Awesome Idea #369

Puppy Armor.

No, not like the picture. Don't armor your puppy. That's just stupid. Unless you signed your dog up to star in a Japanese snuff film produced by Michael Vick, I seriously doubt your pup is going to need protective body armor any time soon.

No, I say give our human soldiers body armor made out of puppies. And kittens. Just lash 'em together and make a suit out of them. Not even the most heartless, godless, terrorist dickbag is going to hurt someone who's wearing a suit of live puppies and kittens.

Unless they were suicide bombing ferrets wrapped around children. Ferrets are dicks like that.

On Cars

I mentioned yesterday that my friend's car broke down. That's true. In fact I was tagging along during his Chinese delivery route at the time.

As it turns out, the car just overheated and burned through the radiator hose, so coolant leaked everywhere. The repairs were free and it's only costing my friend an oil change, but here's the thing: my friend doesn't even have Twitter, but because I mentioned it three different people called or texted him to make sure he and his car were fine. Which I had mentioned. Which leads me to believe I was correct in surmising 80% of the people on Twitter don't understand that Twitter was made to be unidirectional conversations.


Anyway, we realized something about car repairs: more than half the time the "check engine" light turns on it's because you need to check the light and not the engine.

Honestly, no one even considers it any more. It's the automobile that cried wolf.

They should just go ahead and replace the "check engine" light with a giant light-up dollar sign, that way when you see it you'll know, "Oh, okay, I'm going to have to spend a shit-ton of money now. Alright."

On Vending Machines

I want to know who it was who thought it would be a good idea to drop the carbonated beverage I just purchased three feet down a metal shoot immediately before I'm supposed to open it.