Star Wars Spin-Offs I Could Live With

One of the ideas being kicked around for the reinvigorated Star Wars film franchise from Disney has been the idea of spin-off movies featuring big-name characters, the original rumor naming Yoda as a left-field frontrunner, but when that had to be a prequel for obvious reasons (is "death" a spoiler if the movie came out in 1983 and a solid 20%¹ of the living human population has seen Return of the Jedi?) immediately other prequel ideas came out of the wood works.

Boba Fett was a chief contender, although I'll admit he had a way cooler backstory before Lucas got involved with it. Other possibilities would be young Luke/Leia/Han/Lando/etc. kind of films. Now, these would most likely come with all the same problems as making Boba Fett a small, whiny Kiwi kid, but they'd certainly have more recognition than a Knights of the Old Republic film or TV series employing original or lesser-known characters.

Only two of those have solid adventures and source material, though.

Yes, I am advocating for a Young Han Solo/Young Lando Calrissian film series.

Lando has a trilogy of short novels taking place just a few years prior to A New Hope, followed by a trilogy of Solo. Hand eve has two novels set even earlier. The time gap is enough to recast the rolls with decent-looking, competent actors and make it work within regular continuity. Through in a svelter, leaner Chewbacca and you're all set. Han Solo and the Paradise Snare. Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of the Sharu. Hell, the trilogies were written as trilogies, with full story arches and self-contained villains and friends. Best of all, they could coincide as a couple Han movies introduce Lando, then Lando's wrap up with the beginnings of the Sabacc tournament on Cloud City where Lando loses the Falcon to Han.

Come on, Disney, give me a paycheck, already. I just gave you 7-8 movies complete with post-credits scenes.

So the question is, who could possibly 'replace' Harrison Ford and Billy D. Williams?²

To the latter, I give the answer which, when it occurred to me precipitated this entire tirade:

Donald Glover.

Looks like BuzzFeed had the idea already, when Donny topped their list of 12 actors best suited for the role. Taking into consideration that he's the only one who is age appropriate and looks anything like Billy D., he's the only choice for me. Don Lando in 2015. (Hashtag #DonLando please.)

For Han, I'm going to go out on a limb and name an actor who's youthful-looking enough to play Han from the ages of about 18/19 up to the 29 of A New Hope as he continues to age through about 6 years of film making. He's got a jawline, the cockeyed smirk, the build, and–this is both a point for and against him–he's got a pre-existing relationship with the Disney Corporation. He's since done adult roles, and reportedly says "nigger" in his upcoming The Paperboy.

Coached well, Zac Efron would make a solid Han Solo.<sup>3



1</sup> Utterly made up statistic.
² If you say "Shia LaBeouf" I will murder you with a flying saucer.
³ Efron does not get a Photoshopped picture. I'm not that committed to this idea. 

White Woman Too White to Say 'N-Word'

Thank you again, BBC, for once again providing me with comedy stylings at the last precious minute.

Short version: Director asked her to use the word "nigger" in a movie set in Florida in the late '60s, a time and place where one would find many current and former convicts, many old people, and many racist people. Kidman immediately refused. Black costar was pleased by this.

However, what does this say about Kidman?

As an actor: Nicole Kidman lets her personal beliefs and feelings get in the way of providing an authentic performance. So does her actual performance, but now it's clear she's comfortable being naked on camera or playing "a blowsy hairdresser who has won the trust of the felon through sexually explicit correspondence," but not behaving dislikably as a character.

As a white person: She's not a moron. White people don't get to say that word without some serious shit going down.

Are they whitewashing the movie? No.

Thankfully, a different character still drops the N-bomb to make the movie historically accurate even if Kidman was afraid to:

Zac Efron.

Yes, Nicole Kidman is so desperate to be liked by the movie-going public that she will not use a certain word that would make her seem unlikeable or harshly antagonistic, even if it is a part of her character and her director explicitly asks this of her. However Zac Efron will probably use it a dozen times à la Shia LaBeouf's cursing in I, Robot.

"Look at me, I'm not a child actor anymore! I swear and look at asses and appear in movies not produced or sanctioned by the Disney Channel!"

Except Zac already made his jump to adult cinema. Yeah, it was Carlie St. Cloud and some other Nicholas-Sparks-esque 'chick-flic' garbage without any reality to speak of, but he's already playing characters over 20. He doesn't need to drink and smoke on camera to look older.

Which means Zac Efron said "nigger" on film because it was the right thing to do to make a better movie, and when his director said so, he did it because the whole story is more important than one snooty bitch of an actor's ego.