Friday, March 5, 2010

On Real Life Conversations

I've decided that in order to not have to think up posts for the next couple days, you all have to read the ridiculous back-and-forths I have with real people in real life every day.

These are actual conversations I had with individuals on the horrible internet, verbatim:

On Dignity
Lisa: "I'm planning on going to Walmart."
Lisa: "Do you need anything?"
Me: "If you can pick me up a 6-pack of dignity that'd be super."
Me: "Other than that I'm pretty good."
Lisa: "Oh, shush."
Lisa: "Wait."
Lisa: "That's not a real product, right?"
Me: "LOL, no, no, dignity is not sold in bulk."
Me: "Though it should be."

On Paraplegic Porn
Jin: "Happy birthday, Bagel!"
Jin: "Now go fuck yourself!"
Me: "He'd need a very bendy dick to fuck himself."
Me: "The best videos of that I've seen involve this paraplegic guy…"
Me: "…and he isn't really a looker I'd guess."
Me: "I mean he's no one-legged Beatles ex-wife."
Me: "He's like some crippled English dude with too much free time and a semi-functional wing-wang."

On Gandhi
Me: "But Gandhi worked to not do shit."
Me: "It's called a siut-in. lol" [typo]
K: "Did you just call Ghandi a slut?"
Me: "I wish."
Me: "A slut-in would be so much hotter than a sit-in."
K: "Nah."
K: "Cuz he's Indian."
K: "We just spent 30 minutes talking about it."
Me: "Indira Gandhi sachet-ing around an MTV U stage in a bikini, touting the benefits
of self-collected sea salt and introducing Fall Out Boy…."

On Pop-Punk
Serpentine: "Dude, they're back together!
Me: "Wow, that's the best possible news for 17 year old skaters in California since Laguna Beach got renewed for a second season."

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