An Open Petition to Win the Love of Mila Kunis

I seriously just found out Mila Kunis has been single for the better part of a year, following an amicable break-up with creepy former child actor Macaulay Culkin. So. Obviously. It's time to make my play.

Reasons Mila Kunis and I Should Totally Date: A Bulleted List That Is In No Way Horrifying

• We both have heterochromia iridum. Granted, hers is complete brown-green while mine is sectoral brown-darker-brown, but, hey, it's that kind of kooky difference that will keep our relationship fresh and unexpected.

• I loved Friends With Benefits. Next to Justin Timberlake, she was absolutely the cutest thing about that movie.

• We're both Russian Jews, though neither one of us particularly would care. 

• We were both really into "That '70s Show" when we were 14.

I'm tempted to include "And neither one of us finds this list terrifying, pathetic, or even serious," but, frankly, I'm not even convinced. Honestly, I'd be happy with "funny enough I don't get a cease-and-desist letter."

I really need to stop collecting those.

Violent Madonna Stalker Escapes By Walking Away

"Violent Madonna Stalker" Robert Dewey Hoskins Hoskins will never be a serial killer, as he has one-too-many names. Also, he just escaped from a mental facility where he was undergoing treatment for his incredibly violent psychotic tendencies, following a ten-year stint in prison for stalking Madonna.

My guess is after seeing her superbowl performance he plans on going home, making a life for himself, and starting an inappropriate obsession over Selena Gomez instead.