Man Who Runs Apt Complex Overcompensates for Small Penis

Found this little gem in a plastic wrapped around the door handle yesterday. Apparently, where we live also live a bunch of jerks and one really, really judgemental dude with a tiny penis.

"We have recently upgraded the speed bumps on the main road in order to slow down vehicles that travel down our main drive. It appears that many of you are avoiding the speed bumps by entering through the parking lot on the left side which is a one-way. Also, the parking lot on the south side of the property is not a roadway to get to the lower section of [the property] and should not be used as such."

"Please be advised that anyone caught entering through the one way will be asked to vacate [the property] or at the very least will not be offered a lease renewal."

Here's the part where our manager guy confesses that his genitals leave a tremendous amount to be desired. Please note, this is the second time we've gotten this notice, both times including the following sentence:

"I have driven over the speed bumps in a 2004 Corvette, which has one of the lowest clearances of any car, and had no problem."

Amazing. We get it. You have a small dick. Do you really need to inform 250 apartments of this? I mean, I suppose that statistically speaking there might be someone in that group who has that as their turn-on. Possibly. Maybe.

Honestly, I love the effort. You want to save children from getting flattened. This is admirable. And sure, you want to express that you have personal experience dissuading the chief arguments against your proposal's enforcement.

But you just want us to know you own a 2004 Corvette.

And that means you are very, very worried about the size of your dick.

On Capitalism

I thought this was only fair, as I covered Socialism on Friday.

Capitalistic Names For My Genitals:

• "Enron" - Because I lie about how big it's actually been growing.
  
  
• "Goldman Sachs" - Because it collapses at the worst possible time.
  
  
• "The Free Market" - Because no one should put any restrictions on where it can go or what it can do.
  
  
• "eBay.com" - Because I've certainly gotten a lot of use out of it myself, but someone else might want to play with it for a change.
  
  
• "The Bear Market" - Because my family is quite furry.
  
  
• "The Sock Exchange" - Because I'm packing?
  
  
• "The Nikkei" - Because my numbers seem much larger in Japanese.
  
  
• "E pluribus unum" - Because "out of many, one" certainly applies to sperm cells.
  
  
• "John Maynard Keynes" - Because of "trickle down" economics.
  

On Real Life Conversations

I've decided that in order to not have to think up posts for the next couple days, you all have to read the ridiculous back-and-forths I have with real people in real life every day.

These are actual conversations I had with individuals on the horrible internet, verbatim:

On Dignity
Lisa: "I'm planning on going to Walmart."
Lisa: "Do you need anything?"
Me: "If you can pick me up a 6-pack of dignity that'd be super."
Me: "Other than that I'm pretty good."
Lisa: "Oh, shush."
Lisa: "Wait."
Lisa: "That's not a real product, right?"
Me: "LOL, no, no, dignity is not sold in bulk."
Me: "Though it should be."


On Paraplegic Porn
Jin: "Happy birthday, Bagel!"
Jin: "Now go fuck yourself!"
Me: "He'd need a very bendy dick to fuck himself."
Me: "The best videos of that I've seen involve this paraplegic guy…"
Me: "…and he isn't really a looker I'd guess."
Me: "I mean he's no one-legged Beatles ex-wife."
Me: "He's like some crippled English dude with too much free time and a semi-functional wing-wang."

On Gandhi
Me: "But Gandhi worked to not do shit."
Me: "It's called a siut-in. lol" [typo]
K: "Did you just call Ghandi a slut?"
Me: "I wish."
Me: "A slut-in would be so much hotter than a sit-in."
K: "Nah."
K: "Cuz he's Indian."
K: "We just spent 30 minutes talking about it."
Me: "Indira Gandhi sachet-ing around an MTV U stage in a bikini, touting the benefits
of self-collected sea salt and introducing Fall Out Boy…."

On Pop-Punk
Serpentine: "Dude, they're back together! http://www.blink-182.com
Me: "Wow, that's the best possible news for 17 year old skaters in California since Laguna Beach got renewed for a second season."

Alternate Names for My Penis

Friends, if your designated hook-up source really demands to name your Johnson (and “Johnson” isn't actually acceptable) go ahead and try to guide her towards one of these awesome names:

• Doc Johnson [at least try]
• Doc Savage
• The Iron Shiek
• The Groan Ranger
• Tiny (only if everyone you know is very ironic)
• Conan the Barbarian
• Mighty Thor
• [or alternatively if you are Thor] Mjolnir, Hammer of the Gods
• Excalibur
• Bruce Willis [because he's just awesome]
• “American Idol” William Hung
• your Boomstick
• Vlad the Impaler
• The Beast [or simply Beast; X-Men reference for you/Disney “Beauty and…” reference for her]
• Dick/Richard [only if you name your testicles Tom and Harry]
• J. Edgar Pooner
• Twilight [say what you want, but until she starts covering your junk in body glitter this idea is totally worth it]
• Marty McFly
• Mega Man
• Invade-Her Zim
• Chewbacca HHHUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRHHHHLLLLL!!!
• Arnold Shvantz-enegger
• Cobra Commander
• Mmnnphuh! [because that's what it sounds like your saying when your mouth is full]
• Johnny Rico
• Rihanna (because if you were Chris Brown you'd be beating it all night long)
• THE PHANTASM^®
• Mr. Fantastic
  

Please note while not all of these names are intrinsically dirty, they are all in fact some way hilarious and awesome, so if you don't see that you're missing something and all of your friends are laughing at your ignorance.