Breaking News! 4 - The End

If you hated these, you'll be happy to know they're over after today. If you loved them, I'm sure I can write more and post them for another three weeks.

Jan 11, 2010:


Been A Bad Boy This Year: Christmas Bubble Bursts As C. Cringle Charged 483,000 Counts of Credit Fraud


Hot Alien Babes Dressed In Princess Leia Bikinis Only Probe Nerdy Virgins, Know No One Will Believe The Stories


War Against Sentient Cows Undermined By Dairy Bootleggers' Product "I Can't Believe It's Butter!"

Prince Namor Reveals Secrets of Atlantean Clean Energy: Thermal Vents, Whale Blubber

Obama Makes Midnight Sandwich, Use of White Bread Enrages Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Peacocks Petition Government to Legally Change Name


Area Man Attempts to Calculate Volume

Breaking News! 3

Dec. 10, 2009:


No Means Yes? Tickle Me Elmo Introduces Safe Word


Trenton Man Watches Every Episode of Law & Order, Even Trial By Jury; Easily Passes N.J. Bar Exam

Thanksgiving Turkey's Diary Discovered In Attic, Tells Tale of Woe

ITT Tech Dean Offers CS Degree to Anyone who Can Set Up New Wireless Printer

Local Reporter (White, 35, Balding) Inserts Personal Ads Into Headlines, Seeks Large-Breasted Black Supermodel With Lycra Fetish Age 18-21

Liberal West Coast Ivy League School Teaches Racism, Redneckery Just to Piss Off Fox News
Rape Victim Wanted It, Says Aging, Haggard, Overweight Cop

Internet Bully Compared to Hitler In Real Life. Cries, Writes Scathing Blog "What I Should Have Said"

Jim Perdue Visits Psychic, Confronted By Ghosts of One Trillion Dead Chickens

Breaking News! 2

Nov. 23, 2009:


Stephen Hawking Amused for Hours By New Computer's Text-to-Speech Function


Tyra Banks Sees Self In Mirror, Starts Catfight

Local Teen's Sock Sues for Paternity

Starlet's Vapid Babble Causes Reporter's Head to, Like, LITERALLY Explode

Film Series About Gay Vampires Who Hate Adoption Weeds Out Bad Taste In Literature Through Natural Selection

Charlie Brown Adults Begin Debating Climate Shift, End As Smooth Jazz Combo

Sigmund Feud Released from Cryogenic Tube, Inexplicably Thinks of Sperm

AT&T Bans iPhone Sexting App, Plans to Reintegrate Later At Cost

Infertility Among Sex Workers Blamed On Low Stress Levels
"They just don't seem to bring their work home with them like the rest of us."

Hipster Rock Trio Gains Success, Immediately Disbands


Starbucks Invents New Holiday "Mochashanah" to Supplement Existing Seasonal Drink Specials

Hundreds of Ex-Lesbians Claim "Saved" by Close, Personal Relationship with Rosie O'Donnell

Movie Movie Released by One of the Guys Who Knew A Roommate of That Guy From That First Movie About Other Movie Movies, Grosses $600M Opening Weekend

Cobra Commander, Terror Drome Found to Have Gas Leak "Sssuddenly Ssserpentor ssshouted, sssmelling sssomething sssinister! Ssso we sssauntered to the Sssee-Dee-Sssee. Sssure as ssshooting, sssulphur dioxide…. Just glad we caught that in time, y'know? Turns out that stuff can have long-term speech effects."



New Pussycat Dolls Album Drops, Does Not Land On Feet