The Goatee - Secrets

• The goatee is the universal sign for evil. The trickster god Pan was typically depicted as sporting a goatee, so when Pan's likeness was ported to Christianity as a representation of Satan, the whiskers acquired a more sinister air. Later, Leonard Nemoy cemented this transition with Mirror Spock (though in novels Mirror Spock later turned things around, kind of). To this day, children without prior conception fear goatees out of sheer cultural memory.

• When combined with a mustache, it becomes a Vandyke, so long as the two remain unconnected. Luckily for all Jewish boys, this connective tissue doesn't actually grow in until about the age of 21.

• It is surprisingly difficult to rock the goatee before 30. Remember the early '90s? Didn't most handsome leading men in Hollywood look like utter scumbags? Yeah, it's rough. Even Ethan Hawke looked pretty crumby. Even Robert Downey Jr. in the late '80s. Now, though? Depp, Downey, even the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" in "Breaking Bad." Old guys can nail it. It's a beard of experience.

• The internet will always tell you you look like Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, speaking of, "Look-Alike" apps will be broken forever. Put a Mirror-Spock on a picture of a moose and it'll come back 40% to your face.

• No one else will think it's cool but you. (And every other guy who wears one.)

Game of Thrones Spoilers from Someone Who Has Never Watched or Seen Game of Thrones

"So I smacked the grubby little priss I'm Tyrion Effing Lannister.

1. Right before he is to be beheaded, Eddard Stark passes on his secrets of metallurgy to his son, Robb. Robb sires Arno Stark, great-grandfather to the eleventh of Antonio, father of Howard, who begat Iron Man/Robert Downey, Jr.

2. Dire Wolves never manage to learn how to catch a Frisbee.

3. Eventually, something will break down the wall and come through. I imagine it will be rather large.

4. There will be a lot of sexing.

5. It will be revealed in the final chapters that all the characters have been clockwork mechanisms as hinted at in the opening credits. In a further twist, the entire world's history has been a massive holographic simulation at the behest of Peter Dinklage, before he must make an address to the Interstellar Consortium of Sentients. George R.R. Martin is heralded as the new Prince of hard science fiction.

6. Eventually, someone finally cuts their butt sitting on that pointy chair.

On Height

I read a study a day or so ago, claiming that people in a position of power become legitimately convinced that they are taller than they really are, at least relative to a metal rod as viewed without direct reference. Basically, people told they were important guessed the pole was the same height as they were or at least underestimated the discrepancy between the two. Less empowered individuals were much more accurate.

It reminds me of a few months back when I got into an argument with a friend of mine resulting in the surprising revelation that I am a full inch taller than I thought I was.

Just yesterday I read that Robert Downey Jr supposedly is wearing 3" inserts in his shoes for Iron Man 3 so he'd look taller than his actual 5'8".

So, basically, Officer SPF-1000 there is about an inch
taller than me, Jenni there is 2" shorter, and the one in
the middle is the mummified corpse of 14 year old
boy-prince Tutankhamen.

And just now I've read that I am supposedly taller than every female on "Jersey Shore" and Ronnie.

The point, I guess, is I need to get me a professional tailor because I thought all of these rejects were like a solid 6'.

Conan O'Brien is still some kind of mutant giant, though.