On Justin Bieber and Fruit Loops

One day, Canada is going to look back on history and apologize for Justin Bieber.
Just like they did with Bryan Adams.






Fruit Loops taste uncomfortably similar to crunchy cardboard that has been shellacked with citric acid and painted with melted sugar, and though I know this, I could still very happily eat an entire box. Whoever first thought of making tiny, edible Play-Doh donuts was a mad, mad genius.


 

Lady Chaterly's [X]

 

Pussy Riot | Don't Make Me Call Ken Jennings

Melissa McCarthy, Rosario Dawson, and Felica Day.
Get on it, Hollywood.

Roommate: "Until a few years ago, I didn't know Daylight Savings Time was a thing … that we did in America and not elsewhere."

Roommate's Friend: "Yeah. We don't even have it in Russia. They got rid of it. My Nana was telling me."

Me: "Mmn. Which is weird because Russian spans like six time zones. So it's 2 in Siberia and 8 p.m. in Moscow, but it's still 2 p.m."

Room: … [beat of silence]

Roommate's other friend: "…Yeah, but how many people actually live in Siberia?"

Me: "Uh, a few, actually. There's a lot of people still in gulags over there."

Room: …

Me: "Like Pussy Riot."

Roommate: "That's a … band?"

Me: "Yeah. They tried to protest so they got sent to-"

Roommate's Friend #3: "Pussy Riot?"

Me: "Yeah. When Vladimir Putin's presidential term was up, he created the position of Prime Minister which was more important than President, then basically took that job and appointed the new president. Now a term later, he's switching them back, but now Prime Minister is less powerful again. Russians decided to protest, and this political girl band Pussy Riot staged some protests, so they got arrested and sentenced to three years in prison."

Roommate's 4^th Friend: "…You know a lot of things."

Me: "And none of them useful to my daily life."



I kind of wish for creativity's sake that I wrote that, instead of merely transcribing it.

Nerds Have Opinions | Also Whales Are Big

Ewoks. Deal with it.

A friend texted me at 9 a.m. saying that she has finally seen "all three" Star Wars movies (good girl; doesn't count I-III) and asking which was my favorite.

That is a question that cannot be asked without initiating a very long and very opinionated diatribe. There are only four choices, and no response is ever as short as just naming one. These choices are:

A New Hope
Empire
Jedi
and saying any prequel, animated, or made-for-TV Ewok Adventure just to be an ass.

Now, one cannot just respond with one of these answers for two reasons, the primary of which being that Giant Jedi Nerds must always differentiate their favorite installment from the best.

The best Star Wars movie is, objectively speaking, Empire. You can argue it, but you will always end up losing to a nerd who knows more about the Trilogy. Irvin Kershner's directing, the darker tone, the serious mix of both fantasy and sci-fi, Empire is the most balanced of the Star Wars films, and is inextricably linked to both Jedi and A New Hope, as well as the prequels through the revelation of Luke's parentage.

There I go again. ever get a nerd started on absolute qualities.

Your favorite Episode is entirely up to you. Women seem to prefer Jedi for the up-ending, the redemption of Vader, the tempering of Han's cocky badboy attitude, and–yes–the adorable Ewoks. Men frequently side towards the other two, with perhaps a very slight leaning towards Empire for the reasons listed above.

Personally, I like A New Hope. It's the only stand-alone Star Wars movie. It informs the others in the series, it is not informed by them. This is A) the reason George Lucas made this particular piece of the story first, when there was no guarantee he'd have the opportunity to tell the rest of the story, and B) what makes it the only reasonable place to initiate new viewers.

I am inclined to now attempt the Saga cycle in a IV-V-I-II-III-VI sequence since I have the day off, but since I kind of want to still be a little productive today, I may just decide to watch five hours of Doctor Who in between menial tasks.

That in itself being a productive task, so now all the Whos down in Whoville will stop yelling at me to watch their series.

I Was A 20-Something Teen Wolf

"Give me.…A keg.…Of Visine."
"Please."

I think I'm turning into a Teen Wolf.


Hey, some of us go through it a little later in life than others, alright?

And before the one person who watches MTV original scripted programming pipes in, no, I mean the Michael J. Fox Teen Wolf, where a legitimately dweeby, sweaty little dude sucks at everything until PRIMAL, ANIMALISTIC POWER is unleashed by his hormones and he turns into a total d-bag for a semester until he learns to control his shit and matures as a person. Not the version where a tall, skinny, beard-incapable male model with glasses gets mauled by a tall, skinny, sexy-stubbled male model asshole werewolf and turns into the exact same person but who occasionally turns into a werewolf and eats a deer or something.

See, I used to be socially awkward. Not Amazing Spider-Man awkward, but just awkward enough that I would sometimes think being just slightly more awkward could be convenient because it would bump me into the Asperger's range and I'd have an excuse.

But then I grew emotionally. I needed money and I needed to learn how to interact with people, so I took a job where I'd have to do a lot of people-talking. It did pretty well, as a therapy. I knew what I needed, I practiced it, and it helps. Now I can talk to pretty much anybody, at least for a bit, seem nice enough to them, no matter my actual mood, just generally leave a decent impression.

I also try to remain overtly honest so any self-deprication isn't viewed as covering for actual cockiness. I try to agree when people tell me positive things about me, modestly, so that I try to remember they're true things. This … works some of the time? Either I forget and appear to really not believe I'm awesome (usually true), or I agree too readily since it's a habit now, and I come off as cocky (only sometimes true, like 40%.…maybe 45).

The point I'm trying to make is, I'm trying to keep a handle on my douchey-ness and my preternatural manliness, but I'm getting really confused finding long, soft hairs in all my laundry, even the clean stuff. That never used to happen before I started getting girls.

But I don't remember getting that many girls recently, either, so I'm hoping I've just been secretly turning into a Teen Wolf every few weeks and remembering to redress and lock the door behind me when I come home near dawn.

Hopefully I don't eat those two cute deer that live out back.

GI Joes: Reassassination

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is set to come out soon. Again. It was about to come out this past year, but they delayed it by months at the last moment, ostensibly to convert the entire fricking thing to 3D. Early test audiences, though, suggested it might have been because the movie was at that point a huge steaming pile.

Originally, Marlon Wayans and Channing Tatum, protagonists Ripcord and Duke from The Rise of Cobra, were killed in the first 20 minutes of the movie along with 98% of the Joe team, thus instigating the Retaliation part of the movie.

Channing Tatum since became a huge success late this year, after releasing 21 Jump Street (a guys' comedy) and Magic Mike (a chick-flick schlick-fest). In between he also starred in a wildly successful Nicholas Sparks adaptation and the equally unrealistic–yet in this case based-on-truth–The Vow. Unsurprisingly, Tatum is now featured prominently on the new poster and in the new trailer for Retaliation, very much alive, and has reportedly filmed a few "updated" scenes. You know, like a whole new plot.

The funny thing is, this isn't the first time Duke has been saved from the cutting room floor.

In 1987, G.I. Joe: The Movie was released by Hasbro, following the original animated Transformers movie, in which Optimus Prime drove off to that great big parking lot in the sky. Duke, it was decided, was going to bite the big one as well. However, after getting shot and "dying," fans were pretty violently outraged.

So when Duke got shot, the script was quickly rewritten to include dialogue about Duke being "in a coma" and–I shit you not–at the very end of the film, as the Joes defeat the forces of Cobra-La and cheer, a character reporting they have heard through off-camera radio transmission that "Duke's awake!"

"Scarlet, I need you to know … that I've always … loved … Bob's Big Boy."
"And … GO NAVY!…" *Dies*

You know, you think one Lazarus act should be enough to convince a studio not to kill a character, but they had to unkill Duke twice. At least Optimus came back within the same movie this time. Sheesh.

Living the Dream; the Nerdy, Nerdy Dream

Unfortunately, this isn't the dream with Japanese sexbots or
your high school crush in a Princess Leia bikini.

Today I changed my address in the DMV database. It cost me $1.

I then requested a new license with the updated address. This cost $17.50.

I updated my health insurance, but I'm unsure if they spelled the town right, so I have to check up on them. I called my doctor, and they found me within seconds just by name. I called my dentist, but his phone was having issues so I'll call back.

Then I tried to update my bank, so I could change all my billing info everywhere and order new checks, but I can't. I can't access my bank's website. Would you like to know why?

Because Islamic extremist hackers have been attacking my bank's digital landing continuously for the last twenty hours.

Do you understand how awesome that sounds? This isn't about two conflicting ways of life or ideology any more. This is about two groups, divided only by ethnic affiliation but sharing the exact same culture and methods of reprisal, waging digital war because it's a just cause.

Why are they attacking JPMorgan Chase? I haven't the faintest. I imagine Chase is somehow affiliated with another company–possibly Google's YouTube–which in turn is related to the atrocity of film making that is "Innocence of Muslims." Hell, maybe it's just that Chase is a solid figurehead to put atop a tyrannical hierarchy of Western racist colonialism. Whatever the exact cause, it's quite amusing.

This is the kind of thing "we" do to protest corporate lobbying and political chess games designed to stifle individual freedoms and liberties. Also to harass Russian women who murder cats on video. Or underage loudmouths. Or girls who wouldn't sleep with us in high school. Or whoever, really.

But now "Them" are using our own methods. The Other, as Edward Said would say, has proven to be no different from Us, except in his recognition that there is some superficial difference between our heritages. This is the future, cats and kittens, as I'm always so fond of pointing out. Our 'enemy' is exactly like us in every way, except in that we disagree about something important, apparently, and we each think the other has a funny accent.

We're living in a William Gibson cyberpunk story, kids. The Muslim hackers alliance with raid the banking guilds not for profit, but to sew disorder among the ivory towers of the oppressive uppermost class. Alif the Unseen is a bit prescient now, it seems.

Here's hoping next come the Moon base Rastafarians.