Thursday, April 4, 2013

Requirements For My Perfect Girlfriend | An Exercise of Choice in Begging

• Owns her own leather jacket

• Has had and likes cats

• Dislikes small dogs

• Shorter than me & weighs less

• Knows how to smile for photos but does not pose the same way ever time

• Does not wear large hoop earrings

• Eats meat, loves bacon

• Is not allergic to basic food components or most berries/fruit

• Has a preference either way in Star Wars v. Star Trek that does not involve Chris Pine

• Keeps her finger nails short

• Prefers that we keep separate bookshelves

• Her favorite author is dead—possibly by suicide—and is either a woman, a Russian, or a raunchy Englishman. She hates Jane Austen.

• Believes gay marriage is none of her goddam business and refuses to discuss it with company, but still votes for expanding civil rights

• Will actually smell/taste/watch and then laugh when I hand her a mysterious substance/expired milk/weird Internet porn

• Has a thin upper lip but round bottom (lip)

• Does not smoke

• Thinks babies are weird, possibly gross.

Image originally from Jeph Jacques


  1. You forgot to mention that she has to accept your beard for what it is, a work of art. So many women are anti facial hair.

  2. Actually not necessarily a deal breaker. I've always said I'd shave for the right girl. That being said, next year my mustache can go unaccompanied into a PG13 movie.


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