On Living Vicariously

This is how my father introduces me to my step-mother's brother-in-law:

"He just graduated from college…"

"Oh, that's g--"

"AND while he was there he saw more pink than the Easter Bunny."

"…"


Now, I'm always one for a good turn of phrase, but let us be a bit clearer on some of the specifics here.

1) I never speak to my family of anything even approximating my love life. Barely even my social life in general.

2) I speak to my father even less, about anything.

3) I haven't even seen a live vagina in over a year.


Granted, I've spent the past 18 months as a mortuary assistant and that last one was a fluke, but the point stands. My father lies about me to his friends right in front of me. No, he's not disappointed, not at all.

On Growing Older

I can tell I'm getting older. Tonight I swapped the lava lamp in my room for a regular one.

I still squirreled it away in my closet, but to fir that I had to throw out my busted up life-size Chewbacca standee.

OH THE TRAGEDIES OF TIME'S ADVANCE.

On Writer's Block

I find that if you have an overabundance of creative energy it's best to just masturbate furiously several times a day until a consistency of desirable mediocrity is reached.

Otherwise you might just have to express yourself.

On G4 T.V.

So I was watching G4 T.V. and it's convinced me that I deserve my "15 megabytes of fame."

I'm a little angry I only get 15MB. My G-Mail gives me 7 gig. I'm gettin' fucking gypped on celebrity because my mom keeps sending me fourteen slide shows of kittens each week.

So yeah, I'm angry about that, but really I'm more angry that I'm such a nerd I watch G4 T.V. now.

I figure I can get laid if I break 16MB.

On The Lottery

I played NYS Lotto this week.

I'd had a particularly magical day, and as numbers popped into my head I said, "Fuck it," and layed down a dollar for some pink paper, much in the same way that real money gets converted into Pounds, Euros, and whatever the fuck kind of queer-eye money they have in Brazil.

So tonight rolled around and I checked the numbers and sure enough I hit 2 of them. Now as far as I know this means I won precisely squat, but I was thinking about the odds and I'm a little impressed: about a 1/3080 shot of hitting any 2 numbers. As far as I'm concerned, I quantified my awesome magical luck powers on level 6.5 or 7 as being equivalent to guessing 2 of 6 lotto numbers.

My prize? Two pink pieces of paper.

Guess I have to dial it up to 11 to make the big bucks.

200th Blog Post!

I think it's a little unfair a woman can bring rape charges against a man just because last night she was too drunk to have standards.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying women shouldn't be allowed to wake up and say, "Oh, hey, I got raped last night….Bummer." Men should just be given the same latitude. I think you'd find a sharp increase in the number of morbidly obese inmates in women's prisons.


Yes, my 200th entry was a big sexist fat joke. Thought about doing something special and poignant, extra intelligent and possibly greatly thought-provoking but I figured "Why ruin a good thing?"

Meatus

Meatus - (me-ay-tus) n. The soft tissue opening of the male urethra at the tip of the glans penis; pl. meati?

1. A wonderful word to make in Scrabble when all you have is U-S and someone thought it'd be clever to lay MEAT perpendicularly two spaces away from a triple-word score, thus preventing MEATY, MEATS or MEATIER from snagging the prize.

2. A wonderful word to lay down because someone will instantly challenge it and feel embarrassed when they look it up and read what it is.

3. A very poor word to lay down when playing with your grandma.