War on Christmas | Day 7: Dark Wizards Attack Muggle Homes

Pardon my Grinchery on this, the second night of Chanukah. Chalk it up to an overdose of latkes if you will.

Does any one else recall a Patronus being present at the birth of Christ?


Actually, what's up with religion in Harry Potter? There certainly seems to be Christmas-type celebrations, but everything seems pretty secular. I guess performing miracles and resurrecting seem less impressive when any dick kid or his parents can do it just because they love enough.

War on Christmas - Day 3: Curious George Chiam

I came across a copy of Happy Hanukkah, Curious George today. It's a board book, meaning it's pages are made of stiff cardboard to stand up to tiny child hands. It's about 14 pages long and involves the Poacher Slaver Man in the Yellow hat (though frightfully referred to not by name, but only as "a friend") taking George to a Hanukkah dinner.


George helps wrap some presents, eats sweets, plays driedel and "monkey see, monkey do" with the kids, knocks over some purple applesauce, then makes the children help clean it up. Later the Man lights the menorah, and George wraps some latkes up for a sick friend after doing all the dishes with his disgusting, feces-tossing monkey paws.

That's the entire book. The most religious element is that the menorah exists without explanation, and the mitzvah or good deed is supposedly important. No mention of Macabees, or miracles, or Judaism or religion of any kind. Just being a good person as a general idea.

And that's pretty fantastic.

Honestly, I'm probably going to miss Hanukkah this year because my non-practising aunt and shiksa mother decided to hold the get together at one in the afternoon. Last year, we ate pork chops and picked our presents (read: "checks") off of a Christmas tree. We are not what you would call "observant." Frankly, my grandma forcing me to say the candle prayer is about as religious as we get, since I'm the only bar-mitzvahed male in the house. My dad could do it, but no one wants to invite him.

Why not Christmas?

Fake-Hanukkah is so much better than the awkward, tongue-biting I remember from the Real Hanukkahs of my childhood. Mostly because of all the drinking now. It's great. So how come even with Santa Claus and mistletoe and reindeer, and all the gifts and cheer and good will that has nothing to do with Jesus, JESUS STILL GETS ALL THE HYPE.

I mean, I get it, he's the "messiah." The "Son of God" is an important business title. Fine. "Macabee" isn't as glorious as being a Mason these days. Whatever.

But come on, all the best things about Christmas have nothing to do with Christianity, they're Pagan and generally just about being a good dude to the other dudes in your life.

Be a dude.

"Be excellent to each other." - Abraham Lincoln

Double Dippng on Christmas

I never really saw a problem with double-dipping so long as you rotate whatever it is you're dipping between bites.

The same applies to religious celebrations. One of these days, I'm going to get so many extra vacation days, being multidenominational. "I can't come in today, it's Yom Kipur." "Nope, I'll be out all week for Lent." "Sorry, it's the Vernal Equinox. Gotta don my robe and antlers."

Is it fair that in the span of six weeks one year I got to celebrate my birthday, bar-mitzvah, Chanukah, and Christmas? Not at all. Was it one of the best things ever, giving me ample funding to survive without student loans well into my adulthood? Yes. Do you probably hate me now? A little bit, likely.

But hey, what do I know, I have no religion anyway. It's all wasted on me. To me, Christmas is about the spirit of love and giving and being kind to all manner of people, forgiving those past wrongs against us and saying, "Let us all be better from now on." Chanukah is the celebration of exactly that, except with blue and fire instead of green-and-red and a pine tree, celebrated one evening, likely the Saturday closest to an official start date.

Christmas is not about honoring the birth of a religious figure several months and about seven years off from the actual event, as set by doctrines established in the third century. It's about Santa Claus and snow and Coca Cola and love. And let's be honest, Chanukah isn't about a miracle of being rewarded with less than unrealistic deadlines because we overcame impossible odds with only blessing and sheer determination. It's about not feeling left out at Christmas.

So yes, hate me for celebrating both holidays and getting twice as many presents. However, if you value actual faith in your culture and religion, pity me, because I worship only the consumerism and commune only by giving of my own pocket. I am repulsed both by the baby Jesus and anything more ceremonial than a latke.

Plus, I only get presents from half the family at each holiday, so bug off, that's one holiday, total.