Requirements For My Perfect Girlfriend | An Exercise of Choice in Begging

• Owns her own leather jacket

• Has had and likes cats

• Dislikes small dogs

• Shorter than me & weighs less

• Knows how to smile for photos but does not pose the same way ever time

• Does not wear large hoop earrings

• Eats meat, loves bacon

• Is not allergic to basic food components or most berries/fruit

• Has a preference either way in Star Wars v. Star Trek that does not involve Chris Pine

• Keeps her finger nails short

• Prefers that we keep separate bookshelves

• Her favorite author is dead—possibly by suicide—and is either a woman, a Russian, or a raunchy Englishman. She hates Jane Austen.

• Believes gay marriage is none of her goddam business and refuses to discuss it with company, but still votes for expanding civil rights

• Will actually smell/taste/watch and then laugh when I hand her a mysterious substance/expired milk/weird Internet porn

• Has a thin upper lip but round bottom (lip)

• Does not smoke

• Thinks babies are weird, possibly gross.



Image originally from Jeph Jacques

International Restaurant and Foodservice Show NY | Day 3

"Baconry" is "Bacon + Bakery" according to these promotional materials. I call it a delicious abomination. Like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

Chocolate peanut butter bacon cookies? A little burned, actually. But the prospect of "chocolate bacon bacon"?




It's chocolate-covered bacon covered in bacon. Yes, the end must be near. Tell Gozer and Vince Clortho they work dark miracles in that ominous refrigerator of theirs.

On Canada: A Prelude

Greetings, loyal follower(s)!

I have decided that this week I will be syndicating my awesome, lengthy discussion on Canada, because Canada is like your awesome little brother who's actually pretty cool but you don't want your friends to know you enjoy hanging out with him.

To start off and lead you gently into the sea of "Canada is lame" jokes ahead, I will now present my preliminary report on why Canada is lame.


You know when Canadian Independence Day is?

Me neither. Pretty sure no one else does.

In point of fact, Canada didn't really have a revolution. They didn't even get upset. Canada gained independence from England in 1927 because they asked.

They asked nicely.

And obviously the rest of Britain said, "Uh, yeah, I guess that's alright. I mean, you're Canada. We can trust you." It's like when the A-student asks permission to go camping at her roommate's brother's cabin out in the woods over the holiday weekend at that condemned camp next to the abandoned but fully stocked beer distributor.

It sounds iffy, but hey, she's earned your trust through years of good behavior.

Canada asked to be equal in the British Commonwealth. Technically? Yeah, Canada's still affiliated with England. The idea is that no laws can touch Canada unless Canada agrees to them, but they're probably cool with it.

Robin Williams said Canada was like a loft appartment over a really great party. I can kind of agree. My only real problem with Canada is the weirdest thing: in Canada "Canadian bacon" isn't actually popular. If it's available you have to call it "back bacon." Lame. I'm not putting peameal bacon on my McMuffin. No thank you.


If you've enjoyed parts of this rant and/or Canada in general, go out and download "O Canada" by Five Iron Frenzy. Good stuff.