Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Famous Literature As Carnival Rides

My friend Carolyn just told me that she went on an amusement park ride called "Moby Dick." To my surprise, it was a kind of roller coaster which went side-to-side and up-and-down fairly constantly, such that you very quickly become acclimated to the movements. This is wrong.
  • The Moby-Dick - The little train that drives in a circle, slow but persistent, as death itself, taking forever to finish but never really getting anywhere or showing you anything. The man beside you is yelling angrily the entire time.
  • The Catcher in the Rye - The broken spin-car ride all the teenagers congregate and drink under. Later, one of them coincidentally tries to murder John Lennon.
Surprisingly, one centrifuge is all you need to
keep a carnival goldfish alive for more than a week.
  • The Jungle - That tilt-o-whirl placed immediately next to a hot dog cart.
  • The War and Peace - The one with the longest line.
  • The Lolita - The cute pink merry-go-round with a creepy old guy always watching it.
  • The Great Gatsby - Trick. Actually the carnival barker in brightly colored pants. 
  • The Brave New World - The first rider you were tall enough to go on alone.
  • The Awakening - That wave pool somebody drowns in each year.
  • The Great Expectations - The coaster that looks amazing but then is just awful and disappointing.
  • The Jane Austen - Kissing booth. Obviously.
  • The Chuck Palahniuk - The mind-eraser.
  • The Mary Shelley's Frankentein -  The last wooden roller coaster that appears to be coming apart at the seams.
  • The Heart of Darkness - Tracking down that one friend who wandered off.
  • The Twilight - The broken-down haunted house missing half its mannequins.
  • The Fifty Shades Trilogy - The log flume, because it gets all the ladies wet.

Yeah, that's how we're ending it, tonight. On a classy note.

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