Fifty Shades of Merchandise

Whoever designed the tie on the Fifty Shades of Gray cover has to be pissed tie printers don't get royalties. I'm sure the company that sells it is  very excited though.

In fact everybody's trying to cash in. I recently saw a line of softcore bondage gear trying to get in on the action without actually referencing the Shades. How'd they manage this? They shot the promo images for their boxes entirely in grayscale. That's some classy, classy glamor shots, right there.

Stay classy, soccer moms.

Avo Saver! | Save your avocados with this strange bondage gear!

"Stores & keeps a cut avocado fresh for longer"

What?

What is this medieval torture device? It bears (pears? *rimshot*) a striking resemblance to the "pear of anguish," actually. (Now you get the joke. /*rimshot*)

This thing looks like a lunchbox packed for The Gimp in Pulp Fiction.

If I wanted to spice up my marriage, I would reach into a small, nondescript shoebox at the back of my closet and pull out one of these. If my wife then refused to speak with my kinky ass for a week and we never spoke of it again, this is the device I would be caught applying to a high-salary call girl when I should have been on my congressionally-funded fact-finding tour.

Also, it might be made from the smelted remains of an old Swamp Thing: The Animated Series toys I had as a kid.

Yeah, that's not a sex bed. Sure.