Holloywood Secrets #441

If you party extra hard…

 … one day …

… an enormous washed-up celebrity will be in your wedding party.

Celebrity Names and How I Imagine They Are In Bed Based on That

• Blake Lively - Passive and taciturn. You do all the work.
  

• Bruce Springsteen A.K.A. "The Boss" - Actually rather gentle. Enjoys cuddling.
  

• Jane Lynch - Involves asphyxia. Or black men. Since she's gay, I'm going with the former.
  

• Lisa Lampanelli - Fucks lamps.

Anderson Cooper Says He's Gay, Is Last to Do So

Today at work we compared Anderson Cooper being attracted to other men to a chair's insatiable need to be acknowledged via repeatedly falling down: it was about as pivotal, and the chair was a more immediately pressing concern.

Good to stand up to count yourself when it matters, but glorious that it didn't seem to matter to a single person I met today. I imagine that's a bit Major City Bias, but it's still comforting to know most of the people I work with put who you want to make kissy faces with on the same level as what socks you wore to dinner last night.

For Anderson, I image both are really, really classy.

Men Pretty Enough to Date Scarlet Johansson

• David Beckham

• Brad Pitt, circa Fight Club

• Ryan Reynolds Dane Cook (I'm sure she made that mistake too.)

• That transsexual Canadian Miss Universe contestant

• The guy on the Brawny Paper Towels

Huh. Looks a little like Jeremy Piven with hair and a clean shave.

•  So I guess Jeremy Piven.

An Open Petition to Win the Love of Mila Kunis

I seriously just found out Mila Kunis has been single for the better part of a year, following an amicable break-up with creepy former child actor Macaulay Culkin. So. Obviously. It's time to make my play.

Reasons Mila Kunis and I Should Totally Date: A Bulleted List That Is In No Way Horrifying

• We both have heterochromia iridum. Granted, hers is complete brown-green while mine is sectoral brown-darker-brown, but, hey, it's that kind of kooky difference that will keep our relationship fresh and unexpected.

• I loved Friends With Benefits. Next to Justin Timberlake, she was absolutely the cutest thing about that movie.

• We're both Russian Jews, though neither one of us particularly would care. 

• We were both really into "That '70s Show" when we were 14.

I'm tempted to include "And neither one of us finds this list terrifying, pathetic, or even serious," but, frankly, I'm not even convinced. Honestly, I'd be happy with "funny enough I don't get a cease-and-desist letter."

I really need to stop collecting those.

Blue Ivy Carter | Yes, I Know I'm Behind On This

Looks like when famous people give
birth, they "look awful," meaning their
hair is feathered. '80s were rough, man.

I just found out, tonight, that Beyonce' and Jay-Z's daughter, Blue Ivy, is supposedly named after Jay-Z's album, "The Blueprint," and Beyonce's fourth and most recent album, "4" ("Ivy" being homophonous to pronounced a roman numeral IV).

What the shit, famous people. It was one thing to name your kid "Destiny Hope Cyrus," or even "Blanket." At least they have the good taste to call the kids something completely different to their faces. But naming your kid after your own albums? That's not just narcissistic, that's dumb.

What if Jay-Z had gay-married Danger Mouse? Would they have adopted a little Asian baby and named it "The Gray Album?"

How about just cutting out the middle man and naming your kid, "My Parents Are Fucking Famous?"

"My Parents Are Fucking Famous, did you turn in your homework today??"
"My Parents Are Fucking Famous, stop jumping on the bed!"
"My Parents Are Fucking Famous, you eat all of your caviar this instant, or you can't go fishing with Jaden and Willow Smith!"

Ruseel Brand's Mistress

I read today that Katy Perry has been devastated and declared her entire marriage (which as far as I knew ended amiably and without incident) a sham, after discovering soon-to-be ex-husband Russel Brand had had an affair. Of course the photo was blurry and quite possibly of a completely unrelated woman walking several paces behind him.

Still, how come famous married men always seem to cheat on their smoking hot, famous wives with women who aren't famous but look exactly the same? Barring Ashton Kutcher abandoning his teenage masturbatory phantasy for a scrawny blonde, it's a pretty universal phenomenon. Hell, even Jesse James ended up with a woman vaguely reminiscent of Sandra Bullock, just, you know, badass and kind of a Nazi.

I mean unless that was a photo of Zooey Deschanel. Then Russ just made an honest mistake.

U.S. seeks J-Lo's Left Nipple | Missed Connections

"The only malfunction here is my hairdo."

So I completely missed that the Oscars were happening, until I started seeing multiple red carpet tweets from friends in the media industries.

Then I saw two people who are just witty assholes say they saw Jennifer Lopez's nipple.

So that's a thing, again, a celebrity's nipple. Good job. We've proved it exists. If it's like Christina Ricci, I'm going to pretend like this never happened and she is still pristine and unspoiled.

But it raises a question I've had for a while now:

Why has no one created a website dedicated to extrapolating a celebrity's nude form from various partial nip-slips and wardrobe malfunctions and racy Guess Jeans ads I'm sure if I wanted to, I could find shots of J-Lo's side-boob and underboob to match against her notorious cleavage. Really, all I'd be missing in the center, which is really just a little discoloration and a chilly wind away, given the right shirt and some Photoshop. If you really want to be a stickler, toss on Halle Berry's from "Swordfish."

"Breast Guess Dot Com." No, wait, that's already a site to ID celebrity boobs out of context. Really? Alright, well another name would be found. Maybe "Compile-A-Nude" for now.

A little 3D modeling software is all it would take to build this into an HTML-5 web-app. One could load up a bunch of pictures, model them onto the 3D rendering of a famous physique, and BAM! Naked movie stars. It could even be applied to the humdrum and non-famous. There's always that one girl who posts 3,795 inappropriate photos to her facebook feed. Given enough time and enough sources and enough monkeys banging on Wacom tablets, you could have practically anybody naked.

But of course, that would be creepy and wrong, so let's just hope attractive people get horribly embarrassed on television in front of millions of viewers.

Katy Perry and Russel Brand to Divorce

"Smile, dear God, for the love of Christ smile."

Well there goes one of Hollywood's favorite odd-ball couples.

At the risk of potentially getting a cease and desist letter from Tosh.0 lawyers, "let's see how many jokes we can make in 30 seconds."


"I guess her boyfriend did mind it."

"Alright, this facade is getting a little difficult to keep up."

"Why would anyone ever want to divorce a person whose head is made of cotton candy?"

"If two obscenely wealthy celebrities with private jets can't make a bi-continental relationship, what hope is there for the rest of us?"

"I guess he got tired of her spraying her whipped cream boobs all over other guys."

"Being a recovering addict must be so hard when your wife acts like a stoned high schooler and looks like an acid trip you went on while playing Candyland."

"This is a major blow to inter-Muppet marriage equality."

"I always figured being that outlandish on camera, Katy Perry must be horrible in the sac. Turns out she's too stodgy even for and Englishman."

"I wonder if they're also getting divorced inside a tiger sanctuary."

"Yeah, okay, that's about how we feel too."

Movie Stars and the Movies I would Watch With Them

• Emma Stone - The Empire Strikes Back
  
• Will Shatner - For A Few Dollars More
  
• Paul Rudd - Anything with the Marx Brothers
  
• Mark Whalberg - Anything with Paul Rudd
  
• Seth Rogan - Anything not Pineapple Express
  
• Jason Mewes - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Mostly innocent and only about 47 minutes long.)
• Harrison Ford - Casablanca
• Zachary Quinto - The Godfather, because I've never seen it and I feel like he'd be respectful enough to let me sit through the whole thing without a running commentary.
  
• Everybody else - Probably Shaun of the Dead or the first 2/3 of Clueless.

On Rosie Huntington-Whitely

Aside from having the whitest name ever, I think I finally figured out what bothers me about the chick who ended up replacing Meagan Fox in Transformers 3. Fox wasn't exactly the best actress, and apparently she had a lousy attitude, but this girl looks like a shitty, squinty-eyed actress whose only redeeming feature is that she's by all appearances cool with being directed by Michael Bay to be a glorified masturbatory aid in a brutishly chauvinistic, testosterone-fueled explosion fantasy.

Here are a bunch of things I think Rosie Huntington-Whitely looks like:

A dumb bimbo doing a MySpace profile pic.














(Or a regular girl making fun of dumb bimbos.)















A douchebag.

A baby who has just eaten orange for the first time.











An actual orange.













 An exotic shorthair, just before it falls asleep.

Hovertly

Hovertly - adv. Blatantly and with great whorishness. 'Overtly whorish.'

1. "JWoww's  outfit that evening was hovertly designed to attract the attention of gorilla juiceheads and paparazzi."

2. "While celebrities like Vanessa Hudgens and Rihanna are often caught sending nude photographs to lovers, they are frequently tasteful and sometimes unkempt, post-shower scenes; Blake Lively's meanwhile are tawdry, MySpace-esque, vanity shots, and thus hovertly pathetic."

Dear Ms. Lively,
It would not be Gossip, Girl
to say you have been Accepted
into the Sisterhood of the Traveling
Oh-Fuck-I'm-Not-Wearing-Any-Pants.
… Green Lantern.

Charlie Sheen Is Hiring An Intern

Last night I was informed that Charlie Sheen is hiring an intern. He's also performing a stand-up tour styled one-man show, featuring talk time, Q&A periods and excessive use of non sequiturs.

But the internship. Yes, "Team Sheen" is looking for a social media intern, presumably because Charlie Sheen cannot be trusted to type batshit crazy tweets that aren't actually so batshit crazy they scare off any of his 2.8 million Twitter followers. They received 74,000 applications for the first round.

The test? Fill out a form and tell Team Sheen why you should be their Media Intern in 75 characters or less (presumably so you can send it as a tweet).

Celebrities For Whom I Should Intern In And Why (In 75 Characters Or Less):

Charlie Sheen - "My mother was a tiger; I am of her blood. Previous job: Vatican assassin."

Jerry Seinfeld - "I'm a guy who's all about nothing."

Lorne Michaels - "There's no way I could make Saturday Night Live any worse."

George Lucas - "Star Wars already stole my childhood, why not my adulthood too?"

Dave Eggers - "I know what 'sardonic' means; I can properly use a semicolon."

Rebecca Black - "I know why it's called "Friday."

Lindsay Lohan - "I have lots of blood. For things."

The guy from Aphex Twin - … alright, there's nothing that can be said about Aphex Twin in less than four million characters, all looped and read back simultaneously.

Things Charlie Sheen Might Actually Be On

Alright, Dean, you win.

Things Charlie Sheen Might Actually Be On:

• Drugs
• Twitter, denying that he is on drugs
• Methadone, to stop being on drugs
• Either "The Ball" or "Top of His Game," since apparently he is constantly winning
• Network news at least once every 48 minutes
• Par with his brother, Emilo Estevez's character Gordon Bombay in the opening scenes of The Mighty Ducks where he gets pulled over for a DUI.
• Top of Old Smokey, if "Old Smoky" is the name of his crack pipe.
• A hooker/porn actress, depending on if there's a camera present
• And off again with drugs
• (A) horse
• Mood stabilizers
• -omatopoeia 
• Tiger blood

Charlie Sheen's father Martin Sheen once couldn't get on an
airplane because his driver's license still reads "Martino Estevez."

On Dogs

Shh, shh, just go to sleep. It'll all be over soon.
You won't be able to hurt anyone else ever again.
Sleep now, forever, demon spawn.

When people came to the New World they brought their pets. When they moved Out West, they did the same. Homesteaders and frontiersmen occasionally had to deal with bears.

The thing is, big dogs like shepherds, retrievers, danes and labradors, they would try to fight off the bears an protect their masters.

Obviously, they died. Horribly. By bears.

But little dogs? Those little rat-looking things and toys and spaniels? Things that were bread with tiny bodies and short legs so they could burrow down into rodent dens and flush out the offending vermin? They yapped and yapped and yapped at the bears until they got annoyed and left.

Those fuckers scared off bears and lived.

And that's why celebritants like to carry tiny dogs around with them. They're afraid of bears.

On Skin Color

According to Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, she will sometimes list her nationality on job applications as "Tan."

Now, I'm not exactly sure how this occurred to me, all I know is I suddenly felt overcome by the urge to see what these people must naturally look like. (Well, not including the steroids, I mean.)

Some of them are almost attractive!

Failed Chuck Norris Facts

• Chuck Norris was born in Ryan, Oklahoma.
  
  
• Chuck Norris was in the U.S. air force.
  
  
• Chuck Norris halks bibles and exercise equipment on late night television because he loves Jesus and physical fitness.
  
  
• Bruce Lee killed a young Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon.
  
  
• Chuck Norris does not believe in evolution.
  
  
• Chuck Norris' wife Gina is a lovely woman.
  
  
• If you have six apples and Chuck Norris has seven apples, and you take three of Chuck's apples, Chuck Norris will fucking kill you.

On Lindsay Lohan

Recent obsessing over why Hannah Montana could possibly have become so famous to the contrary, my pop idol heart will always belong to Miss Lindsay Lohan.

Ever since she was 11 in the parent trap. (I hate dating myself, but I was only 10 too.) Through the eating disorders that robbed her of her luscious bosom, the drugs that replaced the eating disorder, the rehab and vaguely homoerotic bond with her best friend that replaced that, and even all the gross ways she looked trying to find the perfect amount of coke and liquor to power her through an existence empty of the accolades she so desperately craves. Even when she acknowledged that she was in an open lesbian relationship and appeared to actually grow as a person. Alone in my head, I stuck by her even through that.

It's been some crazy adventure, ups and downs, more downs than ups but much greater ascensions than even the longest crash. That said, here is a graphic representation of how hard I want to bang Lindsay Lohan over time:


(A full, giant-sized version can be found here, for those of you who are interested.)

Lets try a little break down.


1998 - The Parent Trap - Great remake. I'm ten, but even I want to kiss the Californian Lindsay on the lips out behind the swing set at recess.

2003 - Freaky Friday - Another remake. Yeah, she was around in between, but this was her next big thing and the first in her three contractual Disney pictures. She was an maladjusted teenage pop-punk chick who was gorgeous but wore a lot of black and didn't know she was hot. The perfect high school girlfriend. Also, from what I hear she and Jamie Curtis were both gave amazing performances of each other.

2004 - Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen - Dramatized being an egomaniacal, stupid bitch. Clothes were visually busy, distracted from lack of quality in rest of movie.

2004 - Mean Girls - Actually written by Tina Fey, this explains why the movie always seems like it was really good before being edited for television, except the parts that were cut out never existed in the first place. I distinctly get the feeling that Fey wrote a much better movie, as evidenced by the non-lesbian and the fat guy, depictions of legitimately vile high school life and pretty much any scene involving Tim Meadows. This was the absolute last and hottest jailbait Lindsay Lohan.

2005 - Herbie: Fully Loaded - Lohan in a jumpsuit, pre-substance abuse? By Zeus, at the premier events for this movie Lindsay was at her absolute finest. During the movie? No. After? Nope, that started her first major downward spiral, but right as the last of her Disney obligations was bombing in theaters, eighteen year old Lohan was looking so good I wouldn't have even minded picking up Wilder Valderama's sloppy seconds.

2006 - Just My Luck - I have actually seen the last seven minutes of this movie and had previously read a synopsis on Wikipedia. That said, it was just as horrible to watch as I'd imagined and up to that point successfully avoided experiencing. Poor acting, ridiculously "classically" handsome people running around pretending to know what their characters jobs actually entail and falling in love by wacky circumstance. Essentially, it was a teenage girl's version of Confessions of a Shopaholic, which actually fits the previous descriptions as well. Lohan's character is such a vapid, consumer whore, reveling in it until the plot of the movie forces her to become a real human being before finding her worthy and giving it all back as a reward, that I want her to fall off a slick cliff face. Yes, there's a point where I hate who you are inside so much that even I wouldn't sleep with you. Shocking, I know.

2006 - A Prairie Home Companion - Didn't see it. Heard it was really good. Lohan improves in my book for performing well in a grown-up movie.

2007 - Arrested on substance abuse charges. Sentenced to rehab, court dates, drug tests and later a very fashionable leg bracelet.

2007 - Georgia Rule - See my comments about Prairie Home, but add that she looks healthier and actually desirable again.

2007 - Never mind, she's a hot tranny mess again. Lots of photos surface of a pale, squishy-looking, strung-out Lindsay, hammered, wearing bikinis inside various hotel rooms. Many pictures of her nipples surface in this time and no one is doing damage control like they did for that one time she forgot her panties on a night out with the Hilton skank.

2007 - I Know Who Killed Me - Perhaps all that might have been due in part to her portraying a (literally) tortured, drug-addled stripper in this horribly bad thriller with an inappropriate fantasy twist. Though, appropriately, it puts a firm contrast on Lohan's character dichotomy: party sweet, successful, beloved daughter and her whorish evil twin every thinks is the same person.

2008 - Lindsay dates a girl openly. I'm wracked with that awkward feeling I usually get when a female friend I genuinely like gets a boyfriend and I am forced to deal with the realizations that a) she does not see me in that way, b) I will likely never sleep with her, and c) it's actually better for her emotional development to have a positive, functional relationship like I am incapable of. It's sad, but still kind of makes you feel good. Then she went crazy when even a very butch woman told her she was too much of a selfish bitch to deal with emotionally. Having been dumped by both primary genders, Lohan goes wackadoodle and tries to grab some of her stuff from her ex's place and gets caught outside hiding in the bushes.

2008 - In the middle of all that craziness, Lindsay achieves a childhood dream of becoming Marilyn Monroe for a day by posing nude for Playboy Magazine, replicating famous Monroe spreads and finally being naked on camera and not-blurry. Simultaneously, this fulfills many men's childhood dreams as well.

2009 - Labor Pains - OH GOD SO HORRIBLE MAKE IT STOP! [Note: babies are the precise antithesis of living your own successful life. That isn't the point this movie makes, but it's what I took away from it and that's what I think every time I see an attractive woman weighted down by kids or a baby bump. But hey, at least she puts out.]

July 6, 2010 - Lohan is found guilty of violating her 2007 probation and sentenced to 90 days in prison and an additional 90 days of rehab. Lohan cries like a little little bitch who didn't know she'd been getting trashed for the past three months in direct opposition to a court order and a piece of bling that measures her alcohol intake.

2010 - Lohan appears in Robert Rodriguez's Machete, a full-length exploitation film previously teased during the intermission of Grindhouse. Like the other 837 big-name actors in this movie, Lohan is gritty and likely murderous, and like all her female costars apparently appears topless and objectified. Ostensibly, it's her dream role.


I never thought I'd say this, but I'm tired of hearing Lindsay Lohan's husky voice in the back of my head and thinking about her breasts. She's too high-maintenance. I just want to go to sleep and maybe have a sandwich later.

On Western Union

I was at a loss for something to blog today, until about six minutes ago.

Now, I've commented on horrible advertising before. But tonight I must point to something particularly unsettling. Listen to just the first few seconds and you'll see what I mean.



Someone honestly thought this was going to be a good idea. Either they were oblivious to how horrible it makes Western Union seem, or they were so twisted to think it would be so gorilla, in your face to avoid all the platitudes and tell you flat out that

Money will "make your love tangible."

I- I really don't have anything more I can say about this. It's just reprehensible in such a simple, explicit way.

Today was just a day of evil, wasn't it, Mel?

On Unnecessary Bieber

Really, people?

Do we really need to know what your kid would look like if it was fathered (mothered?) by Justin Bieber?

I was all on board with age progression on Shiloh Jolie-Pitt because, frankly, that kid has Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for parents. It's either going to be some kind of Greco-Roman statuary or the biggest flesh pile of recessive traits since Rodney Dangerfield's mom had to strap a steak around his neck to get the dog to play with him.

I was even alright with this celebrity look-alike craze that comes up every few years. It's fun. I look kind of like some fun people. There are always funny glitches that pop up on humor sites. It's acceptable.

But Bieber? REALLY?

Let me give you a hint. You want to know what your Bieber baby will look like?


It'll look like a fucking baby!

Why? Because Bieber is still a fucking baby.

Look at his cheek bones. Those things haven't grown yet. His eyes are still close together. He doesn't have an Adam's apple, for Christ's sake. This is a boy who obviously has not gone through puberty, hence his ability to sing like a 13th century castrate.

Sweet Jesus, the boy might still have baby teeth and we're popularizing the notion that he can father children? This is exactly the kind of crap that's going to be keeping "16 and Pregnant" on the air for another decade.