Thursday, January 28, 2010

On Inappropriate Reactions

Before they realized antifreeze also raises the boiling point of car fluids, mechanics used to drain it and store the clear liquid in mason jars during the summer. This led to many accidental deaths of thirsty people. Antifreeze makers began artificially dying their product lime-green because no one would ever drink that. When Gatorade's producers refused to change their product the antifreeze people switched to the most unappetizing electric blue color. Well played, Gators.

So I've been seeing this new commercial around dinner time a lot.

A rather frazzled, high-energy couple accost a pharmacy clerk, demanding to know, "WHAT IS THIS YOU SOLD US!?" They slam down a box of new Trojan condoms.

I have no idea what the name actually is. As a man I understand that Trojans are a reliable brand. The white box is for cheapskates, the blue box is your go-to and the purple is trying to impress her. All I really know about condoms is how to use them, when to use them, and that you order them by color like a sports drink.

However much like the introduction of original lime and later blue Gatorades ruined antifreeze safety protocols not once but twice, Trojan has thrown off my typical hue-based consumption by injecting a new color into the inactive vagina that is my social life.

I may not know what this Yellow flavor is, but apparently neither do the actors.

The weird thing is when the couple says, "It feels like nothing's there!" they say it with a smile. They are happy that they can't feel the condom they're using.

Which is fine for the advertising team. I get it. Whatever they named Yellow officially, the premise is thinner and less obtrusive. Fine.


I feel like if a couple is interrupting their sex, running back to the pharmacy to desperately find what is going on with their disease-/tiny dependent-prevention and why it feels like they're not using any, it's probably not out of joy. They're probably terrified, angry individuals, imagining the hell they could live through the rest of their lives and realizing this is not the person they can go the long haul with. They are pissed.

And even if they're just happy and coming back for more? Really?

The 24-hour pharmacy is not closing any time soon. And somehow I seriously doubt you two can finish off a standard Trojan 12-pack before morning. Go finish your fuck and leave the poor CVS girl alone, already.

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