A Horrifying Discovery

At work yesterday I saw on the floor by the entrance what I thought was a black doo-rag. Thinking it something someone might come back for, yet possibly was endowed with gross head sweat, I picked it up by as little of my finger tips as possible and went to place them in the Lost and Found. I recoiled in horror, dropped them to the ground, and probably shrieked a little less than a manly bellow. Immediately I sanitized my fingers, and the rest of my hand to the rist.

They were underpants.

Dirty underpants.

Dirty, feminine, underpants. Inside-out, upside-down, probably size-M basic black women's panties, casually laid out on the floor. And I accidentally touched them.

The most vile part of this experience is the realization that this only points to something even more disgusting happening elsewhere yesterday, very likely right in my store. Best Case Scenario: some teenagers thought it would be funny to leave one of their sisters' dirty drawers in the entranceway to a public location and then laugh about how "punk" they were. That's Best Case.

Worst case?

Something tawdry happened in my very store, possibly in the bathroom, more likely in the corner of reference and computer books next to the kids' department, away from prying eyes. Just a quick finger or two, something to rev the engine without blowing the gasket, so to speak. Something that necessitated the removal of said undergarments and their wadding up into the corner of a pocket, not so well constructed as to hold its contents all the way out of the store.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it was pretty hot for them, but I'm in no mood to have to get a herpes test any time soon, and I would appreciate it if anyone and everyone could refrain from boning royally in the confines of my place of business.

I don't think James Deen has starred in a Sexy Bookstore porno yet, but if not, any day now.

Pussy Riot | Don't Make Me Call Ken Jennings

Melissa McCarthy, Rosario Dawson, and Felica Day.
Get on it, Hollywood.

Roommate: "Until a few years ago, I didn't know Daylight Savings Time was a thing … that we did in America and not elsewhere."

Roommate's Friend: "Yeah. We don't even have it in Russia. They got rid of it. My Nana was telling me."

Me: "Mmn. Which is weird because Russian spans like six time zones. So it's 2 in Siberia and 8 p.m. in Moscow, but it's still 2 p.m."

Room: … [beat of silence]

Roommate's other friend: "…Yeah, but how many people actually live in Siberia?"

Me: "Uh, a few, actually. There's a lot of people still in gulags over there."

Room: …

Me: "Like Pussy Riot."

Roommate: "That's a … band?"

Me: "Yeah. They tried to protest so they got sent to-"

Roommate's Friend #3: "Pussy Riot?"

Me: "Yeah. When Vladimir Putin's presidential term was up, he created the position of Prime Minister which was more important than President, then basically took that job and appointed the new president. Now a term later, he's switching them back, but now Prime Minister is less powerful again. Russians decided to protest, and this political girl band Pussy Riot staged some protests, so they got arrested and sentenced to three years in prison."

Roommate's 4^th Friend: "…You know a lot of things."

Me: "And none of them useful to my daily life."



I kind of wish for creativity's sake that I wrote that, instead of merely transcribing it.