A Dear Jane Letter to My Bedding

I think I need a vacation.

Like a real, different city, in a hotel vacation.

It's not that I'm tired of work, I like my job. And I'm not feeling monotone, I actually enjoy routine. I have fun penciled in pretty regularly with plenty of wiggle room.

No, I want a vacation because I was had the flu about a week ago and I'm still pretty knocked out. And, unfortunately, my bed and I have grown a little too close.

With the amount of time we've spent together, you'd expect one of us to be the penetrative partner in this relationship. Vegas weddings take less time. My body groove and pillow are out of shape. Worst: I resent my bed. I've lived in it for so long it qualifies under the homestead act.

I just need a break. Not forever, just … just some time apart, to try different sleeping arrangements and get readjusted, back to how I used to feel at night. I don't think it would be that long, I probably won't even do it, I just need the idea of having that freedom.

Then I can come back. I'd be doing this for us.

Will you wait for me?

Moving Supplies | What Do You Need to Furnish Your New Apartment?

Remember: It's not "dumpster diving"
if it wasn't technically in the dumpster.

Let's consider this an advanced class.

If you're anything like me, your parents have been buying you "presents" for years encouraging you to get the hell out of their living space. Stainless steel cookware, Chef Tony Miracle Blades, your own spice racks. Alright, your parents are probably nothing like mine. But I've got the basics down, so let's talk about making your new place swank instead of a crash pad.


Artwork

First off, you're going to want some pop art for your hallway and possibly living room. Prints are preferable, but movie posters are acceptable if more than 20 years old, vintage, and/or signed. Everything must be framed. This is not up for discussion.

Large photography may also adorn the living room itself. Try to avoid architectural landmarks, especially within your own city. This is the yuppie equivalent of going to see a band wearing that band's t-shirt. Don't be that guy.

Linens

You want to be classy, but not ludicrously baller. Spring for much higher thread count in your cotton sheets than you would otherwise. Your skin, and preferably someone else's, will thank you for it. Jersey sheets should be worn like gym clothes: not when you're expecting company.

Likewise, stay away from the red satin sheets. Black works just fine, and can be played off as a joke. Plus, they're really, really cool in the summertime, which will save you on A/C. An any-occasion alternative can also be found in bamboo bedding. Bamboo fiber is sweat-wicking, cool to the touch, and highly breathable. You may find yourself needing a blanket in the middle of the night.

Furniture

Bed: Full size or larger goes without saying.

Couch/Chairs: Sets will be tightly packed, bean bags are unacceptable unless they are Sumo sized. Cheap alternative: Ikea. Cheaper alternative: scope out your new neighbors. Odds are somebody has a chair or two that doesn't fit in their new pad. Snatch it off the street before the weather or hipsters take it and you just leveled up your living space.

Kitchen

You're already going to have a stove, sink, fridge, and microwave. Improve upon this with a toaster over for class, individual pizza stones for healthier snack foods, and as stated above, a quality set of knives with a solid cutting board. Throw in a sizable wok and at least two glasses of each of the following:

Red wine
White wine
Champagne flutes
Highball
Tumbler

Miscellany

Lastly, always remember to remove sex toys, drug paraphernalia, embarrassing photos, and any other incriminating evidence from your parents' home in the move. It'll be a lot less embarrassing for Cliff the rough-and-tumble, seen-it-all laborer to find a box of bongs, black dildos, and pictures of your ex than your mom cleaning out your closet.

Just label that box "Tax Forms" or something.