Famous Literature As Carnival Rides

My friend Carolyn just told me that she went on an amusement park ride called "Moby Dick." To my surprise, it was a kind of roller coaster which went side-to-side and up-and-down fairly constantly, such that you very quickly become acclimated to the movements. This is wrong.

• The Moby-Dick - The little train that drives in a circle, slow but persistent, as death itself, taking forever to finish but never really getting anywhere or showing you anything. The man beside you is yelling angrily the entire time.

• The Catcher in the Rye - The broken spin-car ride all the teenagers congregate and drink under. Later, one of them coincidentally tries to murder John Lennon.

Surprisingly, one centrifuge is all you need to
keep a carnival goldfish alive for more than a week.

• The Jungle - That tilt-o-whirl placed immediately next to a hot dog cart.

• The War and Peace - The one with the longest line.

• The Lolita - The cute pink merry-go-round with a creepy old guy always watching it.

• The Great Gatsby - Trick. Actually the carnival barker in brightly colored pants. 

• The Brave New World - The first rider you were tall enough to go on alone.

• The Awakening - That wave pool somebody drowns in each year.

• The Great Expectations - The coaster that looks amazing but then is just awful and disappointing.

• The Jane Austen - Kissing booth. Obviously.

• The Chuck Palahniuk - The mind-eraser.

• The Mary Shelley's Frankentein -  The last wooden roller coaster that appears to be coming apart at the seams.

• The Heart of Darkness - Tracking down that one friend who wandered off.

• The Twilight - The broken-down haunted house missing half its mannequins.

• The Fifty Shades Trilogy - The log flume, because it gets all the ladies wet.

Yeah, that's how we're ending it, tonight. On a classy note.

"Stand Up to Your Fear" (Also Modesty) on the Green Lantern Coaster at 6 Flags

A few friends of mine recently tried out the new "Green Lantern: Stand Up to Your Fear" stand-up coaster at 6 Flags amusement park. Reviews were … mixed. Perhaps I should explain.

About a year ago I went with another group of friends to the same 6 Flags and we all had a great time, except for one ride I was talked into going on as an "experience." Basically, "Rolling Thunder" is designed poorly. The safety features only work if you are over 5'10" and have at least a 38" waist. Otherwise, you get thrown side to side, front to back, and up and down within your seat, which requires that you have scoliosis and a 40" inseam. If you don't, well, you tend to land directly on your reproductive organs in between getting punched in the digestive tract.

Which raises the issue with Green Lantern: guys tend to hate it. Or at least they act like it's not-so-great, which for a roller coaster is probably worse then Rolling Thunder levels of 'so awful you need to try it.' Stand Up to Your Fear? It's a stand-up coaster with a platform (to stand on, duh) and an over-the-shoulders harness.

Also, to keep your legs from dangling, there's essentially one of these between them:

That would be a wooden torture horse. Traditionally, one is made to sit upon it, possibly weighted. Ironically, it was mostly used on women. I say "ironically" because on the Green Lantern coast, men would find this most discomforting as the device is for "safety" and not torture. Really, it just digs up into your balls a little bit and transfers ever twist and turn and horrible vibration directly into your indelicately cradled scrotum.

But apparently the ladies love it, so, there you go.