Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Heathens!

 


May your glass be ever full, may the roof over your head be ever strong, and may you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
                                                 - Old Irish Drinking Toast
I hope you were all responsible enough yesterday during the festivities that you have survived to see this day, whereby you are entitled once more to imbibe until the fluids coming out of ya are as toxic as the fluids flowing inta ya.

Please make poor choices. Only small ones, little things that lead to fun and perhaps mischief, but never heartache or cruelty. Create wonderful stories and be a part of them, then make up a way better ending for when you tell it to your friends.

And if you see a little red-headed guy with a pot of gold…

Kick him. Because that ginger midget just used his one chance a year to rob a bank and get away with it.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Last Goodnight's "Stay Beautiful" Is Awful and Here Is Why



This song is the musical equivalent of what you write in a high school yearbook for someone you never really knew and never really cared to.

"Don't stop. Don't change. Stay beautiful."

 Fantastic. Why don't you just add "Have a great summer!" to the end of that and make this humiliation complete? At this point your just saying words that happen through sheer repetition of language to have acquired a culturally understood sensicality. There is no actual meaning to any of them in that order. You might have well better utilized the space under your senior class photo by simply scrawling your name extra large and the brief message, "Thanks for being polite. I'll never likely see you again and we're both alright with this."


HAGS!
- Dave

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

On Justin Bieber II

Add some studs and spikes, and that's the same jacket M.J. wore in his "Thriller" video.
I'm just glad Michael Jackson never lived to see this day.
You know, what with all the child molestation and all.

I came up with this the other day. Since I have n use for it, have at it. Replace "Justin Bieber" with any 'artist' you utterly loathe.


"To call Justin Bieber's work pedestrian would be to insult the intelligence of anyone capable of crossing the street."



Feel free to add an "Oh, snap," to the end if you so choose.


And for the record, the older he gets, the more I come to believe that Justin Bieber is actually the first successful human clone.

Of Ellen Degeneres.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

An Open Letter to Nikki Minaj, From Her Cardiologist

I'm pretty sure they made Nikki Minaj out of whatever was left
from building Katy Perry's
California Gurls set.


Ms. Minaj,


This is to confirm the results of the blood work and chem panels ordered at your last visit on 23 March. We agree to disclose these test results herein at your request in light of your hectic travel schedule.

All lab results came back nominal, with no significant aberrations or abnormalities to be concerned with. Cholesterol is slightly elevated, but well within normal ranges for age, sex, and race. Glucose levels are good, blood pressure normal.

We would like to schedule an appointment at your earliest convenience for follow-up testing to determine that cause of your recently reported episodes. Though it does not seem likely and your blood work is not troubling in any way, based solely on your oral description we would like to rule out the possibility of a mild tachycardic arrhythmia.

Such a condition would require only mild medication and could most likely be managed with simple diet and steady exercise. Again, we stress that your previous check-ups and history are not strongly indicative of this possibility.

In the meantime we suggest a mild diet, balanced sugar intake, and a slight reduction in salt consumption. Perhaps, switch to dating scrawny white men for the time being and report if episodes decrease in frequency.


Regards,

Dr. Jigga Mogol


Sunday, July 8, 2012

Amy Winehouse: Hopefully Not Too Soon Now



With some distance between us and the tragedy itself, in retrospect does Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" come off more like a desperate cry for help, or a preemptive suicide note along?

You know, like anything by Nirvana ever.


Saturday, June 30, 2012

Pantera Is Not A Breakfast Food


Whenever I hear it, I think "Pantera" is a breakfast food. Something pancake-y, or like porridge, maybe. Either that or it's a long-gone supercontinent. It broke apart in a global catastrophe brought about by too many waffles.

And now we honor its memory in song.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Songs About Impossible Measures of Time

25 or 6 to 4 - Chicago




9 in the Afternoon - Panic! at the Disco




Eight Days a Week - The Beatles




Technically, anything by 30 Seconds to Mars. That's a unit of time only assuming you first know both your current speed and the approximate distance to Mars. It's like making the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. We get it, but, yeah, come on.

I'm open to additions!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Money, Prostitutes, and Taylor Swift

Context: I let myself into a friend's house to leave him money to buy baseball tickets. (I'm essentially paying $91 for a Fenway Frank, and I'm told the privilege of likely being ejected within the first 3 innings. I have taken the over-under and bet on four.)

In defense of The Hangover,
I didn't like it back when it was
Very Bad Things either.


Me: I considered hiding the money in one of your shoes to make you look for it, but instead left it in your computer. Much less work. (Ryan has many, many shoes.)

Ryan: Thanks, yeah. Did you leave the computer open?

Me: It was half-open, half-fallen diagonally inside a half-closed drawer. I more just threw the money into it like a spent and malaised prostitute after a business transaction.

Ryan: Nice simile. I was downloading a file, so I left it open.

Me: Thanks. Yeah, I killed my battery the other day downloading Taylor Swift. I'm … not proud.

Ryan: We all have our guilty pleasures.

Me: That's just the thing. I can't tell if I get any pleasure out of it. She's like the tween country equivalent of S&M. Catchy bitch.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

On Equal Loathing of All Teenagers



Just so as to be fair to the 14 year old girls I verbally assaulted in yesterday's post, the same date I encountered a group of about six males, aged approximately 16 years. One asked another if he had purchased tickets for a concert yet. This male retorted:

"They're all just computers now." He was not going to a concert because all his bands were over-produced and prerecorded. Nothing was life.

Then his friend said, "All bands are computers now."

In what world of non-stop dubstep WUBWUBWUBWUBWUB-ing do you have to live where you believe all music is the atonal equivalent to two Transformers fucking in a room full of industrial metallurgy equipment. Jesus Christ, I know I was young and stupid when I was sixteen, but at least I had the decency to listen to classic rock when I thought modern music was garbage.

Alright, when I was sixteen I was a certifiable genius. Okay, and I was like 43.

Basically, I've been 43 forever. I'm Mork from Ork. (Even though that show off-the-air 4 years when I was born, which, incidentally, reiterates my point about being anachronistically awesome.)

Man, I would have given those kids a Stern Old Man lecture, if I wasn't so sure they could beat me up.

Friday, February 3, 2012

"Our House" | Did you know it was a song before the Folger's commercials?

I may be 30 years late in saying this, but I wasn't around thirty years ago to make the point then:

The band Madness seems really concerned with reminding everyone where their house is.

Is their a party there, or something? Are they trying to explain a weird kind of cul de sac to a delivery guy? What's going on?

And is it some type of British turn of phrase, or were they just never informed that "the middle of the street" is a shitty place to build a house? Try one side of the street or the other, guys. I think you'll find that gets you more rest and fewer cars through your living room during peak-traffic hours.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Falty Wisdom of '80s Classics

  • I've heard it said that big girls don't cry, but I've certainly seen some fat girls tear up in my day.
  • Ignore Men Without Hats; leaving your friends behind, even if they don't dance, is never very safe.
  • It is very likely that we did, in fact, start at least one small fire.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Hollywood, Please Make Entire Movies Out of Montages

George had the prettiest dress in the whole movie.
Hands-down.
As useful a narrative device as it is, there's something deeply problematic at the heart of every montage sequence: it skips all the hard work.

Yes, in a romantic comedy it makes for a fun, clean sequence of cut-scenes and '80s music that takes up very little screen time while also showing time elapsing and much being achieved. Maybe a house gets painted or multiple wedding/prom dresses are tried on. All the hard work is removed because the audience doesn't want to see seven hours or nerds sweeping up a frat house; no one needs to see Drew Barrymore get zipped into four different gowns and then discuss with Adam Sandler, a Boy George impersonator, and that actress who looks like a young Jennifer Aniston but wasn't exactly why they don't necessarily work for her.

However, not showing these minutes and hours seems to have impacted our culture. Impacted it like a wisdom tooth. "I feel like this shouldn't be taking as long as it is." "I feel like we must be trying to hard." If I set up a thirty year old ghetto-blaster boom box and pop in a Duran Duran cassette, I don't really expect to be done painting my grandma's entire house by the time I hear the last chords in "Rio."

But I kind of do. I don't expect to have to work hard, or for very long, before I start seeing results. What do you mean I have to work out for six months before I see noticeable results? What do you mean for an hour a day? What are slow reps? What's this notion of applying for jobs constantly, even after I achieve the dream of a 35 hour-a-week retail job? God damn it, that was good enough for Janeane Garofalo in Reality Bites, why should I have to work harder than that?

The montage has ruined us. I would pay $40 to see an entire movie about the six weeks Seth Rogan spent at the end of Knocked Up getting his life together by moving out of his friends' house, throwing away his bongs, getting an office job that would sponsor him for U.S. citizenship, renting a nice apartment, and studying all his baby guides. Why would I do that?

Because I'm 25 and no one has ever taught me how to put my shit in order and work hard without seeing immediate results.

But at least my life's got a killer soundtrack.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The AMAs | I have never heard any of these songs before

"Nutcracker, I have prepared my body."
I watched about 30 seconds of the AMAs tonight. It was the opening too. Nicki Minaj was a sexy robot with some TRON dudes on stilts, which was pretty cool. The Queen Latifah came out to present the first award, "Favorite Pop/Rock Artist/Duo/Group." And Maroon 5 won.

First off, the category should have been "Favorite Pop-Rock…" because none of the nominees were rock bands. They were pop-rock at best.

Secondly, "Favorite" implies neither best-selling, nor even most popular. It implies the best liked, admittedly by the most people voting, but my favorite movie is Star Wars. That doesn't mean I think Star Wars is the best movie ever–I'm not even sure I consider it the best Star Wars movie–nor do I watch it more than all other movies at this point in my life. It's just a favorite for personal reasons.

Lastly, no one likes Maroon 5.

For anything. Ever.

Even the guy from Maroon 5 tries to work as much without Maroon 5. The guy's like Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20. Hell, they might be the same bands. They're each a random noun followed by a small numeral, with about 4 catchy songs each and way too much airtime.

Who the fuck would vote for Maroon 5 for anything other than "Most Hated Band That's Not Nickelback?"

Clear indication the awards are rigged.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

How Blues Traveler Writes a Song | John Popper is a pretty cool guy

On the brilliant advice of a friend I posted this past week my old college paper likening Blues Traveler's "The Hook" to a Shakespearean sonnet (#55, for reference). I also tweeted it @Blues Traveler since John Popper had expressed an interest in it. My friend thought he might retweet it and get me some page views. It was a smart move.

Well, John actually got back to me with some fascinating thoughts strung out over the course of ten consecutive tweets, which I've decided to dump for you here so everyone else can get a little insight into how a BT song comes together.

[Note: I've adjusted for tweet separation and spelling errors, but not grammar or style. That's all Popper, baby.]

Wow... I did not know a lot of that!... Intuition led a lot of my feel for respecting & rejecting traditional form intermittently but my desecration of Pachebel was my first aim.

Actually the song was built on the premise of my older brother mentioning that I use too many words in a verse... So my aim was to do the first two verses "normal" & cram way too many into the "3rd" verse (which became the break down).

But the subdivision of rhyme scan into rhyme within a "rhyme" while not perhaps Shakespear's brand of gin, is a practice as old as the hills... Especially with lymrics or iembic scans...actually rap does it alot... But I'd wager most devises have been effected by the Bard... & certainly his ability to take what had come before & innovate is a trademark of every innovater I aspire to...Bob Marley didn't do alot of the "reggae" things we now associate with a genre we give him credit for inventing. Likewise Hendrix broke many of his own rules of the new guitar style he himself was establishing... I expect no less from arguably the greatest master of the english language ever.. But I was really impressed with that report & must now track down sonnet #55... Thanx for that... ;)

For the record, that is two winky faces John Popper has tweeted me.

Your move, Everyone Else Trying to Feel Cool.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Shakespeare? Sonnets? Nah, Man. Blues Traveler.

One of the greatest birthday presents I'm giving to myself today (hint hint) is the right to completely brag about Blues Traveler @ing me on Twitter a couple days ago.

A friend of mine commented that his favorite song was "Run Around." I responded that back in college I had actually written a 5-page paper citing the similarities between Blues Traveler's "The Hook" and Shakespearean sonnets in iambic pentameter with a little ABBA Petrarchan bent at the end. And I got an A on it. That friend asked if I was kidding or being serious. I informed him this actually happened, and honestly thought that was it for the discussion.

And it was, for a week or so. Then Blues Traveler tweeted back at me, saying it was an honor. Baller. So, on the advice of my oldest friend on this joyous occasion, I present the most relevant portions of said college paper:




When I first sought a song written in the form of a sonnet, I began with my favorite music and songs that had recently caught my ear. Sadly, it turned out that all of my preferred music was based on syncopated, unrhymed lyrics.

After three days of analyzing everything I could, I threw in the towel on my way to class and queued up some just generally fun music for my own enjoyment–a playlist where every song is based off of the chord progression from Pachelbel’s Canon in D.

Three steps out the door I was struck by the musical equivalent of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 55: “Hook,” by Blues Traveler. By form, it is comprised almost entirely of sonnets; by rhyme, it covers multiple sonnet forms; by theme it is Shakespearean. This is why John Popper sings. “The hook will bring you back.”

The English Sonnet is often referred to as the Shakespearean sonnet, not just because Shakespeare became the most famous poet to utilize the form, but also in that, while earlier English poets had mostly translated and built off Italian originals, Shakespeare was truly innovative in his use of the sonnet, breaking traditions and striving to surpass them.

Of the several rhyme schemes used in English Sonnets, Shakespeare favored the format of three quatrains, rhyming a-b-a-b, c-d-c-d, and  e-f-e-f, followed by a rhyming couplet, g-g. This is the exact pattern by which “Hook” opens. Taken in blocks, the first verse-and-chorus and the second verse-and-chorus are rhymed in this very precise manner.

However, as any drunken undergrad in front of a beer pong table, angrily shouting for someone to put on Four can tell you, “Hook” is most memorable for it’s ludicrously fast second half. While this section does not fit into the form of a Shakespearean sonnet, taking the time to space out the lines by rhyme and rhythm reveals something both fascinating and amusing to the educated listener:

Just as the sonnet has multiple rhyme schemes, so does “Hook.” Throughout what I will call the 'breakdown' in “Hook,” one finds the major sonnet rhyme schemes of a-b-a-b, a-b-b-a, and even a-a-a-a, as well as multiple couplets:
Suck it in suck it in suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin
                to see
What you're doing to me
This MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee
of love. Sure but also rage and hate
and pain and fear of self.
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I tried, well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide
but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide
and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities
                                 to the ground
I've found I will not mess around
Unless I play, then hey
I will go on all day. Hear what I say.
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was.
When I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck
because the hook brings you back…
Why would Blues Traveler make such a break from the Shakespearean sonnet form? For this, one must examine the lyrical and thematic content of both “Hook” and Sonnet 55.

Shakespeare’s Sonnets, as stated, were made famous not just because he himself became famous, but because they were vastly more innovative than what what had come before. Originally, English Sonnets were merely translations of Italian Sonnets, expressly the Petrarchan Sonnets. 'Original' English works up until Shakespeare's time followed along with the major goal of the Renaissance, that is, to mirror Classical works.

In light of this, early English sonnets were flowery and full of classical imagery, likening lovers unto famous figures and generally producing the 17th Century equivalent of that which is currently read by nineteen year olds in itchy sweaters and horn-rimmed glasses, as they strum sadly on their guitars in Starbuckses across the country.

What Shakespeare did with the sonnet I can only describe as “ballsy,” taking the form as-is while professing his own works and subjects to build off classical models and actually surpass them. In Sonnet 55 Shakespeare describes “the gilded monuments of princes,” marble, statues and edifices as being great, yes, but bound to the death and decay of time. Invoking the classical figure, Shakespeare claims even Mars’ sword and the fires of war will not destroy this sonnet. As Shakespeare says, his lover shall live eternally in the poem, and the poem itself shall last until the very end of time at Judgement Day. To reject the accepted model for an art is one matter, but to openly use it to compare itself poorly with your own work is a powerful statement, and it takes great talent to defend.

This is in fact the message in “Hook.” As Popper sings in the opening stanza:
It doesn’t matter what I say,
so long as I speak with inflection
That makes you feel I’ll convey,
some inner truth or vast reflection.
Yet I've said nothing so far,
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes.
And it don't matter who you are,
If I’m doing my job then it’s your resolve that breaks,
(Because the hook brings you back.)
The verse comprises the first two stanzas of the opening 'sonnet,' while the subsequent chorus completes a couplet. These lines expressly state that it is the job of the singer (John Popper) to say something, but what that something is doesn’t particularly matter as it is the hook of a song–the catchy, repetitive musical bit–that will draw listeners back in.

Furthering their rejection of musical tradition, Blues Traveler invokes in the second “sonnet” the literary opposite of “Hook,” and of course say they are doing exactly that. “To confuse the issue,” they say, “I’ll refer/to familiar heroes of long ago/No matter how much Peter loved her/what made the pan refuse to grow.” Again, the band expressly states that the summoning of beloved heroes is merely a tactic by which to obscure the superfluous nature of everything beyond “the hook.”

Interestingly, this line drives directly into the second verse, which completes the second “sonnet” of the song. Yet by this reading the sentence reads “What made the Pan refuse to grow was that the hook brings you back.” Not a question, but rather a declaration. Pan could face the personification of growing old and cynical, Hook, but he could not admit these realities implied by the notion of the hook itself.

Running into the “breakdown” section, Blues Traveler cements its position against the music of convention. Popper demands the listener, everyone from Rin Tin Tin and Anne Boleyn, ingest the song and understand it, to see what empty copies of the same song over and over do to a truly creative person, the singer and the artist.

The singer condemns MTV and political correctness, willing to sing of love so long as he can sing of “rage and hate and pain and fear of self” as well, the entire human condition. The singer says he has tried to keep silent, but that he no longer can, and though it might be his financial ruin as a popular musician, he must refuse to play “catchy little tunes” and hollow “hip three-minute ditties.”

Popper laments that he may in fact be kidding, and that his tirade was at worst a rant, and at best a prayer to the tastes of his audience. Ultimately, when Popper is “feeling stuck and need[s] a buck” it’s not luck that he turns to but the hook, implying that while Blues Traveler might be better than mere utilizers of the hook and convention, they still depend on these features for the foundations of their livelihood.


Many mornings, I wake up with a song stuck in my head. Usually it’s something I recently listened to, but sometimes not. Often I wake up with “Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in...” in the back of my head, likely because the firsts few sounds I heard while waking fit that quick repetitive pattern. That’s catchy. That's a hook.

I like “Hook” because of the rhyme scheme. I like it because of the enjambment–now that I know the word for it–in the breakdown–and I like the anti-pop mentality, but I wake up singing songs like this because of the hook.

By rhyme, theme, and form “Hook” is the 20th Century descendant of Shakespeare’s more self-touting sonnets, namely Sonnet 55. Matching modern lyrics for bounce and innovation, perhaps this explains the morning where half asleep I find myself reciting “To be, or not to be” over and over in the shower. Shakespeare has his own hooks.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Demand On-Demand | Instant Gratification Culture Has Ruined Me

I have a stack of books in my "To Read" pile, and another dozen of so out on the book shelf that I just never got around to, to say nothing at all of those books I acquired and donated to charity without ever so much as reading a chapter.

Throughout the year I also have about three or four television programs at any given time, which I follow as they air. During lulls I may also watch another show's past seasons on Netflix, where I keep a modest queue of maybe 15 titles either to stream for the above reasons, or because I'd like to have them available on my account when I'm at a friend's house and they don't have a copy of, say, Good Will Hunting. (This has never once happened.)

I read about nine or ten ongoing monthly comic books, plus three or four manga titles on a more sporadic basis.

I have to restrain myself from the urge to download an artist's entire discography when I discover I like a single song over a club's stack of speakers. Because it's out there. It's there to be had. Barring a desire to not break (alright, irreparably shatter into infinitesimal pieces) copyright law, I could have all these things instantly.

And yet my nightstand is still a tiny cupboard filled with books, on which a shelf has been fashioned out of more books. I still have shelves covering all remaining wall space filled with books I've yet to really read, a hard drive filled with comics not yet read, and queues to keep me busy for weeks, were I to make their un-queueing my day job.

And I'm still thinking of getting a DVR so that I can see my live shows whenever I want, because this "waiting eight days for online availability" things is bullshit.

No wonder I can't sit down to read a book for an hour. I have too many screens to watch and not enough eyes for the job.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

On Thought Contiguity

"Contiguity of thought" is a process by which we remember certain things, one of several processes, actually, but the one I'd like to focus on for a moment.

Most people are familiar with "continuity." It's continuous. One after the other. 17 follows 16. A, then B, then C perhaps.

Contiguity isn't so much linear as next to. Apartment 17 is next to apartment 19. And you remember it because it has that green door jam that looks Christmas-y next to apartment 21's red welcome mat.

"Because it's next to that other thing" is rather sadly how I remember a lot of details, actually.

For example, today at work I heard "Groove Thing" on the radio, so I thought of where I typically here "Groove Thing," which would be one particular dance number in An Extremely Goofy Movie.

Suddenly I'm thinking about A Goofy Movie, disco, Goofy's second wife the librarian, P.J. becoming a beatnik, "Whatever happened to Roxanne?" and marveling that Goofy had the life experience to know to bribe the bouncer and DJ to get his request played in a club immediately. Suddenly I'm thinking of how to better my life through experience and confidence.

And I'm also humming a Powerline song, but that's beside the point, almost.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Adventure Time!

Happy Sunday! I've been wanting to do this ever since I came across "Adventure Time with Fiona and Cake," and thought I kind of like it better than "Adventure Time with Finn and Jake."

Monday, September 12, 2011

Happiness is a Warm Puppy…

We have a little note pad at work with this image on it. It's very cute. People forget that originally Snoopy was just a "neighborhood dog" and all the kids could claim partial ownership.

People also forget Lucy could be anything other than a stone-cold bitch.

Sometimes they even forget about the comic "Love Is…."

Apparently Charles Schulz at least always forgets about the Beatles song "Happiness is a Warm Gun," and the horrifying connotations it caries when applied to Peanuts characters.

This, for example, I found in two Googles.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

You're 16, You're Beautiful, and You're Mine

… "Said Ed Gein to the trundled up streetwalker."

… "Not in 16 states, she's not. Perv."

… "Says who? Women aren't property, buddy! What kind of fucked up Pleasentville 1950s military-industrial complex white misogynist bullshit are you into, asshole?"



You're a creepy, creepy guy, Johnny Burnette, and I'd wish you'd stop being creepy at least once every 4 hours over the speakers at my job. You're more awkward than the Beatles song where the purpose of love precludes non-binary sexual identity.

Plus, you're totally not helping the tween paranormal romance fans not stare at pale older dudes.