A Horrifying Discovery

At work yesterday I saw on the floor by the entrance what I thought was a black doo-rag. Thinking it something someone might come back for, yet possibly was endowed with gross head sweat, I picked it up by as little of my finger tips as possible and went to place them in the Lost and Found. I recoiled in horror, dropped them to the ground, and probably shrieked a little less than a manly bellow. Immediately I sanitized my fingers, and the rest of my hand to the rist.

They were underpants.

Dirty underpants.

Dirty, feminine, underpants. Inside-out, upside-down, probably size-M basic black women's panties, casually laid out on the floor. And I accidentally touched them.

The most vile part of this experience is the realization that this only points to something even more disgusting happening elsewhere yesterday, very likely right in my store. Best Case Scenario: some teenagers thought it would be funny to leave one of their sisters' dirty drawers in the entranceway to a public location and then laugh about how "punk" they were. That's Best Case.

Worst case?

Something tawdry happened in my very store, possibly in the bathroom, more likely in the corner of reference and computer books next to the kids' department, away from prying eyes. Just a quick finger or two, something to rev the engine without blowing the gasket, so to speak. Something that necessitated the removal of said undergarments and their wadding up into the corner of a pocket, not so well constructed as to hold its contents all the way out of the store.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it was pretty hot for them, but I'm in no mood to have to get a herpes test any time soon, and I would appreciate it if anyone and everyone could refrain from boning royally in the confines of my place of business.

I don't think James Deen has starred in a Sexy Bookstore porno yet, but if not, any day now.

Doctor Whoore: An XXX Parody

What that man could do with a sonic screwdriver….

I am told, by a cursory internet search, that such a movie is being produced, though there has been very little mention of it and certainly no post-production materials released, or any news at all for the past year and a half. So I feel it is within my rights to release this plot treatment I dreamt up just before bed for a Who-themed porno, which seem to be the way to make a quick buck off media attention these days.


Firstly, each 15-20 minute scene gets its own "Episode" Title, and prominently features a different companion.


"Playing Doctor"

"Tulip" and the Doctor boink their way out of a voyeuristic future reality show. Getting separated, Tulip is captured by a mysterious, possibly mad woman in leather with elbow gloves and a BDSM bent, who is prone to drumming her fingers rhythmically. The Doctor finds himself on a medical series, where he encounters Marsha Bones. There is a Star Trek "Dammit, Jim," joke somewhere in there.

"Wrath of the Cyber Men"

Marsha begins online flirtations with someone named "Mrs. Saxon" to acquire information on the whereabouts of Tulip for the Doctor. She has a solo scene until her computer and vibrator are taken over remotely and turned into horny androids. While this is happened, the Doctor investigates a lead on an alien planet where he meets loud-mouthed Rhonda Nobbler…


"Ood Company"

Rhonda and the Doctor save an alien species rebelling against its sadistic human masters. They discover the hive race to be overly-trusting, as they all carry their hearts with them. They are led by a giant, intelligent, pulsating phallus that obviously has gross but tender and psychically important tentacle sex with Rhonda. While this is happening, the Doctor is captured by oddly familiar little robots with glowing dildos on their domes…

"Cum Together"

All the companions must work together to rescue the Doctor from Dalek Seks. The Master steps out to reveal herself as the Mysterious Woman and the orchestrator of all the plots against the Doctor and his many buxom companions. While the Master Escapes, the Doctor saves Tulip from certain death, though he takes a certainly mortal caning to the tush in the process. Forced to regenerate (and this is where we blow everything left in the SFX budget during post), the Doctor finds he is now … a woman. And a ginger, finally.

"The Two Doctors"

The newly-regenerated Doctor, finding a newly-fitted three-piece suit, travels back in time to catch the runaway Master, with the help of all her wonderful companions and–at the heart of a paradox–her previous incarnation. After defeating the Master and sending all companions back to there happy endings, the two doctors bump Galifreyan uglies until the paradox wears off and the younger Doctor returns to his original time stream with no memory of his future events.


The male Doctor will be portrayed by James Deen with flippy hair. Running time, approx. 100 minutes. Profitability: excessive.