Who Guards the Lifeguards?

A coworker said her sister had to go to lifeguard training. A question coalesced then in my mind:

Is there a lifeguard on duty needed during lifeguard training?

Now, it seems like, if there are people in the pool, there must be a lifeguard. However, if there were ever a group of individuals exempt from a lifeguard, it would be other lifeguards and lifeguards being trained.

Still, they're not lifeguards yet, so perhaps they do, at least legally, require a lifeguard. Does that include the lifeguard training lifeguards, I wonder? Might that teaching lifeguard serve to guard the lives of those who would themselves guard lives? Certainly if one were to improperly attempt guarding life, it could result in peril that may in itself require life saving action. Is this then an at-risk group? Like unsupervised toddlers and the elderly?

If they are utilized, then, is guarding future lifeguards a punishment for ne'er-do-well lifeguards? Those guards who slacked off of their guarding whilst continuing life? I would imagine it would lie somewhere between aquarobics and free-swim on the scale of "Why Do I Have To Be Here?"

And at what point do you receive your nose zinc and license to roll all sleeves up into tank tops? Is that part of the mortarboard and tassel thing, or is their a seminar for that as well?

"Yeah, baby, you know you want this."

On Uncanny Resemblance

The following persons have come into my store in the year since I've worked there:

Egon Spengler, married to an aging Miss Congeniality:

Character actor and the dick boyfriend Jack from Rookie of the Year, Bruce Altman:

Jerry Stiller, Ben Stiller's dad:

Michael Moronna, a.k.a "Big Pete," except as a baby:

I have counted up to 4 different Tim Robbinses.

Tall Don Knotts:

 Commissioner Gordon (animated series version)"

Nite Owl II, Dan Dreiberg:

Saul from Battlestar Galactica: 

And as of last night, Latino Michael J. Fox, Michél Hay. Zorro:

I can't believe Michael J. Fox has never been photographed
wearing a sombrero.

 That's right, "Zorro" meant "The Fox." Your mind is blown. Now to double that: Latino Michael J. Fox's real name was also Michael. Boom. Now have a cigarette, roll over, and fall asleep.

Of Paradoxes

This past Friday a bunch of my friends went out, ending the night at Lou's, our local 24-hour deli. Personally, I ordered a breakfast sandwich better suited to my phenotype as a form of slow-acting euthanasia than a hot meal, a bacon-egg-and-cheese with hash browns and ketchup on a roll.

Typically I would partner such a sandwich with a tall iced tea and some kind of snack cake. On this particular evening I found a small piece of carrot cake I'd liked a month or so back, but my usual tea brands were either unappealing or not present. In a decision of questionable logic I selected a tallboy of Drank extreme relaxation beverage.

Holy mother of God, I have never been such a believer in a product living up to its advertising claims since I got hungover from trying 5-Hour Energy on an empty stomach before beer and reheated pizza. Granted, I'd been awake for fifteen hours, did manual labor for six and a half of those, then bowled so hard I ended up hurting both my knees and one side of my ass and just consumed a giant hot meal, but by the time I finished off that two-serving can of Drank I was feeling mellow.

Everything felt slowed down. I felt calmer, more fulfilled and taciturn. My voice felt deeper and for some reason I kept thinking off celebrities like Louie Armstrong and Charlie Murphy and Forrest Whitaker.


But it occurs to me: what would happen if you drank a Red Bull along with a Drank?

I am reminded of The Adventures of Pete and Pete episode "Grounded for Life," in which Little Pete is grounded for the whole Summer after scorching his father's perfect lawn. Why did he do this?

He wanted to see what would happen if you left a humidifier running next to a dehumidifier.



So what would happen if you drank a Red Bull along with a Drank? I'm not entirely sure. Probably nothing. I'm not really in the mood to try, but based on the additive method of mixing colors, I'd assume mixing the yellow and purple drinks would make you pee brown for three days.

Either that or your kidneys are just shutting down.