10 Buzzfeed Lists I Never Want to See Again

1. Anything longer than 10 bullet points

2. Anything 90% videos with grainy, ambiguous stills I don't feel like loading

3. Anything I "Wish I Had"

4. Anything about the '90s that was more a personal than objective experience

5. Lists that say the same thing four different ways, just to get to the right bullet count

6. Lists that repeat themselves

7. Any reasons my mom was "amazing." I know she was amazing. I don't need a list. Shut up.

8. Anything that will "Inspire" me or make me "thankful"

9. Anything you think I didn't know about Disney, history, celebrities, Pokémon, but specifically Disney celebrities

10. Lists that go on so long I lose interest and pray the next scroll shows me the comments 

On Phonetitcs

I cme across this insert for what I'm gathering is a DK children's educational product, however, I came across it upside-down, as pictured above. Phonetically, my brain attempted to read the letters as "dick." You know, like "PETA" or "FUBAR," not "Dee-Kay."

So "I'm a dick girl."

Yeah, I bet you are, sweetie. Wait a minute. No. No. You're like nine. That is not cool, DK. Only Disney can market to children sexually. I mean, maybe, one day, by like middle school, high school at the latest, sure, you're going to be a dick girl then. One step-daddy is all it takes. But "fun, hip, sophisticated and confident"? no, I don't think so. Everything but sophisticated, maybe. I've never known a high school whore to be described as sophisticated. This isn't Pretty Woman. You're not Julia Roberts–who I may also say, I dislike strongly as well–you do not get to be classy and a fabulous slut.

And come on, don't mistake a familiarity with dick for confidence. Underneath every teenage trollop is a little girl terrifically afraid of not being accepted or loved. And underneath her is an STI.

That's "Ess-Tee-Eye," not "sty." Although I'm sure she's an emotional mess, too.

Save the Muppets

Every year, thousands of Muppets are culled before Easter so Americans can eat their candied heads out of larger, scooped-out Muppet heads.

"Well, it's no Muppet I know. What does it matter to me?





Deal with it.




Now give 50¢ a day to Disney or Big Bird gets it next.

Disney's "Cars" Responsible for Untold Deaths (Possibly 0)

Goddam it, Cars, stop teaching our kids that it is safe to guzzle things like engine coolant, "mouth watering" motor oil, and antifreeze.¹

Those kind of drinks are only for responsible mommy and daddy cars over 50,000 miles.






¹ Incidentally, antifreeze used to be clear and used to be removed from cars seasonally before it was discovered to double as an agent to also raise the evaporation point of gasoline during warmer months. Originally it would be drained in Spring and left in mason jars in many garages. Understandably, this led to several deaths each Summer, as overheated mechanics and their acquaintances mistook these bottles for jars of
   To this end, scientists dyed antifreeze a terribly unappetizing neon-green color. They later petitioned Gatorade to change it's color to avoid a resurgence of confusion, to which Gatorade politely told the nerds to shove it. Antifreeze was then dyed an icy blue. Gatorade really, really hates scientists.

Star Wars Spin-Offs I Could Live With

One of the ideas being kicked around for the reinvigorated Star Wars film franchise from Disney has been the idea of spin-off movies featuring big-name characters, the original rumor naming Yoda as a left-field frontrunner, but when that had to be a prequel for obvious reasons (is "death" a spoiler if the movie came out in 1983 and a solid 20%¹ of the living human population has seen Return of the Jedi?) immediately other prequel ideas came out of the wood works.

Boba Fett was a chief contender, although I'll admit he had a way cooler backstory before Lucas got involved with it. Other possibilities would be young Luke/Leia/Han/Lando/etc. kind of films. Now, these would most likely come with all the same problems as making Boba Fett a small, whiny Kiwi kid, but they'd certainly have more recognition than a Knights of the Old Republic film or TV series employing original or lesser-known characters.

Only two of those have solid adventures and source material, though.

Yes, I am advocating for a Young Han Solo/Young Lando Calrissian film series.

Lando has a trilogy of short novels taking place just a few years prior to A New Hope, followed by a trilogy of Solo. Hand eve has two novels set even earlier. The time gap is enough to recast the rolls with decent-looking, competent actors and make it work within regular continuity. Through in a svelter, leaner Chewbacca and you're all set. Han Solo and the Paradise Snare. Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of the Sharu. Hell, the trilogies were written as trilogies, with full story arches and self-contained villains and friends. Best of all, they could coincide as a couple Han movies introduce Lando, then Lando's wrap up with the beginnings of the Sabacc tournament on Cloud City where Lando loses the Falcon to Han.

Come on, Disney, give me a paycheck, already. I just gave you 7-8 movies complete with post-credits scenes.

So the question is, who could possibly 'replace' Harrison Ford and Billy D. Williams?²

To the latter, I give the answer which, when it occurred to me precipitated this entire tirade:

Donald Glover.

Looks like BuzzFeed had the idea already, when Donny topped their list of 12 actors best suited for the role. Taking into consideration that he's the only one who is age appropriate and looks anything like Billy D., he's the only choice for me. Don Lando in 2015. (Hashtag #DonLando please.)

For Han, I'm going to go out on a limb and name an actor who's youthful-looking enough to play Han from the ages of about 18/19 up to the 29 of A New Hope as he continues to age through about 6 years of film making. He's got a jawline, the cockeyed smirk, the build, and–this is both a point for and against him–he's got a pre-existing relationship with the Disney Corporation. He's since done adult roles, and reportedly says "nigger" in his upcoming The Paperboy.

Coached well, Zac Efron would make a solid Han Solo.<sup>3



1</sup> Utterly made up statistic.
² If you say "Shia LaBeouf" I will murder you with a flying saucer.
³ Efron does not get a Photoshopped picture. I'm not that committed to this idea. 

Pocahontas' Meeko A Deadly Menace

A raccoon, behaving strangely, out in the daytime?

Pretty sure Pocahontas' little buddy frothing-crazy rabid. Poor little guy.

Miley Cyrus is Addicted to Sex…ually Exploiting Herself

Now that she's of legal age to bang Bret Michaels and smoke salvia and get her labia cosmetically altered to resemble chick rock guru Pink, Disney has apparently decided to stop sexualizing Miley Cyrus.

In its defense, a company that makes a small country's GDP by surreptitiously marketing around the notion of hypersexualized pre-teens can't very well be caught fetishizing legal consenting adults. That would be pornographic.

Still, Cyrus seems to be doing a fairly good go at keeping the tradition alive. She's been caught with magically appearing new tattoos, piercings, cropped and/or violently dyed hair, leather, spikes, side boob, under boob, excessive cleavage, smoking, drinking, flashing her underwear, and after years of tireless efforts by paparazzi the world over: flashing no underwear.

I've mentioned before how the best way to get on the cover of a women's magazine is to be a mostly-naked woman. Cyrus, it seems, is no exception:

So that's low-rise, lack-of-shirt, cleavage, underboob, do-me eyes,
and a large, very phallic Italian ram's horn necklace between her mammaries.
And white, because she's so pure.

I count eight headlines on that cover, three of which are not overtly sexual, one of which is legitimately platonic. ("FINALLY - Stop living paycheck to paycheck.")

"Super SEXY Spring," "Hot abs and butt," "Best sex ever!" Those are splashed around Miley Cyrus along with "Threesome confessions." I don't know what happened in that hot tub in Malibu with Selena Gomez and the Biebs, and frankly I don't even want to watch the leaked tapes.

And what's the headline around Cyrus née Montana?

"It's Miley, bitches … 'I never faked anything.'"

The insinuation is orgasms, but let's be real, Cyrus has an orgasm every night when she rolls around in a giant pile of money stroking her … hair … to a looped vinyl of "Missundaztood."

Obama Announces 'Most Trusted Advisor'

Sorry, AP.

Obama has announced his new Chief of Staff, taking over for Jack Lew who the president has nominated for Secretary of the Treasury, as Denis McDonough.

The president has worked with McDonough since he was a senator, calling him, "one of my closest and most trusted advisers."

…

Quickly, someone tell him he'll never be as strong as Ted Kennedy.

Disney Princess Leia Pt 1

Last week, the day after a part of my soul gave up hope with the news that Disney had purchased Star Wars and all of LucasFilm, I read the joke apparently everyone but me had bee thinking nonstop:

Leia is now a Disney Princess.

This actually beefs up their street cred quite considerably, in my estimate. Few princesses have such high personal body counts, and borderline incest usually gets edited out of the stories some time between Hand Christen Anderson and box office.

So, here's the second joke I came up with about this. (The first will be twice as difficult to draw, as I am unfamiliar with drawing chibi anatomy.)

Disney Buys LucasFilm, to Make More 'Star Wars'

4:16 p.m. October 30, 2012. Day after Hurricane Sandy knocks out my heat, water, power, internet, and phone service. This is the exact moment my heart broke and I lost the ability to empathize with children, or humanity on a whole.

Disney has purchased LucasFilm LTD. for a total of $4.05 billion. Part of the deal includes detailed plot treatments for another Lucas-designed Star Wars trilogy (and Indiana Jones, but let's not bury the lead here).

Granted, George has done none of the good for SW in 20 years, but still, tis is a terrifying thought. What horrible, canonical sequels and spinoffs could they wreak?

"But Dave!" you say, and loudly for some reason, "Doesn't Disney own Marvel, and aren't the Avengers movies kick ass?" Well, yes, however those movies were started before Disney bought Marvel, and they're productions of Marvel Studios a semi-autonomous division, and currently under the reign of the almighty Joss Whedon, blessed be his name. They get multiple byes that Star Wars may not.

Honestly, I try to placate myself. Most of the best Star Wars stuff has always been someone else's. Irvin Kirshner's death this year hit me pretty hard. I don't go in for a lot of the Old Republic EU, just the newest stuff with the primary characters and their families. This won't really affect me so much, even if they do create terrible sequesls starting as early as 2015.

But then I ask myself, what could really be worse than George Lucas making more Star Wars episodes? And I'm horrified to say the first thing–the only thing, really–that instantaneously comes to mind, is "Disney making more Star Wars."


May the Force be with us. We're gonna need it.

http://youtu.be/wzDIClx-_pY?t=53s

On Slipping Standards of Subterfuge

Time was, Disney movies were filled with subtle innuendos, blink-and-you-miss-it sexual secrets, even obvious nods to the aforementioned that simply went over children's heads.

Well, today I found this:



That is a sultry pose for a salmon. Typically, Disney's pretty reserved about depicting its least-shirted princess. This is just overtly sexual.

Do you see that blush? The coy glancing back whilst turning away? That kind of look brings in the Bitcoins on MyFreeCamSite.com. I've seen that look before, and it's only ever been in movies, pornography, or pornographic movies.

And etchings.

Right now, Ariel is being drawn naked and her look says, "I'm so glad I rescued you from those icy, frigid waters, Jack Dawson! I'm embarrassed, but as soon as you finish that sketch I'm going to fuck your brains out."

Verbatim.

Fish whore.

Their Name Is Jonas

They have an "autographed" picture of Nick Jonas hanging in the back room at work. I wanted to mock it one day. This is what my brain immediately came up with, and I instantly regretted not living in the one universe among the infinite where Disney takes risks and pays for music rights and is just generally more awesome than it is here.


*Note: Video is blocked in Germany due to international copyright restrictions. To my Deutch readers, sorry, and I hope you can proxy.

Bambi's Dad is Kind of a Racist

I came across a picture book version of Bambi the other day, about 60 pages in all. The first thing I said upon recognizing it was:

… I wonder what page his mom gets shot on."

Those around me thought this something horrific and hilarious, though I legitimately wonder with those books; they tend to down-play the more mature themes in Disney movies, especially the old ones with hints of subtle, off-color plot.

For the record, the answer was page 39.

The weird thing is, this particular version of the story has Bambi happy for a long while, then his mom gets shot in two pages, then he's sad for two pages. Then there's four pages where his dad teaches him how to be a good buck.

Um, no.

Bambi's dad went through all that trouble to save him from a forest fire, because he's King of the flippin' Forest, and Bambi's the Prince. Then after all that, when his baby-mama gets knocked off, man can't be bothered to raise his own kid suddenly.

"Nah, fug that little bitch. He almost two now; gawn be growin' in his antlers by Springtime, y'here? Kid's gawn be fine."

Where's the logic in that? Your kid's hanging out with the wrong crowd, Mr. King of the Forest. He's getting fed by a goddam rabbit. He's practically dating a skunk. A skunk, for Chrissake. You don't want her kind sniffin' around your neighborhood. Keep her people down by the yellow petunia patches where they belong, and hope to the wood nymphs your boy starts looking at that slutty one year-old doe.

The last thing the forest needs are any more jokes about gay deer after that whole Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen debacle.

The Princess and the Frog | Disney "Had a Dream"

This image is a pretty solid metaphor for Disney finally exploiting
every race there is. It had to be done, though. Now everyone's separate,
but at least we're all equal, right?

This isn't exactly timely, but a friendly discussion the other night brought us a new perspective on life:

The Princess and the Frog finally gave young black girls a Disney Princess Halloween costume to wear that wouldn't be preceded by the qualifier "Black."

Black Ariel, Black Sleeping Beauty, Black Belles. We've all seen them. "What are you dressed as?"

"Oh, I'm Sleeping Beauty." No, you're not. You're Black Sleeping Beauty.

And don't try any of that baloney where you're like half black and try to swing a Jasmine or a Pocahontas. Somehow, I feel like that's just usurping a whole other race's hard one exploitation. You've got your own exploited princess now, and she's sassy to boot.


Of course, this was admittedly the same friend who narrowly failed to convince his half-black girlfriend to dress as the Sally Hemings to his Thomas Jefferson. We're still pretty mad at her for backing out on that.

Patty Mayonnaise: Race Warrior?

Girl, you knocked me to the ground. Bitches always be trippin'.

I've discovered one wonderful thing about becoming a responsible adult:

If you stay up late enough at night, there are plenty of old cartoons on television.

Admittedly, it's also kind of a curse, insofar as Transformers Generation 1 is pretty weak, as is G.I. Joe, Doug, Rugrats, Hey, Arnold! and every other show I can catch at 1 a.m. Up-shot: these shows were really straightforward about being preachy or, more often, a little racist.

Except when it came to race, surprisingly. I guess you could be a little culturally racist back then, just not racially racist. Point in fact: I just watched a few episodes of Archer. They openly say, "You're black…ish?" Granted, that's for adults, but adults who are my age and therefore remember characters like Suzie from Rugrats. Suzie was black. No one ever said anything, because it didn't matter to her character, but she definitely spoke and acted with a particularly … urban '90s flare.

Or, let's continue being forthcoming, Patty Mayonnaise was almost certainly at least a quarter black.

Listen, Doug was Caucasian. His dad was a little Jewish or Mediterranean, and his mom was so pink it's patently obvious she was Irish. Skeeter was clearly supposed to be African-American as far as style was concerned, but is dad was an angry, stout, German type. Beebe Bluff was a WASP, but purple, Roger was classic, middle-America green-trash hick, and the Dinks were also rather violet, and rich, so let's accept that they're similarly in vein with Beebe's heritage.

But Patty was orange. So was her dad. She definitely wasn't Hispanic, but she was by far the darkest character on Doug next to Skeeter, even though she and her father both had blond hair. Taking Skeeter into account, and her resemblance to her father, the most reasonable explanation is that Patty was the offspring of her half-black father and her either also half-black or otherwise light skinned, now-deceased mother.

Is this a big deal? Not in the slightest! But it's weird, in retrospect, to realize it was never addressed. The protagonist's love interest was a minority in their school, who at times faced discrimination, but only ever for being a girl, or talented, or too popular for her own sanity. Never because of her heritage or her paraplegic father. Did all the other Bluffington kids work through those foibles prior to the fourth grade?

Honestly, I'm pretty glad that race was never made an issue in Doug. It was entirely superfluous to the characters, which says a lot about race relations among the children in Bluffington. Maybe that's not how they did things in Bloatsberg.

Still, they made a big deal out of everything else, even the Beat(le)s. Just surprising they never tapped that well.

You know, like Doug obviously did after prom.

Selena Gomez: Some Kind of Mexican?

Anyone else noticing Selena Gomez is looking
more and more like Jenni "J-Woww" Farley?
Who's looking forward to the fake boobs?

Apparently local primary schools are requiring students to report on biographies, men for the boys and women for the girls. I was informed today that this particular school district also comprises a significant Mexican/Latino population.

It seems this cultural leaning has resulted in Selena Gomez being a popular choice among the girls, "because Selena's half Mexican or something."

"No she's not," I responded.

"Well, her dad was. Is? She's Mexican."

"No. She's rich."

"Ha. No, but really–"

"Nope. Rich. Whatever she was, she's white now."

And I felt I was pushing my luck with that comment, despite the chuckle it elicited, but unless she and Justin Bieber are part of the Jonas Brothers' abstinence cadre, she's also technically a statutory rapist in the state of California.

Then again, if I was 18, dating a 17 year old, and we collectively had about a billion dollars, I'd just fly us to a state more amiable to teen-on-teen dry humping.

The Lion King 3D | The first 3D movie worth my $14.50

Last night I went to see The Lion King 3D at my local cinema. I nearly went two nights earlier, but I failed to convince six other men, all very inebriated or already hung over, to take up the task. Because "Boardwalk Empire" was on.

All those guys would totally have seen The Lion King, though.

So screw it, I went and saw it alone. It was 9 p.m., and the theater had exactly one kid, his mom, and about ten or twelve other people, all couples or in groups, and all between the ages of 17 and 35. Meaning everyone in there saw the original movie as a kid and came back to pay three times as much with open arms.

It was totally worth it. My god, it's a completely different movie than you saw in 1994, but even more amazing. For once, 3D actually works because with hand animation, the backgrounds, foregrounds, and all moving elements are already drawn separate from each other. There's a lot less awkward conversion when you can just go back to the original frames if you really need to. And of course those backgrounds are also some of the most lush matte paintings commissioned in the Disney Corporations 82 year history.

It was also the first movie to feature music by Elton John and Tim Rice, who dominated animated musicals for the next ten years, and the film to introduce to us the musically dynamite duo of Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane.

Oh, and the score? The parts not written by the once-domestically partnered duo were written by Hans Zimmer. You might have heard his work in Gladiator, Pearl Harbor, The Ring, Batman Begins & The Dark Knight, Inception, Angels and Demons, and every Pirates of the Caribbean movie, plus about 131 other movies and "Call of Duty." It's the type of powerful, full orchestral backings that, frankly, if they don't leave you teared up by the last timpani crescendo, you're a heartless monster.

But again, it's a different movie. Whereas when I was 8 I found Scar's opus "Be Prepared" to be annoyingly Latin-infused and kind of dark, I can now recognize precisely crafted syllabic structure and choice vocabulary usage. Oh, and I spotted some hyenas goosestepping in what I'm sure I've seen before in Nazi propaganda films. Yes, I knew about that before, but this time I didn't just feel the sense of dread, I knew what it meant.

I also experienced Nala eye-fucking Simba while they lay splayed in the missionary position in a tropical paradise. (I did not see the S-E-X flower petals before that. Pretty sure it was never there, but Disney definitely took the time to wipe that scene all sparkly just in case.) I got to see what kind of monster Scar really was, not as a child, but as an adult who, looking at him as another grown man, thinks, "What an asshole! I should do something. I could take that guy." He's a scrawny lion. Mufasa's huge, but as far as lion's go, Scar's a loser. He even admits as much. Being a kid, I never noticed before; I'd always just assumed he was huge, and Mufasa was just huger. I was a kid. All adults are enormous.

I never noticed that Scar lived down at the base of Pryde Rock and not up top with the other tough cats. While I saw Mufasa as a stern and loving father, I'd never seen the abject terror in his eyes at the thought of losing Simba to murderous hyenas, at the completely openness of Scar's blood betrayal.

I'd even forgotten that Simba's mom Sarabi was so obviously in voice and stature a regal African woman and Nala, as a cub, a rambunctious little black girl. (Although her mom was definitely as white as Nala grew up to be.)

Themes of murder, absolute power lust, personal freedom versus responsibility and duty, birthright, international politics. I had completely forgotten how much of a Yoda Rafiki was, in that little, strange hermit/wise man posing as a lunatic lifestyle. The parallels to chasing down the rabbit hole, to descending into the underworld to come out the other side, cleansing by both fire and flooding, even the witty banter and pop-culture references have aged well.

And fine, I teared up a half-dozen times through the whole thing. I'm not even embarrassed. Like two of those were in the opening sequence alone. Whatever. Give me another animated feature for kids with gorgeous backgrounds, an Oscar-winning soundtrack, and up-front usage of words like "dead," "kill," and "murderer," and we'll talk.

I made this in I think 11th or 12th grade math class, on a school computer
with MS Paint. That was the day I realized I was scary good with Photoshop.

The Tween Machine

That's really inappropriate. Selina is way too
young for Ellen DeGeneres.

So Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are like the Brangelina of the tween world.

It's apt, I guess. He's the unquestioned male god of "Tiger Beat" or whatever the hell blogs 12 year old girls frequent this decade. She's Disney's #2 leading lady, right behind Miley Cyrus who is already a little too old and a little too badass to put up with Bieber. (Okay, so I guess she'd be a better Angelina Jole to Justin's Brad Pitt, but I'm really not willing to put too much credence into this analogy. Or any of these people, for that matter.)

So, can we, like, eventually expect these two to produce the tween pop idol messiah? Bieber turns 17 in March and Gomez already is. Kevin Jonas was married by 22, and since these kids all rep a pro-abstinence, marriage-only-in-the-missionary-position-for-the-sake-of-procreation multinational conglomerate, I think it's safe to assume they stand a fairly decent shot of getting married young if they stay together for a few years.

Of course, they might have to conceive via in vitro, since they'd have to both remain contractually virginal forever, and they'd need a sperm donor since Bieber's testicles haven't dropped. (I'm willing to stipulate that he is not actually a 20 year old lesbian, since Disney would likely never risk their image on that. More likely he's a Mickey Mouse Club eunuch. ) Then they'd need to grow it in a jar or something to make sure it had plenty of panty-shots and dick-slips to feed the frenzied media machine for D-channel toddler sites.

But really, that kid could probably walk on water. Or a suitably endorsed healthful yogurt beverage, I suppose, given adequate swagger coaching.


Update!

A little girl of about 8 came into the bookstore today looking for a copy of Tiger Beat. We did have it and "Biebgrove" was on the cover.

Spectacular.

PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!…itty-bitty living space

This is one of those times where I lament all the major news going on in the world for taking up the entire news cycle and preventing the world from hearing some of the truly weird stuff going on.

Don't get me wrong, I love hearing the government admit we've been using stealth drones and heavily modified, tactical stealth helicopters for years longer than we've admitted they exist, or that SEAL Team 6 has a German shepherd with tougher body armor than most state troopers.

Still, the rest of the world is kind of kerploding.

It was one thing to neglect mentioning that Egyptian former president Mubarak basically had a heart attack over getting called in by his country's supreme court for "questioning." There was the whole 'sudden conflagration of violence in Syria' thing, and it looked like that fight was going to be a lot messier, what with the insane dictator order cruise missile strikes against peaceful protestors.

Easy mistake.

And of course we only stopped mentioning that when a half-dozen other nations started imploding, but we maybe, maybe would have kept at it until oh gee, we found and killed Osama bin Laden after ten years. Alright, that's a pretty big deal. I mean, that's one for the books. Obama can pretty much write his own ticket after that one. I'm not sure what one does after being the leader of the free world–generally die–but he's a young guy, he can go places. I know Taft served as a supreme court justice afterward. Still, I think "one of the youngest presidents ever" and "first black president" would be enough for some people. Now adding "caught the most reviled American enemy since Hitler" and "personally ordered and watched the death live," it's almost like over achieving. What, you want to be the first president on Mars, too?

*Side note: I just read yesterday that Obama actually cracked a joke after a 6' tall SEAL

laid out next to the body of bin Laden to verify the body by height, quipping,

"We donated a $60 million helicopter to this operation. Could we not afford to buy a tape measure?"

Classic 'Bam.

Well here's the story-of-the-week you'll never hear on the nightly broadcasts:

Psychopath Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad has apparently gone so insane, that he has had increasing tensions with Shi'a Islamic cleric and official Supreme Leader of Iran, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Yes, he's picking fights with his boss, who we used to support until his predecessors turned out to be even more violent and bad-for-business than the guy before them.


So now the Ayatollah's religious police have begun arresting Ahmadinejad's highest ranking supporters on charges of sorcery.


Let that sink in. Socery. They are formally being charged with summoning djinn to support Mahmud's crazed and counter-productive personal goals. One was described as "a man with special skills in metaphysics and connections with the unknown worlds."

Alright, that sounds pretty badass.

But sadly, there aren't any genies here, as far as can be told. It really just looks like the Ayatollah's getting worried that Ahmadinejad's Chief of Staff, this guy named Mashaei, is getting a lot more influence and might be groomed to be a successor. They're saying he's an evil sorceror and is possibly responsible for a documentary which claims the return of the Shi'a messiah figure is imminent, something the Ayatollah's group says cannot be predicted.

So, obviously, he's a witch.

The scariest thing is that as far as the rest of Western Society is concerned, it might actually be best if these guys get tossed from power by their own government, because for once the last craziest guys might be easier to work with than the new craziest guys. At least they don't deny that the holocaust ever happened. (They still hate Jews/Zionists, but hey, at least they admit it happened.)

"I tell ya, I don't get no respect."

On Teen Celebrity

I heard recently that at any given moment Justin Bieber takes up 3% of Twitter. And you know what? I don't even care anymore.

I'm making a new rule: I refuse to feel threatened, titillated, or otherwise acknowledge in any way a cultural significance conveyed by any person whose voice hasn't dropped yet.

Selena Gomez talking about the environment? Nope. No credibility. Miley Cyrus? Sorry. 'Nother few months before you matter, kid. Bieber? let's see if you still sing as pretty when your balls grow out and you no longer sound like a Roman castrate.

Granted, Bieber could totally turn out like that Zach Efron kid and get a six-pack, a movie with Mathew Perry and Vanessa Hudgens. Though, somehow I see Bieber more as the Mormon schoolgirl type. Not to date, I mean I just see him as a Mormon schoolgirl.