Requirements For My Perfect Girlfriend | An Exercise of Choice in Begging

• Owns her own leather jacket

• Has had and likes cats

• Dislikes small dogs

• Shorter than me & weighs less

• Knows how to smile for photos but does not pose the same way ever time

• Does not wear large hoop earrings

• Eats meat, loves bacon

• Is not allergic to basic food components or most berries/fruit

• Has a preference either way in Star Wars v. Star Trek that does not involve Chris Pine

• Keeps her finger nails short

• Prefers that we keep separate bookshelves

• Her favorite author is dead—possibly by suicide—and is either a woman, a Russian, or a raunchy Englishman. She hates Jane Austen.

• Believes gay marriage is none of her goddam business and refuses to discuss it with company, but still votes for expanding civil rights

• Will actually smell/taste/watch and then laugh when I hand her a mysterious substance/expired milk/weird Internet porn

• Has a thin upper lip but round bottom (lip)

• Does not smoke

• Thinks babies are weird, possibly gross.



Image originally from Jeph Jacques

Genetic Makeup of the Perfect Italian Take-Out Place

1. One Grandpa, approx. 109 years old.

Stands behind counter, does not seem to do much but talk. Is a living recipe guide, with a woodon spoon attached for "instruction" purposes.








2. One Working-Class Guido, approx. 35 years.

 Takes orders at the counter, shouts orders, seems to have the financial stake in the business, so is more invested than the rest.

15 will get you 20.

3. One Jailbait, approx. 15 years old.

Answers phones, takes orders. Is perpetually in training, as this is a rotating position quickly vacated when Grandpa becomes overtly "handsy" after one too many long and leering ogling sessions.

Basically, yes, be Jesse Eisenberg.

4. One Pizza-Faced Delivery Boy, skinny, pale, approx 17.

Used for home orders, yelling at, and also leering at the Jailbait in a pathetic, white-knightly sort of way. Worth throwing to the wolves if shit goes down.

A complete dramatization. In the kitchen, they will be skinny,
though just as courteous.

5. Four to six Mexicans in the kitchen.

Depending on your location, substitute Ecuadorians, El Salvadorians, Cubans, or even Puerto Ricans, though the general rule will be to hold to Mexico, Central and South America, and Hispañola and the other Latin Islands. Beware of Brazilian knock-offs.