A Thought

I wonder if @MayorEmanuel ever says, "Rahm wasn't built in a day."

Because I feel like that account was. In, like, an hour or two, tops. Especially since–if I'm to believe The Social Network–facebook took, like, one night and some drunken anger issues to get coded.

On Just Your Everyday, Regular Guys, You Know?

"I want to ask this question, but I don't want to- I know it'll make me- I don't want to sound like an asshole."

This is what a very dear friend said to me a few hours ago. It was somewhat leading, based on the conversation we had been having, but the question itself was in no way obvious from context. Given two normal, everyday people alone in a room, I would not expect one to know where this discussion was going more than, say, 30% of the time. It is precisely this issue that allowed me to know exactly what question I was about to be asked, because it's not normal and I've already wondered countless times, but I've never asked because it does make you feel like an asshole.

"'What the hell do normal people think about all day??'"

It was a good minute before I could hear anything but raucous, almost disbelieving laughter coming through the receiver in my cell phone–that and occasionally a few syllables of "DAA-AAAAVEEE!!"–but this was enough to tell me I hit the nail on the head. With a sledgehammer.

You see, there are two types of people in this world, as loath as I am to use that simplified stance on anything. There are people who with great consistency wonder what other people must think about at all hours, thinking, "Well I think of these things, but I'm considered weird, so normal people probably don't think that. Maybe they think about football? Or hockey. Maybe people think about hockey.It's already Fall. They play hockey on ice all year but I thought hockey season would be in Fall and Winter since they traditionally must have started when there was ice out. Crap. What was I thinking about? Oh yeah, 'what do normal people think about?'"

The other type of people are normal people, and I have no idea what they think about because as far as I can tell they're not inclined to ever wonder that. The only people who seem to ask that question are the type of people who ask that question. Somewhat circular logic, I know, but frankly you just have to split the difference when you can. Some people ponder how introspective other people must be, while other people don't wonder about wondering.

Which is not to say they're incapable of it. I avoid asking the direct question because I don't want to come off as a complete douche, but my friend Dean has answered once or twice. He seems to indicate that he thinks about whatever it is he's been tasked with doing, then maybe thinking about what he's going to do on the weekend or something. If he's at work and bored, he might check Facebook to see if anyone's RSVP'd to do whatever it is he wanted to do this weekend to spend the money he has earned by working. There's a correlation of thought processes.

I asked Dean once, "What do you think about when you're going to bed? Right before you actually fall asleep but the lights are out and you're actually trying to become asleep, what thoughts are going through your head? What do you think about, right then?"

Dean indicated that he didn't. He just goes to sleep. I asked if he thought about what he had done that day or try to plan out what he has to do tomorrow. He seemed to indicate more towards the latter, but it really petered out around 'go to work, have dinner with dad Thursday."

I'm always thinking. Weird thoughts, too. I cracked the meaning of Donnie Darko's time vortex in the shower. The Terminator time travel. I came up for a mode of faster-than-light telecommunication that is scientifically sound but can't possibly exist for at least 50 years, also in the shower. I do a hel of a lot of thinking in the shower. Before bed, my life tends to swing between feeling so contented in my nice cozy sheets that I drift lazily to the most restful sleep reserved usually for new-born babes and the cruelly, psychotically remorseless … or I just think about every mistake I've ever made and how stupid I am for it and why my inability to not fuck up will leave me forever ruined and without love. One or the other.

On the other hand, Dean has the most amazing ability to fall asleep anywhere, doing anything, and fight through every possible stimulus against waking. Last Sunday he fell asleep at the movies and a hard slap across the face only managed to wake him gradually.

So maybe he's not the best source to ask about pre-sleep thought patterns.

Random Thoughts That Won't Fit Elsewhere

• No one really uses "irony" appropriately. I sneezed while eating yogurt the other day and I think some granola went up my nose. If I get a sinus infection from health food, that would be irony.
  
  
• All my shirts are cutoffs because wearing sleeves would classify my arms as concealed weapons.
  
  
• It bothers me when Facebook sluts post 837,000 whorish photos and don't even have the common decency to use a high-resolution camera.
  
  
• If they combined the Coors Light train with the train from "Back to the Future Part III," I think that'd be just about the coolest train ever.
  
  
• If they reboot Superman one more time, he'll have been adopted by the Kents, a good-natured, Middle American couple on their way home from seeing an advanced screening of Star Wars.
  
  
• I do not want the "hardest working" antiperspirant. I want one that makes that shit look easy. I want the Lebron James of deodorants.
  

In the Spirit of Jack Handy II

I'm sick so I'm not even going to try to think up something new and witty. Here's some thoughts from my Twitter that didn't quite pan out into full blogs:

• Getting in shape and getting fat are exactly the same in that after a while you start to find parts of your body that weren't there before.
  
  
• I want a "LIVELONG" bracelet. It's only for healthy people with no threatening illnesses who won't likely die soon. Also it's for Vulcans.
  
  
• Outside college, pajama or "loungewear" bottoms are not an acceptable replacement for real pants. Neither are they a proper substitute for underwear.
  
  
• I saw an internet video of a dog in zero-gravity and asked myself aloud, laughing, "Why would you DO that?!" Accidentally described whole internet.
  
  
• Brendan Fraser, I know I say this every time you come out with a new movie, but Brendan Fraser, please stop making movies.
  
  
• I'd be more inclined to use marijuana if you could just chew the damned stuff. And if it tasted like a brownie. Or was a brownie. You know what, forget the weed and just get me a brownie.
  
  
• I went to the mall looking to get new glasses, but the selection sucked, so I wandered the mall and found a $20 bill on the ground in the middle of the floor. Then I watched an MTV T.V. pilot for the Nielsen company and got $15. Basically, I think God wants me to be unemployed.

In the Spirit of Jack Handy

Whenever I use Twitter, I usually ignore the ability to "Favorite" my favorite tweets because I

A) don't have very witty or interesting friends,
B) am fighting my compulsive habits to collect and horde digital information, and
C) have a slight grudge against using "Favorite" as a verb.
That said, I sometimes use this ability to mark off times when I get reply tweets from relatively famous people (Ingrid Michaelson, Lauren Leto, Danielle Corsetto, etc).

Mostly, however, I just use it to mark down my brilliant, Jack-Handy-like ideas for later. Here are some of them:

• "I think the physical health benefits of drinking Miller's MGB 64 are offset by ordering a beer that makes me look like a fucking pussy."
  
• "Has anyone else ever noticed that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad looks remarkably like every third player on a European soccer team?"
  
  
• "Bisexuality is a lot like veganism. It's great if that's really who you are, but fuckin annoying if it's just for attention."
  
  
• "We live in a wonderful time. Most Sci-Fi movies indicate we've either missed the apocalypse or it's a full generation away."
  
  
• "American Apparel ads do not make me want to wear American Apparel clothes. It makes me want to sleep with American Apparel models."
  
  
• "Some people have over-active bladders. I just have an overwhelming urge to stand in front of porcelain."
  
  
• "Those who call beer pong "Beirut" are the same people who call soccer 'futbol.'"
  
  
• "If you practice kissing in a mirror you will never miss, but you'll never learn to tilt your head either."
  
  
• "It bothers me that there are 11 tracks on Pearl Jam's 'Ten.'"