Like Kids, the Best Pets are Somebody Else's

"Now is the winter of your discontent."

I'm not a dog person, but I love playing with pups so long as they aren't stinky pups.

Cats, same boat as long as I don't have to scoop that poop.

Kids, I mostly just like watching them like kindergarten is a zoo. No interest in touching one, or even really being noticed, just hang back with the pedophiles and angry dads restricted by the refs from getting too close to the soccer field.

I love my cats, but only when my mom was around to feed them. Dogs at my dad's house are a distant second, my cousin's kids and babies at work come in third an astronomical distance behind. Still, I get joy from these things.

Which is why I look forward to my roommate being able to bring her cat when we move into our new place. I love having a cat to pet and love and cuddle, I just hate fish smell and cleaning poop.

Let somebody else worry about sanitation and responsibility.

I'm going to be the "Fun Uncle" to animals everywhere.

Maybe to humans too, one day, but only once they're big enough to be cool.

Cute Puppies: Female Aphrodisiac, Male Contraceptive

A girl came into my store last week. This is not atypical, truthfully. She was also rather attractive, and clearly well over the age of consent in all 48 contiguous states, Alaska, Hawaii, and even Puerto Rico and other colonial landholdings of the United States. And I must admit, I stared quite a bit.

Everyone was pretty alright with this, as this girl happened to be holding one of the laziest, most adorable puppies I've ever seen. It never left her arm. The one arm. A second was not necessary. To be fair, I'm not sure this dog was even awake more than 30% of the time his owner was in the store. The only thing I saw him do was yawn.

Oh yes, him. I know it was male, because we kept cruising this girl so hard eventually we had to admit it was just a cute dog and we didn't suspect her of shoplifting with an incredibly realistic hand puppet. She then informed us the little guy was named Jeffrey. Adorable.

Amazingly, it stands to reason this was the only time such a pretty young lady could be certain that people were checking out her dog and not, say, her ass. While I'm sure Jeff attracts that certain breed of douchebag who see him as an "in" with his master, more often then not I'd suspect she does not bring her dog with her to casual pick-up spots for the swarthy Lothario club hopping crowd.

All the attention we lavish upon her is directed entirely at her dog. It's the same method douchebag men use to attract gorgeous women and then sway the conversation to drinks and superficial bonding activities.

Basically, this girl is either the world's greatest (worst?) female pick-up artist, or she's discovered the most effective manner of unwanted male attention deterrent since the all-girls gym membership.

Bravo, Miss.

Bwavo.