Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Nobody Puts Romney In A Corner

"…so I told George Hammilton, 'I'm all for a healthy tan …
Just call me inside before someone mistakes me for my gardener!'"

I finally realized who Mitt Romney reminds me of, with his open-colored starched shirt and his blue yacht blazer, the distinguished gray at his temples: he looks like the rich, out-of-touch dad from every '80s teen movie.

In fact, you can summarize Romney's stance on pretty much anything using '80s douche movie dialogue. Insert hashtag #NobodyPutsRomneyInACorner

On Abortion:

"I see someone in front of me who got his partner in trouble and sent her off to some butcher, while he moved on to an innocent young girl like my daughter!"
                             - Jake Houseman, Dirty Dancing, 1987

On Investing:

"It's easy to grin
When your ship comes in
And you've got the stock market beat
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When his shorts are too tight in the seat."
                             - Judge Smails, Caddyshack, 1980

On Environmentalism:

"I'm warning you. Turning off these machines will be extremely hazardous."
"No, I'm telling you what's hazardous."
                             - Dr. Egon Spengler, Walter Peck, Ghostbusters, 1984

On A Knowledgeable Support Staff:

"I'm not interested in your opinion."
                              - Also Walter Peck

On the Children Being Our Future:

"No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley."
                              - Principal Strickland, Back to the Future, 1985 (actual 1985)

On Cutting Loose:

"Sometimes you just gotta say, 'What the heck.'"
                              - Joel's Father, Risky Business, 1983

On Corporal Punishment:

"I just picked up Jeannie at the police station! She got a speeding ticket, another speeding ticket, and I lost the Vermont deal because of her!"
"I think we should shoot her."
                              - Katie and Tom Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986

On Foreign Policy:

"If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt."
                               - Ed Rooney, again Ferris Bueller

I was actually going to throw in Sixteen Candles here, but that dad was kind of the man.

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