On Furries

I asked a furry today what her fox tail was made of.

Don't ask me why I was talking to a furry. That's not the point.

No, you don't need to know. It's no one you know, alright? Not some sordid thing a mutual acquaintance hides from the light of day. I swear we've known at least one person you walked around in high school with a faux tail clipped to their belt loop, so this certainly isn't some great thing you need to focus on, it was just some furry girl and that's not important.

Jesus, yes, a her, alright? I was talking to a person, yes, on the internet, who happens to be a low-grade furry. Come on, this is not that big a deal, let's be mature about this.

No, I was not hitting on furry girls. I don't cruise the AOL Instant Message chatrooms looking for vulnerable 16 year old Arkansans who got really into anime last year. There's an internet. Let's just accept that on it you will meet some really interesting people and some of them will be really gross and some of them will be really boring and sometimes you just meet someone interesting enough for a good story, and let's leave it at that, okay?

Anyway, it turned out her tail was real fox, which I think is pretty fucked up, like killing your own spirit animal, or something.

I mean, think about it, we keep lists of the only human beings to go around wearing human skin. We write books about them. Movies are made and remade to scare us. Students get their doctorates for studying these lunatics. What kind of psychotic furry goes around wearing real dead animals?

Maybe it's revenge-motivated, like the guy who goes vegetarian because a carrot killed his father.

Tangent: go watch "Some Like It Hot." Great movie.

Maybe that one fox did something really really bad to her. Maybe he cheated on her with Minerva Mink. I wouldn't be surprised, that chick was pure sex down at the Warner Bros. lot, back in Burbank. I'm sure the furries were lining up around the corner to get at a piece of that between takes on the Animaniacs set.

Oh, don't look at me like that, I know damn well you only watched Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers for Gadget and her little purple jumpsuit. And don't think I've forgotten about Roxanne and "A Goofy Movie."

You ain't got a leg to stand on here, pal. Just remember that.

On Glee

Here's my overview of FOX's "hit show" Glee:

• It's about a high school choral group of unreasonably attractive ragtag players.
• It is half musical, half "the making of" for that music.
• Drama can only surround singing or the functionality of the group. Legitimately dramatic, life-altering events must be glossed over or resolved within a single episode. Maybe two.
• Rachel Barry is a tremendous prima donna, raised the Jewish-American princess of a Broadway-happy gay couple. She has zero depth of character.
• Kurt is the only openly gay kid at his high school, therefor his only scenes are about him being gay. All his songs are traditionally for female leads, except the one time he questioned his sexuality and sang John Mellancamp. He and Rachel are basically the same character, except Kurt cares about hurting others and being likable. Were they to fight to the death, Rachel would rip his throat out.
• RThe only mature characters are Puck the badass and Quinn, the girl who got knocked up in season 1. The rest are as reasonably stupid and self-centered as children should be, but so are the adults.
• Season 1 was about babies. Season 2 is about … actually, no one has figured that out yet.
• If they have not ruined your favorite song yet, either they'll get to it or you're lucky enough to like speed metal.

Here's the thing, though: Lea Michele is pretty sexy. Her character is a frumpy frigid priss I'd like to strangle with a Miss Congeniality sash, but the 24 year old actress is pretty decently attractive, especially considering we're both Jewish and as such have a habit of putting down our own attractive women.

See? Super Jewish-cute. It's the Sephardi.

In fact, a few nights back I had a rather provocative dream with Lea Michele coming onto me, which is weird because I rarely have dreams that awesome and also because I don't dream about celebrities. (Of course, two days later I dreamt of Kevin Corrigan's eyes exploding because the South Pacific tranny in a yellow sundress and one shoe he was photographing at my grandmother's house tore a teddy bear, the resulting eye-goo littering the yard and driveway being something my brain decided was "Corpus Christi" like "corpus collosum" but actually it's a city in Texas.)

ANYWAY, my personal, self-hating Jewish opinion of Lea Michele was somewhat quickly overpowered by a celebrity in a schoolgirl outfit trying to mack with me, and the only thing I can tell you is Lea Michele's neck-nuzzling boob-area has the exact same texture as a blanket draped haphazardly over your sleeping face.

This is why I can't have nice dreams.

On Insomniatic Nielsen Ratings

Based on my 24-hour T.V. watching schedule I've uncovered several facts of life that must go by and large unnoticed by the population.

• Poor white trash people watch "their stories" about fake people who can't act
  
• Middle class people watch "programs" about wealthy "reality" personae who also can't act
• Based on daytime talk and shows like Cheaters or Cops, middle class people also watch reality shows about poor people who can't act
• Rich people only watch shows they appear on
  
• White people love T.V. shows about white people making food from places we conquered
• Black people like anything with purple lights and bumping bass. Also, Smart Guy and Moesha
  
• Actually, everybody likes Smart Guy and Moesha
• But for some reason nobody likes The Steve Harvey Show
• Chinese and Korean kids hate Japanese cartoons
• Japanese kids laugh because they know they're going to write shows that are animated in Chinese/Korean forced labor art studios
• Law & Order will not end until Sam Waterson dies on camera
  
• Any line in Seinfeld can be read by any other character and still make sense
• Joss Whedon will never have another successful show
• Seth McFarlane can get away with anything unless he gets arrested on drug and assault charges in the near future
• The Simpsons ended in 2002 and if anyone disagrees you should plug your fingers in your ears and shout LALALALALALALALA as loud as you can.
• If you're in a place in your life where you routinely stay awake through multiple hours of PAID PROGRAMMING informercials, you've fallen into the demographic of people who just may purchase their products.
  
• Japanese game shows are the scariest physical trials you can imagine