Masturbatory Self-Congratulations

All I'm saying, is this guy looks cocky as shit and I love it.

Supersize that image to look at Romney's "I'm getting photographed" sad smile, too.

I'm going to sleep now. I'll try to catch up on those 300 mutual facebook congrats notices tomorrow. After that, I plan on paying my taxes, enjoying my health care, and buying my multiple, bisexual, atheist lovers buy-one/get-one abortion gift cards.

If you think he was too liberal before, you have no idea what kind of Jed Bartlet shit Barry's gonna pull now that he's got nothing to lose.

New York Comic Con: Filler Photo

Ugh. So I saw The Colbert Report at 7:30 and then the 11:30 episode came on and I realized it was actually 1:30 and I'd stayed up way too late to post my annual Best Costumes post, so here's proof that nerds have coopted all of New York the whole year, and not just one weekend in October:

"Where we're going, we don't need roads."
And that's how Mitt Romney won the movie geek vote and slashed public works budgets.

Political Jokes I Wrote While Falling Asleep

This started as a series of non-partisan "yo mama" style burns, but I am rather obviously partisan and at some early point the disses became more an audition to be a Daily Show writer.


The Republican party's greased so many wheels, the EPA is considering Mitt Romney's hair as an alternate to foreign oils.

Last election a black man refused to disclose his birth certificate, this year a white man won't even show us his printouts from TurboTax. By 2016 we should expect a Tea Party candidate who won't divulge even his name and age, but he'll be very vocal about his stance on gun control.

Speaking of stances, the GOP's position for women and abortion is "first against the wall."



There was a whole long bit about Obama and "trap cards" and legislature being his "manna," but I clearly fell asleep writing it because I started mixing analogies and, worse, nerdy RPG references, and that just cannot be tolerated.

Nobody Puts Romney In A Corner

"…so I told George Hammilton, 'I'm all for a healthy tan …
Just call me inside before someone mistakes me for my gardener!'"

I finally realized who Mitt Romney reminds me of, with his open-colored starched shirt and his blue yacht blazer, the distinguished gray at his temples: he looks like the rich, out-of-touch dad from every '80s teen movie.

In fact, you can summarize Romney's stance on pretty much anything using '80s douche movie dialogue. Insert hashtag #NobodyPutsRomneyInACorner


On Abortion:

"I see someone in front of me who got his partner in trouble and sent her off to some butcher, while he moved on to an innocent young girl like my daughter!"
                             - Jake Houseman, Dirty Dancing, 1987

On Investing:

"It's easy to grin
When your ship comes in
And you've got the stock market beat
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When his shorts are too tight in the seat."
                             - Judge Smails, Caddyshack, 1980

On Environmentalism:

"I'm warning you. Turning off these machines will be extremely hazardous."
"No, I'm telling you what's hazardous."
                             - Dr. Egon Spengler, Walter Peck, Ghostbusters, 1984

On A Knowledgeable Support Staff:


"I'm not interested in your opinion."
                              - Also Walter Peck

On the Children Being Our Future:

"No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley."
                              - Principal Strickland, Back to the Future, 1985 (actual 1985)

On Cutting Loose:

"Sometimes you just gotta say, 'What the heck.'"
                              - Joel's Father, Risky Business, 1983

On Corporal Punishment:

"I just picked up Jeannie at the police station! She got a speeding ticket, another speeding ticket, and I lost the Vermont deal because of her!"
"I think we should shoot her."
                              - Katie and Tom Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986

On Foreign Policy:

"If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt."
                               - Ed Rooney, again Ferris Bueller


I was actually going to throw in Sixteen Candles here, but that dad was kind of the man.

BBC: "Romney hits back on Bain attacks"

First he'll break the Bat, then he'll break the GOP.

Bane Dorrance 2012.

A Field Guide to Yogurts

 
Fruit-on-the-Bottom:

You are the blue-collar Joe of the yogurt world. You make me work for my deliciousness, and you keep your jammy bits jammy, sealed from the crisp breeze by your succulent layer of, well, you.

Fruit-on-Top:

You're trying too hard to be classy. Like that scene in [any movie about a girl being made classy] where she has to figure out which fork to use.

Fruit-in-the-Middle:

You're a fucking parfait. Deal with it. 

Fruit-in-a-Tube:

You're fucking nine.

Plain:

Mitt Romney's version of "ethnic food."