Things I'm Looking Forward to About Moving

Actually, "My Friends Haul For Beer and Burgers" might be more accurate.

• All the cardboard boxes I'll get to play with.

• A furniture configuration that may actually look like a bedroom.

• A functional bedroom door once again.

• A bedroom that doesn't look like it belongs to a basement-dwelling neckbeard. (I shaved my neckbeard years ago. It's time for the katana to come down off the wall.)

• Having a furnished basement in which to computer chair joust.

•  Living above my means, thereby forcing myself to seek higher means and meaning it.

• Not living in Connecticut. 

• Possibly having enough closet space for my multitude of costumes, uniforms, fancy hats,and assorted mannequin parts.

• Having enough dresser real estate for all my little movie boxes and speakers and such.

• Having a place I would not feel embarrassed about bringing dates, assuming that I had dates and that I will end up in a place in which I am not also embarrassed to reside.

• Mostly, it's the cardboard boxes, though.

On the Measure of Nostalgia

One of the best ways to determine how much some old piece of your childhood means to you is to consider whether you would be willing to box it up, carry it down two flights of stares, squeeze it into your car, carry it up three more flights of stares, and shove it into the back of a new closet.

If the answer is "No," trash the doohickey or see if you can donate it to charity for a tax write-off.

Tax Write-Offs: the presents you give to yourself ever April after forgetting about them all year.

Moving Supplies | What Do You Need to Furnish Your New Apartment?

Remember: It's not "dumpster diving"
if it wasn't technically in the dumpster.

Let's consider this an advanced class.

If you're anything like me, your parents have been buying you "presents" for years encouraging you to get the hell out of their living space. Stainless steel cookware, Chef Tony Miracle Blades, your own spice racks. Alright, your parents are probably nothing like mine. But I've got the basics down, so let's talk about making your new place swank instead of a crash pad.


Artwork

First off, you're going to want some pop art for your hallway and possibly living room. Prints are preferable, but movie posters are acceptable if more than 20 years old, vintage, and/or signed. Everything must be framed. This is not up for discussion.

Large photography may also adorn the living room itself. Try to avoid architectural landmarks, especially within your own city. This is the yuppie equivalent of going to see a band wearing that band's t-shirt. Don't be that guy.

Linens

You want to be classy, but not ludicrously baller. Spring for much higher thread count in your cotton sheets than you would otherwise. Your skin, and preferably someone else's, will thank you for it. Jersey sheets should be worn like gym clothes: not when you're expecting company.

Likewise, stay away from the red satin sheets. Black works just fine, and can be played off as a joke. Plus, they're really, really cool in the summertime, which will save you on A/C. An any-occasion alternative can also be found in bamboo bedding. Bamboo fiber is sweat-wicking, cool to the touch, and highly breathable. You may find yourself needing a blanket in the middle of the night.

Furniture

Bed: Full size or larger goes without saying.

Couch/Chairs: Sets will be tightly packed, bean bags are unacceptable unless they are Sumo sized. Cheap alternative: Ikea. Cheaper alternative: scope out your new neighbors. Odds are somebody has a chair or two that doesn't fit in their new pad. Snatch it off the street before the weather or hipsters take it and you just leveled up your living space.

Kitchen

You're already going to have a stove, sink, fridge, and microwave. Improve upon this with a toaster over for class, individual pizza stones for healthier snack foods, and as stated above, a quality set of knives with a solid cutting board. Throw in a sizable wok and at least two glasses of each of the following:

Red wine
White wine
Champagne flutes
Highball
Tumbler

Miscellany

Lastly, always remember to remove sex toys, drug paraphernalia, embarrassing photos, and any other incriminating evidence from your parents' home in the move. It'll be a lot less embarrassing for Cliff the rough-and-tumble, seen-it-all laborer to find a box of bongs, black dildos, and pictures of your ex than your mom cleaning out your closet.

Just label that box "Tax Forms" or something.

Reasons To Move Out of Your Mother's House

Reasons To Move Out of Your Mother's House:

• She has already placed a non-functional exercise machine in your room under the assumption you weren't coming back from college.
• You have failed to convince her that trading you for the master bedroom would be more convenient since your room has a hotplate.
• You've realized the only reason you leave all your stuff lying around is because you can't throw away stupid things like other people's clothes or baby pictures.
• You are tired of dealing with people who are awake in the daylight and don't want to cook at 1 a.m. every night.
  
• You have run out of places to add more bookshelves.
• You've got wonderful pop art for the walls but someone prefers to look at Georgia O'Keeffe's vagina-flowers all day.