Why They Can Never Reboot "Revenge of the Nerds"

"INTELLIGENT BUT SOCIALLY INEPT PEEEEEOPLEEEEE!"

• "Only nerds play video games" was ruined by that whole "Call of Duty" thing. And Madden. And Halo.

• "All nerds think about is sex," isn't exactly true. I mean yes, it is, but unless you plan on seducing that cheerleader with your Japanese tentacle porn or long, steely-eyed glances while you save her from sword-wielding demons as cherry blossoms blow in the background, you're probably not actually good at sex. Point of order: a lack of cardio.

• They'd end up in prison on wrongful death convictions after one of the girls killed herself when she realized she'd been spied on in the shower, then broadcast over the LAN to a neighboring frat house.

• As Robot Chicken pointed out, they'd be in jail for about nine other reasons too.

• The gay kid wouldn't be caught dead in any of Lamar's original wardrobe pieces.

• Their talent show performance would still have synth, and look predominantly the same, but any audience would be permanently deafened by the rumbling bass of the nerds' dub-step band barreling through cinema speakers.

• Any nerds that smart would have gotten into a much better school, where stratification of social cliques is less pronounced due to a higher overall standard of collegiate excellence. They would be quite popular among their grad student peers, and would receive modest funding for their various side projects, ensuring at minimum long and healthy publishing careers and a tidy income from various patents for processes used in handheld devices and autonomous vehicles. The jocks would enjoy their sports while maintaining B+ averages throughout their MBA track.

Nobody Puts Romney In A Corner

"…so I told George Hammilton, 'I'm all for a healthy tan …
Just call me inside before someone mistakes me for my gardener!'"

I finally realized who Mitt Romney reminds me of, with his open-colored starched shirt and his blue yacht blazer, the distinguished gray at his temples: he looks like the rich, out-of-touch dad from every '80s teen movie.

In fact, you can summarize Romney's stance on pretty much anything using '80s douche movie dialogue. Insert hashtag #NobodyPutsRomneyInACorner


On Abortion:

"I see someone in front of me who got his partner in trouble and sent her off to some butcher, while he moved on to an innocent young girl like my daughter!"
                             - Jake Houseman, Dirty Dancing, 1987

On Investing:

"It's easy to grin
When your ship comes in
And you've got the stock market beat
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When his shorts are too tight in the seat."
                             - Judge Smails, Caddyshack, 1980

On Environmentalism:

"I'm warning you. Turning off these machines will be extremely hazardous."
"No, I'm telling you what's hazardous."
                             - Dr. Egon Spengler, Walter Peck, Ghostbusters, 1984

On A Knowledgeable Support Staff:


"I'm not interested in your opinion."
                              - Also Walter Peck

On the Children Being Our Future:

"No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley."
                              - Principal Strickland, Back to the Future, 1985 (actual 1985)

On Cutting Loose:

"Sometimes you just gotta say, 'What the heck.'"
                              - Joel's Father, Risky Business, 1983

On Corporal Punishment:

"I just picked up Jeannie at the police station! She got a speeding ticket, another speeding ticket, and I lost the Vermont deal because of her!"
"I think we should shoot her."
                              - Katie and Tom Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986

On Foreign Policy:

"If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt."
                               - Ed Rooney, again Ferris Bueller


I was actually going to throw in Sixteen Candles here, but that dad was kind of the man.