Famous Literature As Carnival Rides

My friend Carolyn just told me that she went on an amusement park ride called "Moby Dick." To my surprise, it was a kind of roller coaster which went side-to-side and up-and-down fairly constantly, such that you very quickly become acclimated to the movements. This is wrong.

• The Moby-Dick - The little train that drives in a circle, slow but persistent, as death itself, taking forever to finish but never really getting anywhere or showing you anything. The man beside you is yelling angrily the entire time.

• The Catcher in the Rye - The broken spin-car ride all the teenagers congregate and drink under. Later, one of them coincidentally tries to murder John Lennon.

Surprisingly, one centrifuge is all you need to
keep a carnival goldfish alive for more than a week.

• The Jungle - That tilt-o-whirl placed immediately next to a hot dog cart.

• The War and Peace - The one with the longest line.

• The Lolita - The cute pink merry-go-round with a creepy old guy always watching it.

• The Great Gatsby - Trick. Actually the carnival barker in brightly colored pants. 

• The Brave New World - The first rider you were tall enough to go on alone.

• The Awakening - That wave pool somebody drowns in each year.

• The Great Expectations - The coaster that looks amazing but then is just awful and disappointing.

• The Jane Austen - Kissing booth. Obviously.

• The Chuck Palahniuk - The mind-eraser.

• The Mary Shelley's Frankentein -  The last wooden roller coaster that appears to be coming apart at the seams.

• The Heart of Darkness - Tracking down that one friend who wandered off.

• The Twilight - The broken-down haunted house missing half its mannequins.

• The Fifty Shades Trilogy - The log flume, because it gets all the ladies wet.

Yeah, that's how we're ending it, tonight. On a classy note.