I Give Up

Walking through the grocery store I saw Easter candy out.

Fine. It's the next logical holiday. I mean, yes, it was Valentine's Day, they coud have left out some red crap for the last-minute screw-ups or us "I want discount chocolates on the 15th" people, but fine. Fat Tuesday passed, Ash Wednesday passed, now V-Day is over and the next sugar-crash is going to be Easter, so let's roll out the goddam eggs. Fine.

Oh fuck you.



I can't even tell if this is way too early or just super-old. Those cardboard boxes look like they're in awfully good shape for being around five-plus months….


Done. Whatever. Game over, man. I'm out.

See you all in the fat-ass Wall-E future.

Christianity Makes 3 Point Conversion, Turns Jew's Heart

It occurred to my yesterday that Jesus must have been the son of God.

He's the only person to ever overcome the deadly T-virus and resist zombification by sheer force of will.

Here's a shortlist of other characters capable of such a feet:

• Hal Jordan
• Batman
• Alice Abernathy from Resident Evil
• Son-Goku, Dragon Ball Z

 And in Jesus' defense, Hal's both gone insane and was resurrected not of his own power, Batman has both been mind controlled and was only clinically 'dead' for a few seconds at a time, Alice was a genetic anomaly/mutation who never actually died, and Goku had to be wished back from the dead with magic alien dragon testicles. So, you know, Go Team Jesus.


And if that wasn't offensive enough for you, I hope you had a wonderful Easter! That glorious day celebrating the time Son-Jesus was wished back from the dead by Saint Krilin and Pico-Peter after he died and descended to Hell to fight the red and blue trolls/free the patriarchs, and then trained under King Kai to master the spirit bomb or something.

Anyway, I hope you're full of candy.

Happy Easter, Gentiles!

The Best Things About Easter:

• Chocolate
• Bunny rabbits
• Chocolate bunny rabbits
• Time-and-a-half
• Something about Jesus 

 Have a very merry, Christians. Now just stay out of my way when I head to the grocery store for discount candy tomorrow. I don't want to have to crucify another of you.

BREAKING: Chocolate Will Still Make You Fat, Fatty

I usually try to get my news from the BBC, or at least "The Daily Show." I figure that way everything's in perspective, admittedly left-leaning, but admittedly left-leaning. For the most, this is noted and an honest effort is made to report facts without opinion, until such time as opinion is obviously the topic at hand.

However, I am a bit saddened to see even the BBC report, as happens every few months, that chocolate is actually good for you. Moreover, that it "may" help "you" lose weight.

Thankfully, they do point out that correlation proves nothing of causation, simply that people who ate chocolate more frequently were typically slimmer than people who ate chocolate only occasionally, even while compensating for BMI and caloric intake.

1. Of course, this is kind of burying the lead when you substitute a new lead implying directly that the correlation may yield a direct linear causation, i.e. "Chocolate 'may help keep people slim.'" Great job.

And secondly,

2. Of course people who eat chocolate more often are on average slimmer than people who eat chocolate less often. We're skinny assholes.

BMI and caloric intake have nothing at all to do with how quickly your body can process those calories, other than to give you an estimation as a result, not an impetus. I can eat gobs of cocoa because I have a fast metabolism, thus I stay slimmer and determine that I can safely enjoy chocolate more frequently without running the risk of putting on weight.

Someone with a slower metabolism, but with an equal BMI and caloric intake to mine¹ will have to monitor what they eat rigidly to achieve the same results, and therefor not be able to enjoy such a delicious treat as often, lest they go completely elephant seal and loathe themselves into a tear-soaked pillow slumber.

Chocolate doesn't make you thinner. Being thinner lets you eat more chocolate. Now feel free to hate me while I finish off the last 4 servings of that Slice'n'Share one-pound Snickers bar I didn't share with anybody. (Amazing review here.)



¹Alright, impossible, since having a faster metabolism requires me to consume more calories to match your BMI, or conversely you to consume fewer to match mine.

Happy All Hallows Day!

They're not Deathly, but they're all dead, certainly.

Welcome to one of the happiest days of the year, kiddies. Happy because today I get to go out and buy like four solid bags of Snickers and Milky Way bars for a dollar.

Oh, and I didn't have to sit outside in the cold last night, what with working for money and all. Granted, I didn't get to wear a costume, but here's the gist of it, minus the appropriate white shirt, tan khakis and fedora-wearing co-host who might at any minute spontaneously combust.

Good times.

On Mash-Ups

I'm not sure what my subconscious has been trying to tell me recently, but I think it's got something to do with combining two great things into an even better thing.

A few days ago I dreamt up an episode of The Venture Bros which was basically Brock Sampson being awoken from a cryogenic sleep after being infected by an Alien facehugger and having gestating ova in his gullet. Great show, great movie, insanely badass to watch, especially since I was dreaming in the more recent animation styles from the bigger budget episodes.

Before that? I dreamed of an SNL mash-up of Andy Samberg's new The Lonely Island song, "I Just Had Sex," featuring Akon and that really cool instrumental piece written for the movie The Social Network. Great funny song with a legitimately good beat, good, critically acclaimed movie, awesome juxtaposition. That kid from Zombieland was rocking out to Akon, I can tell you that much.

Guys, I'm not sure … but I think I'm destined to do something important very, very soon.

I think I'm supposed to go back in time and invent the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Free Candy: A Belated Comic Con Tale

"What's a diorama?" "I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kid-
OW!…I BENT MY WOOKIE!!"

No, I didn't have to do some stuff for a guy in the back of his windowless van, but yes, I did get free candy at New York Comic Con a couple weekends back. It should really come as no surprise to you that I did this by being a complete nerd.

There was an event listed as "Best Japanese Game Show," though, much to the crowd's dismay, not a single man-crotch was wounded by large, swinging apparati. The teams were simple: a group of cosplayers (costume nerds) from the NY Anime Fest on the lower levels, a delegation from the NY Jedi league (Star Wars nerds), a herd of comic comics (comedians/comic book nerds) and a pack of wrestling nerds (actually pudgy Jewish kids who wish they were strong enough to beat up nerds in high school but were only mouthy instead. I'm looking at you, Scott). In order to get the crowd cheering appropriately, one of the assistant hosts threw candy to the audience. I did not get any, which was rather disappointing as I was very hungry.


The game began simply enough with a game called "Sillo-WHAT?!" Silhouettes were projected onto a large screen and the character was to be named. First team to shout "HAI!" ('Yes' in Japanese) won 100 points. This was followed by some nerdy trivia and a couple of physical challenges that didn't make a terrible amount of sense, both in that they were pointless and in that they still refused to involve scrotum trauma.

But then, a shining moment. The scores were closely matched: Comics 600, Wrestlers and Jedi 400, Cosplayers I think maybe 200. That's conservative. The anime kids were just entirely useless and even their physical challenge gear was malfunctioning on them. Basically, unless the next 12 questions were about Pokémon, they were out of the running. The hosts thought it best to spice things up with a 500 point bonus question.

"Alec Guinness, best known for portraying Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: A New Hope was approached by a fan at [x-event] who told Guinness he had seen A New Hope in theaters 72 times, to which Guinness responded, 'That couldn't have done a lot for your life.'" - I'm paraphrasing somewhat, but that's hat I remember from the time. Where the hell was this guy going? This sounds unreasonably hard, even for a Star Wars nerd of my caliber. And jeeze, I haven't been keeping up with that stuff. Ever since they invented Wookiepedia, I've just sort of let the internet do my nerd trivia for me.

"On the topic of Alec Guinness," the quizmaster continued, "In The Simpsons episode 'Lisa's Rival,' Allison Taylor invites Lisa back to her house where Mr. Taylor plays a word game with Allison. She is expected to form an anagram of a person's name that will be descriptive of that person. What anagram does she come up with for 'ALEC GUINNESS?'"

Oh, Christ. I can't believe I don't remember this. I loved this bit. This was in my heaviest Simpsons period, too. It had the best jokes. The best Star Wars references. If I can't remember this, I don't know if I can live with myse-

Oh, wait. It was "Genuine class."

I muttered under my breath. Carolyn, my friend sitting beside me, said, "What?"

"Genuine class," I repeated. The stage, though, was still silent.

"Anybody?" the announcer asked. "Jedi? No?"

He turned to the audience. "Does anybody know? In the crowd, just raise your hand.


I was already moving my arm up, but obviously not fast enough for Carolyn. As some douchebag in the back began shouting things like, "Giant douche," Carolyn leaped to her feet and began shouting and flailing her arms like a deranged runway coordinator, trying to draw attention to me and my far less spastic arm. Considering that she was jumping up and down in a rainbow wig and tutu with a fishnet bodysuit and pasties, I have no doubt over how exactly I came to be called on.



"Over here?" the announcer looked at me.


"Genuine class," I said.


"What?" he shouted over the din.


"GENUINE CLASS!" I exclaimed, and as I heard a thoroughly shocked "That's right!" come from the stage, the crowd began cheering. The Comics Comics looked impressed, the Jedi nodded in strong, silent approval of one of their own, even the wrestlers stared wide-eyed in amazement while the anime kids dazed off into the corner of the room, dreaming blearily of Ponytas.


Then the crowd around me turned first quiet, then ravenous. The American co-host had grabbed the remaining bag of candy and began flinging it, really heaving Mars Brand confections at the crowd in my general vicinity. I caught a Snickers and a Twix bar, quite welcome to my drooling face, and just for good measure I casually reached up and snagged a fun-size bag of peanut M&Ms before it careened into Carolyn's face.


Honestly, I don't even remember the rest of the game. I think the comics won? But the Jedi were close, I think. Whatever, I had candy.


And I won it by being nerdier than an entire roomful of nerds at a nerd convention.


Man, I'm badass.

On Sno-Caps

According to Dean McGowan:
"Arguably the best candy ever."

"Very arguably," according to Jay.

I must say, the man who invented Sno-Caps must have been a genius.

"Yeah, I can get chocolate chips wet, pour sprinkles on top and sell 'em for three dollars a box. Sure!"

12 Reasons to Have A Valentine That Are Not Romantic

Possible 2010 Valentine Card. It's things like this that keep me from associating with normal people.

1. If I'm hungry for chocolate I don't want the guy at the checkout counter eying me suspiciously.
   
   
2. There are a bunch of romantic comedies I've been meaning to rent but I'd feel weird watching them by myself.
   
   
3. My other friends are too cheap to go out to Applebees as often as I'd like.
   
   
4. When I don't receive any cards this year it'll be because I'm considered "off limits," not "an asshole."
   
   
5. I like making chicken cordon bleu, but it's always been a problem that chicken breasts are frozen in packages of two.
   
   
6. Conversations about how it's a holiday manufactured by greedy, soulless corporations will no longer come off as sounding lonely or spiteful.
   
   
7. If someone were to spend, say, $20 on something I've wanted, that is $20 in my pocket I can use for cool other stuff. Like my motorcycle licensing exam. Or space rocks.
   
   
8. When I receive a pretend cell phone call in the liquor store asking me to pick up a bottle of strawberry-kiwi Arbor Mist instead of Sauvignon Blanc, there could actually be someone on the other end of the phone telling me I do not posses the liver of a thirty-one year old mother and housewife who is trying desperately to recapture her youth in the eighties and appear as though she at any point preferred Def Leopard to old Bee Gees records.
   
   
9. I have had my eye on a sexy nightie in the Victoria's Secret window for three weeks now. Shut up. You know I'd look good.
   
   
10. It gives me something to do on a Sunday night.
    
    
11. I have always wanted to have a skywriter under my employ.
    
    
12. I look good in the color red.