Let's All Make Some Poor Decisions

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BREAKING: Chocolate Will Still Make You Fat, Fatty

I usually try to get my news from the BBC, or at least "The Daily Show." I figure that way everything's in perspective, admittedly left-leaning, but admittedly left-leaning. For the most, this is noted and an honest effort is made to report facts without opinion, until such time as opinion is obviously the topic at hand.

However, I am a bit saddened to see even the BBC report, as happens every few months, that chocolate is actually good for you. Moreover, that it "may" help "you" lose weight.

Thankfully, they do point out that correlation proves nothing of causation, simply that people who ate chocolate more frequently were typically slimmer than people who ate chocolate only occasionally, even while compensating for BMI and caloric intake.

1. Of course, this is kind of burying the lead when you substitute a new lead implying directly that the correlation may yield a direct linear causation, i.e. "Chocolate 'may help keep people slim.'" Great job.

And secondly,

2. Of course people who eat chocolate more often are on average slimmer than people who eat chocolate less often. We're skinny assholes.

BMI and caloric intake have nothing at all to do with how quickly your body can process those calories, other than to give you an estimation as a result, not an impetus. I can eat gobs of cocoa because I have a fast metabolism, thus I stay slimmer and determine that I can safely enjoy chocolate more frequently without running the risk of putting on weight.

Someone with a slower metabolism, but with an equal BMI and caloric intake to mine¹ will have to monitor what they eat rigidly to achieve the same results, and therefor not be able to enjoy such a delicious treat as often, lest they go completely elephant seal and loathe themselves into a tear-soaked pillow slumber.

Chocolate doesn't make you thinner. Being thinner lets you eat more chocolate. Now feel free to hate me while I finish off the last 4 servings of that Slice'n'Share one-pound Snickers bar I didn't share with anybody. (Amazing review here.)



¹Alright, impossible, since having a faster metabolism requires me to consume more calories to match your BMI, or conversely you to consume fewer to match mine.

How Skinny People Can Take Over the World

Noticing the type of people who seem to frequent the local Taco Bell, I'm starting to think those of us possessing speedy metabolisms should just go ahead and take control of society. Honestly, it was kind of like every person who walked into that place after me had just given up. On, like, everything.

I don't think it would be too hard. Really, we just need a little bit of a head start. I mean physically. If we try running as we go I don't think many of us would be caught. We can outrun rascal scooters, right? Seriously, it wouldn't even be hard. We might even be doing it right now and I just haven't gotten my invitation to the 3000 Calorie A Day Club. I suppose I might after today.

Here's my plan: we just keep selling unhealthy food. Not for a profit, not for status our our own health. No, we do it to make the fatties fatter. I figure eventually the incidence of heart attacks will skyrocket and anyone with glandular disorders and impulsivity issues will just be bred out of the gene pool.

Shouldn't take more than another 80 years, unless those health assholes save some chubsters along with us gorgeous, exomorphic types.