U.S. seeks J-Lo's Left Nipple | Missed Connections

"The only malfunction here is my hairdo."

So I completely missed that the Oscars were happening, until I started seeing multiple red carpet tweets from friends in the media industries.

Then I saw two people who are just witty assholes say they saw Jennifer Lopez's nipple.

So that's a thing, again, a celebrity's nipple. Good job. We've proved it exists. If it's like Christina Ricci, I'm going to pretend like this never happened and she is still pristine and unspoiled.

But it raises a question I've had for a while now:

Why has no one created a website dedicated to extrapolating a celebrity's nude form from various partial nip-slips and wardrobe malfunctions and racy Guess Jeans ads I'm sure if I wanted to, I could find shots of J-Lo's side-boob and underboob to match against her notorious cleavage. Really, all I'd be missing in the center, which is really just a little discoloration and a chilly wind away, given the right shirt and some Photoshop. If you really want to be a stickler, toss on Halle Berry's from "Swordfish."

"Breast Guess Dot Com." No, wait, that's already a site to ID celebrity boobs out of context. Really? Alright, well another name would be found. Maybe "Compile-A-Nude" for now.

A little 3D modeling software is all it would take to build this into an HTML-5 web-app. One could load up a bunch of pictures, model them onto the 3D rendering of a famous physique, and BAM! Naked movie stars. It could even be applied to the humdrum and non-famous. There's always that one girl who posts 3,795 inappropriate photos to her facebook feed. Given enough time and enough sources and enough monkeys banging on Wacom tablets, you could have practically anybody naked.

But of course, that would be creepy and wrong, so let's just hope attractive people get horribly embarrassed on television in front of millions of viewers.

Hovertly

Hovertly - adv. Blatantly and with great whorishness. 'Overtly whorish.'

1. "JWoww's  outfit that evening was hovertly designed to attract the attention of gorilla juiceheads and paparazzi."

2. "While celebrities like Vanessa Hudgens and Rihanna are often caught sending nude photographs to lovers, they are frequently tasteful and sometimes unkempt, post-shower scenes; Blake Lively's meanwhile are tawdry, MySpace-esque, vanity shots, and thus hovertly pathetic."

Dear Ms. Lively,
It would not be Gossip, Girl
to say you have been Accepted
into the Sisterhood of the Traveling
Oh-Fuck-I'm-Not-Wearing-Any-Pants.
… Green Lantern.