More Truthful Hurricane Sandy Emergency Supplies

• Condoms. You're gonna be doing a lot of of nothing when the power goes out. This might be wishful thinking on your part, actually.

• One of those cigarette-lighter/three-prong AC adapters for your car

• A power strip. Listen, you're power's going to go out. You're going to head to a local store where they still have power. You're going to be an asshole and park it by a power outlet all day to charge your laptop and pretend like everyone else can't see you looking at softcore porn. The least you could do is bring a surge protector to help out some other assholes.

•  A book. Most of us are going to feel some REM withdrawal as our electronic devices are sequestered to conserve energy and then slowly die off anyway. With the exclusion of those of us working in publishing, a "book" seems like a terrible replacement, but dude, seriously, you're going to run through every magazine, email, and cereal box fairly quickly. Take this opportunity to catch up on Game of Thrones or something. Worst case scenario, you get sleepy and take a nap after a few pages, killing time until the end of the world finishes up.

• Lots and lots of beer. Seriously, lots. Enough to drown the hurricane. That much. This is … this is gonna be a long one, guys. Beer will help.

On Crappy Slogans

"Uh-OH! SpaghettiO's!"

Who the hell thought that would be a good marketing strategy?

"Yeah, guy's, I've got it! Let's equate our product with messes, spills, and children throwing their food all over the kitchen floor! Mothers will be cleaning it off the floor and ceiling for weeks with this catchy tune in their heads!"

How about we apply this line of reasoning to other products?

• "McDonald's: Ba-da da da da … It's slowly killing me."
  
  
• "Windows 7: I click a lot of shady links, and I'm a PC."
  
  
• "American women have a 1-in-3 chance of being sexually assaulted. Shouldn't you feel safe? Always carry Trojan Condoms."

On Inappropriate Reactions

Before they realized antifreeze also raises the boiling point of car fluids, mechanics used to drain it and store the clear liquid in mason jars during the summer. This led to many accidental deaths of thirsty people. Antifreeze makers began artificially dying their product lime-green because no one would ever drink that. When Gatorade's producers refused to change their product the antifreeze people switched to the most unappetizing electric blue color. Well played, Gators.

So I've been seeing this new commercial around dinner time a lot.

A rather frazzled, high-energy couple accost a pharmacy clerk, demanding to know, "WHAT IS THIS YOU SOLD US!?" They slam down a box of new Trojan condoms.

I have no idea what the name actually is. As a man I understand that Trojans are a reliable brand. The white box is for cheapskates, the blue box is your go-to and the purple is trying to impress her. All I really know about condoms is how to use them, when to use them, and that you order them by color like a sports drink.

However much like the introduction of original lime and later blue Gatorades ruined antifreeze safety protocols not once but twice, Trojan has thrown off my typical hue-based consumption by injecting a new color into the inactive vagina that is my social life.

I may not know what this Yellow flavor is, but apparently neither do the actors.

The weird thing is when the couple says, "It feels like nothing's there!" they say it with a smile. They are happy that they can't feel the condom they're using.

Which is fine for the advertising team. I get it. Whatever they named Yellow officially, the premise is thinner and less obtrusive. Fine.

However.

I feel like if a couple is interrupting their sex, running back to the pharmacy to desperately find what is going on with their disease-/tiny dependent-prevention and why it feels like they're not using any, it's probably not out of joy. They're probably terrified, angry individuals, imagining the hell they could live through the rest of their lives and realizing this is not the person they can go the long haul with. They are pissed.

And even if they're just happy and coming back for more? Really?

The 24-hour pharmacy is not closing any time soon. And somehow I seriously doubt you two can finish off a standard Trojan 12-pack before morning. Go finish your fuck and leave the poor CVS girl alone, already.