An Open Letter to Heroes

Dear Heroes,


I know we don't appreciate you enough, but this time of year, I feel compelled to, if only due to my great experience as one of you.

Black Friday was hell, but we all know it's only going to be a slight dip between now and Valentine's Day. Fellow Retail Workers, it's not your fault. You didn't ask for this burden, I know, but you took the responsibility in return for only minimal salary and the right to bitch about any customer as soon as they are out of earshot.

It's already Holiday Season now, which will lead straight into the Holiday Return Period, and then maybe we'll have a modest few weeks before Valentine's. After that we can relax a little before Mother's Day and Father's Day start up, but right now we're in fiscal hell quarter.

I wish you all luck, my sisters and brothers.

May your sleep schedules remain modest, and may your friends not call panicked and wondering if you've legitimately been killed or otherwise detained from life.

Ever since his sobriety and the cancellation of JACKASS,
Steve-O has been searching for something to fill the hole in his life.
It turns out that thing was vests.

An Open Letter to Nikki Minaj, From Her Cardiologist

I'm pretty sure they made Nikki Minaj out of whatever was left
from building Katy Perry's California Gurls set.

Ms. Minaj,


This is to confirm the results of the blood work and chem panels ordered at your last visit on 23 March. We agree to disclose these test results herein at your request in light of your hectic travel schedule.

All lab results came back nominal, with no significant aberrations or abnormalities to be concerned with. Cholesterol is slightly elevated, but well within normal ranges for age, sex, and race. Glucose levels are good, blood pressure normal.

We would like to schedule an appointment at your earliest convenience for follow-up testing to determine that cause of your recently reported episodes. Though it does not seem likely and your blood work is not troubling in any way, based solely on your oral description we would like to rule out the possibility of a mild tachycardic arrhythmia.

Such a condition would require only mild medication and could most likely be managed with simple diet and steady exercise. Again, we stress that your previous check-ups and history are not strongly indicative of this possibility.

In the meantime we suggest a mild diet, balanced sugar intake, and a slight reduction in salt consumption. Perhaps, switch to dating scrawny white men for the time being and report if episodes decrease in frequency.


Regards,

Dr. Jigga Mogol

An Open Letter to Sluts

This look should typically be reserved for
a Coca-Cola commercial.

Dear Sluts,


There are a lot of things I could say to you. Why do you do the things you do? Why are you finding it so necessary to debase yourselves? Why not with me, specifically? These are irrelevant. Today, I wish to only address one concern with you.

Sluts, take heed:

If I can see your butt cheeks, you aren't wearing pants.

Those are underwear.

Thank you. I hope we've cleared up that misunderstanding.


Casually and with great vigor,

David Zucker



P.S. - This is mostly directed at Fat Sluts, Ugly Sluts, and Preteen Training Sluts. We don't need your brands of awkwardness around these parts. Annoyingly Attractive Sluts, we're cool. Just remember that we still know you're sluts.

A Dear Jane Letter to My Bedding

I think I need a vacation.

Like a real, different city, in a hotel vacation.

It's not that I'm tired of work, I like my job. And I'm not feeling monotone, I actually enjoy routine. I have fun penciled in pretty regularly with plenty of wiggle room.

No, I want a vacation because I was had the flu about a week ago and I'm still pretty knocked out. And, unfortunately, my bed and I have grown a little too close.

With the amount of time we've spent together, you'd expect one of us to be the penetrative partner in this relationship. Vegas weddings take less time. My body groove and pillow are out of shape. Worst: I resent my bed. I've lived in it for so long it qualifies under the homestead act.

I just need a break. Not forever, just … just some time apart, to try different sleeping arrangements and get readjusted, back to how I used to feel at night. I don't think it would be that long, I probably won't even do it, I just need the idea of having that freedom.

Then I can come back. I'd be doing this for us.

Will you wait for me?