On Sleep and Vacations

Mila Kunis can do whatever she wants to me while I'm asleep.

The older I get, the more I start to think that being an adult just means never feeling like you get enough sleep. By that logic, the most adult guy I ever met was that wacked out Vietnam Vet with the tinfoil hat.

Get a day off from work? Errands. Second day off? Good luck sleeping late when your body's used to getting up earlier the other six days a week. I used to sleep ten hours a night. Yeah, I was officially unemployed and clinically depressed, but the point it I slept until I couldn't anymore.

Now I wake up at 9 a.m. after going to bed at 3 on my one day off. What's your beef, Circadia?

[Fun fact: apparently, "circadian" comes from the Latin "circa diem," or "about (a) day." Neat!]

That's probably why parents always seem so tired. They've made the poor decision to manage other people's lives on top of their own. And now vacations make sense, because adults just want to avoid responsibility and sleep. Except kids ruin that by wanting to do things.

So I'm going ahead and making the call to take my vacation time wisely: without any children, and in my bed, snoozing for a week straight, until I get bored and go out, then sleep again until I have to go back to work. It's frugal, and exactly what normal people try and fail to get on "real" vacations. Don't call it a "staycation," that's just dumb. Don't call it a comeback, either, because that's just factually inaccurate.

Screw this, I'm gonna go "nap" for about 9 hours. You all have fun being "adults."

An Open Petition to Win the Love of Mila Kunis

I seriously just found out Mila Kunis has been single for the better part of a year, following an amicable break-up with creepy former child actor Macaulay Culkin. So. Obviously. It's time to make my play.

Reasons Mila Kunis and I Should Totally Date: A Bulleted List That Is In No Way Horrifying

• We both have heterochromia iridum. Granted, hers is complete brown-green while mine is sectoral brown-darker-brown, but, hey, it's that kind of kooky difference that will keep our relationship fresh and unexpected.

• I loved Friends With Benefits. Next to Justin Timberlake, she was absolutely the cutest thing about that movie.

• We're both Russian Jews, though neither one of us particularly would care. 

• We were both really into "That '70s Show" when we were 14.

I'm tempted to include "And neither one of us finds this list terrifying, pathetic, or even serious," but, frankly, I'm not even convinced. Honestly, I'd be happy with "funny enough I don't get a cease-and-desist letter."

I really need to stop collecting those.