Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In the Spirit of Jack Handy

Whenever I use Twitter, I usually ignore the ability to "Favorite" my favorite tweets because I

A) don't have very witty or interesting friends,
B) am fighting my compulsive habits to collect and horde digital information, and
C) have a slight grudge against using "Favorite" as a verb.
That said, I sometimes use this ability to mark off times when I get reply tweets from relatively famous people (Ingrid Michaelson, Lauren Leto, Danielle Corsetto, etc).

Mostly, however, I just use it to mark down my brilliant, Jack-Handy-like ideas for later. Here are some of them:

  • "I think the physical health benefits of drinking Miller's MGB 64 are offset by ordering a beer that makes me look like a fucking pussy."
  • "Has anyone else ever noticed that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad looks remarkably like every third player on a European soccer team?"

  • "Bisexuality is a lot like veganism. It's great if that's really who you are, but fuckin annoying if it's just for attention."

  • "We live in a wonderful time. Most Sci-Fi movies indicate we've either missed the apocalypse or it's a full generation away."

  • "American Apparel ads do not make me want to wear American Apparel clothes. It makes me want to sleep with American Apparel models."

  • "Some people have over-active bladders. I just have an overwhelming urge to stand in front of porcelain."

  • "Those who call beer pong "Beirut" are the same people who call soccer 'futbol.'"

  • "If you practice kissing in a mirror you will never miss, but you'll never learn to tilt your head either."

  • "It bothers me that there are 11 tracks on Pearl Jam's 'Ten.'"


  1. Alright, FINE. Both Dean and Alaina are interesting people, worthy of being starred on Twitter.


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