Monday, May 17, 2010

Of Paradoxes

This past Friday a bunch of my friends went out, ending the night at Lou's, our local 24-hour deli. Personally, I ordered a breakfast sandwich better suited to my phenotype as a form of slow-acting euthanasia than a hot meal, a bacon-egg-and-cheese with hash browns and ketchup on a roll.

Typically I would partner such a sandwich with a tall iced tea and some kind of snack cake. On this particular evening I found a small piece of carrot cake I'd liked a month or so back, but my usual tea brands were either unappealing or not present. In a decision of questionable logic I selected a tallboy of Drank extreme relaxation beverage.

Holy mother of God, I have never been such a believer in a product living up to its advertising claims since I got hungover from trying 5-Hour Energy on an empty stomach before beer and reheated pizza. Granted, I'd been awake for fifteen hours, did manual labor for six and a half of those, then bowled so hard I ended up hurting both my knees and one side of my ass and just consumed a giant hot meal, but by the time I finished off that two-serving can of Drank I was feeling mellow.

Everything felt slowed down. I felt calmer, more fulfilled and taciturn. My voice felt deeper and for some reason I kept thinking off celebrities like Louie Armstrong and Charlie Murphy and Forrest Whitaker.

But it occurs to me: what would happen if you drank a Red Bull along with a Drank?

I am reminded of The Adventures of Pete and Pete episode "Grounded for Life," in which Little Pete is grounded for the whole Summer after scorching his father's perfect lawn. Why did he do this?

He wanted to see what would happen if you left a humidifier running next to a dehumidifier.

So what would happen if you drank a Red Bull along with a Drank? I'm not entirely sure. Probably nothing. I'm not really in the mood to try, but based on the additive method of mixing colors, I'd assume mixing the yellow and purple drinks would make you pee brown for three days.

Either that or your kidneys are just shutting down.

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