On Meeting My Perfect Woman

I met my perfect woman the other day, and–from the back, at least– she looks fantastic.

• First off, she drives an Outback. Clearly, this is a woman who is more than comfortable taking what she can get. That's definitely in my favor.

• Beavis and Butthead bumper stickers.

• Next, zombie family/pet decals in the window, "Warning: Zombies Ahead," and "Support Zombies" bumper stickers. Great taste in villains: mass panic, lemmings, consumerism, mankind as a whole; none of this evil machine garbage.

• "Guns don't kill people. People with mustaches kill people" sticker says "I remember The Simpsons making fun of Death Wish, but am too young to actually remember Death Wish. Also, it makes my own 'stache appear dangerous.

• Pink Hello Kitty window decal says "I'm still a girl, despite all my other vehicular accoutrements."

• There's a large, half-drunk Snapple classic in the trunk of that hatchback.

 I may be in love.

On Polygamy

They must go through so much ketchup.

I was driving in my car today, because that's generally what a person drives other than tanks and golf balls and such. But I was driving behind a polygamist and I could tell he was a polygamist because he had one of those white stick figure family decals on his back windshield and that shit looked like the Mormon tabernacle choir.
One man, three wives, about ninety kids with dogs, cats, goldfish, and I think was supposed to be a crocodile but it really looked more like an alligator anyway, all holding hands with Jesus off in the corner stretching out his arms in a double high-five or whatever it is that Jesus is always posing for.
This guy must have been really proud of his polygamy. He must go home to his buddies and ask them how their wives are doing.
"Oh, you know, Bill, same old same old. Mary's pregnant again, and Jane's worried about our taxes."
"Oh! That's so right, you're only a bigamist! I always forget how cute that is. What's the matter, Ted? Couldn't ever bring yourself to settle down for a third time? Well, you take care now!"