry about burglars, ninja assassins or bloodthirsty zombie attacks.

(It's a pretty bad neighborhood.)

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Funny Story:

So funny story: I was working on one essay assignment all week and it turns out it was the one for Prof. Vaughan's "Humor in Television" class, not "Humor in Film" which I'm taking.

Yes, I have now taken so much Vaughan they all bleed together.

The new assignment? Compare any two comedy films with similar themes. Well, I watched A Goofy Movie the other night for no reason, so now I'm comparing something to that. I'm thinking SLC Punk on the grounds of growing into adulthood and issues with becoming one's father.

If you like it then you're as brilliant as I am. If you don't like it you can suck my left nut. (That's the one that feels the most pleasure.)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

On Expectations Met

For the first time in 200 years a U.S.-flagged cargo vessel has been captured by pirates.

As if to say, "You do not know who you are messing with," the crew remutinied and took back the ship.

Granted, the captain remains stranded with the pirates drifting in a lifeboat, but I think we may have the upper hand in that scenario. Why are we so fuckin badass? Is it just something that happens whenever the world starts to think we are not, in fact, badass? Is it some inverse square law for American Awesome? Some bizarre Washington's Law?

I say they try us again, with ninjas, because apparently Americans beat pirates.

On Irony

Sometimes I feel like I'm not depressed enough to be Emo, and then that makes me sad.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

On Permanence

This is a very somber post regarding the more bizarre iterations of humanity in the modern age.

A kid I went to high school with, who joked with me for two straight years of pre-calc and calculus, who spent more time playing "Block Man" on our graphing calculators than he did looking at the chalk board, died tonight after fighting brain cancer for the last 18 months. One of the happiest kids I've ever met.

And it wasn't real to me until I went into my buddy list and deleted his contact information.

*Images taken from Warren Ellis' "Doktor Sleepless," an awesome series.*
This is not the future we were promised.

Monday, April 6, 2009

On Mixed Signals

Right by my house there are two streets a block apart. one is Davis St. The Next one over is Lincoln.

I wonder on which one lives the guy with the Confederate Stars and Bars actually painted (opaque) over the rear window of his pick-up truck.

Thing I Found In An Old Tiny Notebook #1

"I have, in my heart, a soft spot for squirrels and cats. Both are small, cuddly animals whose opinions of me are based primarily how littler my existence interferes with theirs.

"My taste in women is somewhat similar."

Sunday, April 5, 2009

On Tim Burton

*Skip to the last paragraph if you're short on time*

Don't get me wrong, Time Burton seems like a nice enough guy. I'll applaud any pale skinny dude with scraggly hair who can bag a chick as crazyhot as Helena Bonham Carter. They're like an adorable pair of rejects from a Neil Gaiman story.

But here's the thing: short of Nightmare Before Christmas and Beetle Juice, I've never really enjoyed a Burton film.

I know, I know – blasphemy – but I mean it. I can't stand his visual style. Everything the man creates looks like the acid flashbacks of a Manson Family member. I can't get past it and really this is a valid criticism of a filmmaker. I understand it's just personal style, but I'm not going to discount my opinion either, because I don't feel Burton deserves half the credit he's given.

First off, I'll concede Edward Scissorhands and Big Fish, which I have only not seen because I can't look at a Burton film without getting a headache but am told they are bother very good movies if you ignore that they have very thinly veiled morals. I will also discount as a guy I know who loves both theater and Burton admitted that it was wonderful but less wonderful than the play, whereas I totally wanted to bang the strung out bitch from Sweaney ToddFight Club until I found out she's long-term committed to Burton's greasey head.

While very simple and silly when not downright stupid, open satire of former Cold War politics, Mars Attacks was pretty good (as long as you keep the above in mind).

Now I upset a different type of nerd: Burton's Batman films sucked ass. Yes, they ruined the public conception of Batman almost as much as the old Adam West series. Batman is class and a boot in your ass. He is not campy, he does not have bat-nipples and Gotham city is not made of 60% neon. I can fully blame Batman Forever, Batman & Robin and Catwoman on Tim Burton, due to the uneducated popularity of his magnum opus to eighties mentality fucking over everything good in America. Take a look at Batman Begins and The Dark Knight and you see what Batman used to be and what he finally is again. Since Burton filmed his movies after Frank Miller released "The Dark Knight Returns" and "Year One" there's just no excuse.

To anyone who doubts any of what I just said, I invalidate and/or counterbalance your claims with the following words: Sleepy Hollow, Planet of the Apes.

Honestly, he doesn't seem like a bad guy. Maybe he just got mocked in the hallway too muh in high school. Maybe Debbie Harris laughed in his face or knocked over his D&D sourcebook/sketch pad when he asked her to Junior prom. I really don't care. All I'm really saying is Burton makes all these movies that rip off other people's ideas, and not well. If you check his filmography, exactly half of Burton's films are original while the other half are adaptations and remakes, and I've never heard anyone who likes his remakes better than the originals.

All I'm saying is Burton needs to stop beating around the bush and just make the film he's really wanted to make since 1990: a 90-minute suckfest of him gobbling Johnny Depp's nob like his spunk holds the cure for cancer.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

On Poor Timing

So some crazy laid-off Vietnamese techie shot up the local Civic Center 4 blocks down from my house today. For some odd reason he chose to attack a room full of other immigrants who were i nthe process of taking their citizenship tests. I suppose it was some mad commentary on bringing more people into a struggling economy.

Unfortunately, my first reaction was, "Don't think they'll be wanting anyone setting up exams in government offices any time soon. Crap. Now I'll have to wait to schedule my DMV permit test."

Friday, April 3, 2009

Because Knowing Is Half the Battle

Apparently Dick Cheney commanded an extra-legal international assassination squad used to hunt down the world's most dangerous terrorists without informing or gaining consent of local or even U.S. military and legal agencies.

After the overwhelming terror I felt upon hearing this I started to feel pretty good. This is ctually something I'm well acquainted with. I'm used to the idea.

First, we've got the task force commander. He's probably regular army, maybe green beret judging from his headgear.

Then we've got the guy we all like a little better, the naval officer, the giant black roughneck into rap, the hot chick trained by Mossad, the Canadian arctic ranger, the crazy Australian from the British SAS, and maybe a ninja.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

On Anne Frank

Bitch shoulda kept her mouth shut.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

On Misdirection

I got KFC today. It bothers me that the cups are red but filled with Pepsi.

I keep expecting Coke and that's not fair.