I am apparently a sexist, hypocritical bastard

People who look like this don't get jobs as waitresses.
They get a million dollars for talking funny and getting naked every three episodes.

I hate seeing so many pretty people on TV.

Alright, obviously that's a lie. Maybe vitriol, if I can save some face. I'm tired of seeing average people on TV dating or married to smoking hot individuals (The League, any family dinner-comedy, and every show where a fat comedian is married with the exceptions of Roseanne [giving her a hot husband would have been disingenuous and double-standards prevented it from seeming believable] and Mike and Molly [which I'll get to in a second]). I'm also tired of seeing gorgeous people having hard lives as if they didn't know they were gorgeous. (True Blood, The New Girl, Two Broke Girls, etc.)

Do you know what happens when you grow up pretty and outgoing?

You become a successful actress. Brooding and Tortured Guy doesn't hang around playing video games all day in his boxers, he grows up and works three jobs in between auditions until he lands a gig opposite Zooey Deschanel for a couple seasons making good money. And yeah, in his free time then he plays Call of Duty in his skivvies. But he's not clinically depressed about never meeting girls.

The nerds on The Big Bang Theory date gorgeous women. Haha, joke joke, everyone's pretty on TV. Yes. Everyone. Even the ugly people on TV aren't that ugly. Hell, Ugly Betty was pretty cute, they just did a major reverse-montage on her every episode, like watching a high school prom movie backwards. We're creating neurotic children with impossible perceptions of beauty because we just don't like to look at anyone who isn't uncommonly attractive in our leisure time.

And yet I don't like Mike and Molly. I don't like looking at Ron Howard's brother on The League. I have no interest in watching any of the women from Bridesmaids in any of the things they have ever been in, including that amazing film I still haven't seen, simply because I do not find myself enjoying looking at them.

I've been sucked into this scheme as much as everyone else, so all I can do is propose this:

Let us hold ourselves to a higher standard than we have, so perhaps there will be fewer obese, slothful, unhealthy people in the real world.

And let us hold others to a standard lower, so that we will see beauty in unaugmented human beings who genuinely try to be their best.



Also, let's murder anyone who starred in a reality show just because they were famous for being famous. I figure that's gotta give us a leg-up.

Cute Puppies: Female Aphrodisiac, Male Contraceptive

A girl came into my store last week. This is not atypical, truthfully. She was also rather attractive, and clearly well over the age of consent in all 48 contiguous states, Alaska, Hawaii, and even Puerto Rico and other colonial landholdings of the United States. And I must admit, I stared quite a bit.

Everyone was pretty alright with this, as this girl happened to be holding one of the laziest, most adorable puppies I've ever seen. It never left her arm. The one arm. A second was not necessary. To be fair, I'm not sure this dog was even awake more than 30% of the time his owner was in the store. The only thing I saw him do was yawn.

Oh yes, him. I know it was male, because we kept cruising this girl so hard eventually we had to admit it was just a cute dog and we didn't suspect her of shoplifting with an incredibly realistic hand puppet. She then informed us the little guy was named Jeffrey. Adorable.

Amazingly, it stands to reason this was the only time such a pretty young lady could be certain that people were checking out her dog and not, say, her ass. While I'm sure Jeff attracts that certain breed of douchebag who see him as an "in" with his master, more often then not I'd suspect she does not bring her dog with her to casual pick-up spots for the swarthy Lothario club hopping crowd.

All the attention we lavish upon her is directed entirely at her dog. It's the same method douchebag men use to attract gorgeous women and then sway the conversation to drinks and superficial bonding activities.

Basically, this girl is either the world's greatest (worst?) female pick-up artist, or she's discovered the most effective manner of unwanted male attention deterrent since the all-girls gym membership.

Bravo, Miss.

Bwavo.