Man of Steel | A Half-Hearted Defence

Alright, it's been long enough. I think we can discuss this without upsetting anybody who planned on seeing the new Superman movie. As an added precaution, *Spoiler-Free* nerd beef with Man of Steel first:

In a flashback, little Clark wore a red towel like a cape and ran around with a dog. Without Superman in this universe since 1938, WHO THE HELL WAS HE PLAYING? Captain Marvel? A fictional superhero? Is this Watchmen, and superheroes were never popular comic tropes replaced by pirates? I know Superman wasn't the first superhero. Batman alone predated his publication by a full year. But if the child-wearing-a-cape-superhero trope every existed, it existed because of Superman. End of story.


Now: *SPOILERY BITS*

Squinting because he's looking into a Lens Flare.

Superman gets his powers from a combination of Earth's yellow sun and gravity, and–more oddly–its atmosphere.

Apparently the yellow light powers him up a bit, but it's the gravity that makes him proportionately stronger and faster: Krypton is far more massive than Earth, so despite being the same approximate size as humans, Kryptonians are more rugged, denser, more resilient creatures. Fine.

Flight is also apparently possible, I imagine along the same mechanics as a mastery of one's bioelectrical field in conjunction with stated weaker gravity. Fine.

But the atmosphere is somehow important?

As a baby, Clark apparently had trouble breathing. But he adapted and is fine now. Bring him back into a Kryptonian environment and he hypoventilates, vomits blood, and then passes out. Not good. Cellular breakdown from toxins in the atmosphere, I guess. Alright, plausible. Same thing happens to Zod/other Kryptonians on Earth. Okay, at least that's internally consistent. Zod even adapts quicker than Kal-El, and even makes a point to note that as a bred soldier, he'd be able to. Thanks for the exposition, I agree.

But then once Supes is adapted enough to be conscious and not blood-spitting on the alien spacecraft, he still has no powers. None. No resiliency.

What? So that yellow sunlight is basically working on his cells, which are the least efficient solar batteries ever. They store now energy. His mitochondria must not exist, replaced by some alien organelle. By this logic, Superman is powerless without direct sunlight. He's a plant. And a lousy one at that. He should go into a coma every night. Or what if Kyrptonians simply have extra mitochondria that work only in the presence of direct solar stimulation? At least then he could move, but he'd still be powerless at night, just like his (Kevin-Conroy voiced!) Venture Brothers parody.


Oh yeah, and Superman has no issue with bystander casualties. Don't harp about that or killing Zod. He had to to save innocents, after so many were killed already. Superman used to kill recklessly back in the day. This horrible invasion, as the producers rightly said, explain easily why from now on Superman would refuse to kill and work tirelessly to save every single life.




Short version:

Man of Steel is a poor rendition of Superman, and the pacing makes it a pretty crumby origin story, actually.

However it's a fun as hell super-brawler, and that's all anyone should ever expect from Zack Snyder for any reason.

Also, Jor-El and Zod pretty much acknowledge that the surpersuit is the Kryptonian equivalent of longjohns. Everybody has them under normal clothes and even armor. So even without the red underpants, Supes is still sporting his jockeys on the outside.

The Dark Knight Rises | SPOILER FREE Easter Eggs!

Who the hell nails a cup to the side of a building??

*The following contain no spoilers whatsoever.*

• First and foremost: NO POST-CREDITS SCENE. Nolan don't play that game. You get a Bat insignia made out of something at the start, and a simple title card at the end. So, relax. Head out and hit the bathroom with confidence.

• Listen for a police officer's joke about a "giant alligator" in the sewers.

• Holly Robinson gets a couple scenes. And yes, she does appear to be rather young and of questionable character. And yes, she appears to also have some sort of off-putingly close, Saphic relationship in one of those scenes.

That's really about it. I can recall laughing a single "Ha!" a couple times at certain bits, but–frankly–they're all kind of centered around plot elements. Overall review: excellent. A three act play, as with the others, with multiple perspectives meeting at the head, same as the others. Unlike other failed trilogies, this one has a sense of being "closed." I won't say 'ending,' but the story we've had these past few years feels wrapped up without ending the whole universe–I'm looking at you Matrix Revolutions.


Oh, and actually, Alfred died in the jungle hunting that bandit he mentioned in Batman Begins and this has all been his last fevered dream. At the end Leonardo DiCaprio walks out and says, "That was fucked."

THE END

7 Spoiler-Free Spider-Man Easter Eggs for Nerds

Normally a *SPOILER* warning would go here. If anything here is a spoiler to you, you're a terrible nerd, and likely haven't seen any trailers of previous Spider-Man films/comics/T.V. series.

"Maaan…I hate missing the F-Train."

1. Yes Stan Lee gets a cameo. No to Bruce Campbell, though. Sadface.

2. Lizard in a coat. As promised, there is a slight nod to the comics, in which The Lizard frequently wore some tight little Hulk pants and his lab coat. It's short, as expected, but it's there.

3. Spider-Man's shoes. While they don't attempt to scientifically explain the spider-power that is sticking to pretty much any surface this time around, fans have been miffed for years about not getting even a casual explanation for Peter Parker's ability to stick to walls through his shoes. However, if you look closely in Amazing Spider-Man, he wears modified steel-reinforced boots, and I'm pretty sure I saw some little grippies on them. I'm not saying they could keep a normal man upright, but maybe it's enough to compensate for socks and shoes on a spider-being.

4. The ridiculous action pose. Also as promised, there is one shot of Spider-Man that is spot-on to the comics and some of the character's more … limber maneuvers. It's unobtrusive, yet noticeable.

5. Andrew Garfield is an awkward spider. Garfield actually studied spiders' movements to accentuate his own for the roll of Peter Parker. And not just for superheroics. Peter starts so awkward as to boarder on "I'm not going to pick on that kid because he might bring a gun to school," but after his transformation he acts nearly autistic; avoiding eye contact, greater trouble expressing his thoughts verbally, odd ticks and repetitive motions. At parts, it feels almost as if Spidey is the channel through which Peter circumvents the social aspects of Asperger's in order to engage society and individuals around him, which–incidentally–is a phenomenal take on the character. Peter is supposed to be a smart mouth, but never in his personal life, only in costume. That was one thing Tobey McGuire got right.

Oh, and this isn't really an Easter egg, but there's one scene, you'll recognize it immediately, where Emma Stone goes toe-to-toe with Awkward Peter and they awkward it up together awkwardly. Seriously, the scene was chewy with awkward. When it was over I felt full. Like I could wrap up the leftover awkwardness and bring it home in a doggy bag to save for lunch tomorrow.

6. Yes, there is a mid-credits scene. Stay for it.

7. No, there is no second post-credits scene. Joss Whedon really burned you forever with that one, didn't he?


And one more fun little tidbit?

I heard through a reliable source (read: "a nerd I know") that a Sony Pictures executive has openly stated to being open to the possibility to leasing the rights to Spider-Man to Marvel Pictures for use in an Avengers sequel. Since this movie is going to make several bajillion dollars, I see no reason this could not potentially work out if all parties are open to it. Andrew is the right age to still be the young guy on the team and, this is just my speculation, if they'd lease out Web Head, there's no reason Sony wouldn't also lease out X-Men property characters, the only one they give any care for being Wolverine. I'm sure Hugh Jackman would be more than enthused at slicing up Manhattan.

Game of Thrones Spoilers from Someone Who Has Never Watched or Seen Game of Thrones

"So I smacked the grubby little priss I'm Tyrion Effing Lannister.

1. Right before he is to be beheaded, Eddard Stark passes on his secrets of metallurgy to his son, Robb. Robb sires Arno Stark, great-grandfather to the eleventh of Antonio, father of Howard, who begat Iron Man/Robert Downey, Jr.

2. Dire Wolves never manage to learn how to catch a Frisbee.

3. Eventually, something will break down the wall and come through. I imagine it will be rather large.

4. There will be a lot of sexing.

5. It will be revealed in the final chapters that all the characters have been clockwork mechanisms as hinted at in the opening credits. In a further twist, the entire world's history has been a massive holographic simulation at the behest of Peter Dinklage, before he must make an address to the Interstellar Consortium of Sentients. George R.R. Martin is heralded as the new Prince of hard science fiction.

6. Eventually, someone finally cuts their butt sitting on that pointy chair.

The Avengers: All the Non-Spoilers You Need to Watch For

*Disclaimer: The following are non-spoilers*

What follows will contain no references to events or plot development, only subtle gags and blink-and-you-miss-it throw-aways. If you don't even want those, bugger off.

Okay, first off, what everyone always needs to know: Yes, you need to sit through the credits. 

All the credits. There's– there's no easy way to say this. Joss Whedon must have awoken from a dead sleep sweating and panting with his own brilliance, because he did two. Well, sort of. One and a half. Look, just sit in your seat until the lights come up, okay?


Now then, let's move forward. Other items to watch for:

• Stan Lee: Yes, he's there. Yes, speaking; one line. Late in the movie.

• Thor Easter eggs: Yes, a few of them come up.

• Coulson: Adorable.

• Joss Whedon Dialogue: Amazing.

• A certain tower.

•  Grand Central Terminal. Related: a quiet moment therein.

• "Puny God."

• Schwarma.

Listen, I pretty much went into this deciding that no movie on Earth could possibly live up to all the hype surrounding it. I also preemptively decided this movie did.

I wasn't wrong.