Pussy Riot | Don't Make Me Call Ken Jennings

Melissa McCarthy, Rosario Dawson, and Felica Day.
Get on it, Hollywood.

Roommate: "Until a few years ago, I didn't know Daylight Savings Time was a thing … that we did in America and not elsewhere."

Roommate's Friend: "Yeah. We don't even have it in Russia. They got rid of it. My Nana was telling me."

Me: "Mmn. Which is weird because Russian spans like six time zones. So it's 2 in Siberia and 8 p.m. in Moscow, but it's still 2 p.m."

Room: … [beat of silence]

Roommate's other friend: "…Yeah, but how many people actually live in Siberia?"

Me: "Uh, a few, actually. There's a lot of people still in gulags over there."

Room: …

Me: "Like Pussy Riot."

Roommate: "That's a … band?"

Me: "Yeah. They tried to protest so they got sent to-"

Roommate's Friend #3: "Pussy Riot?"

Me: "Yeah. When Vladimir Putin's presidential term was up, he created the position of Prime Minister which was more important than President, then basically took that job and appointed the new president. Now a term later, he's switching them back, but now Prime Minister is less powerful again. Russians decided to protest, and this political girl band Pussy Riot staged some protests, so they got arrested and sentenced to three years in prison."

Roommate's 4^th Friend: "…You know a lot of things."

Me: "And none of them useful to my daily life."



I kind of wish for creativity's sake that I wrote that, instead of merely transcribing it.

Letters to People I Met Today

Dear Guy Looking for Machiavelli,

Was that really for your daughter's assigned reading? That's kind of crazy. If you had been looking for "The Prince" instead of "Machiavelli," I'd almost think you meant to ask for "The Little Prince." Except you weren't. I'd be a little worried this school was teaching my daughter to be a conspiratorial, conniving courtesan of unusual intelligence and, frankly, a borderline evil genius.

Incidentally, where does your daughter go to school and how high is tuition?

Dear Cute Mamasita,

I'm sorry your brother is in jail, and also that you don't know when he'll be getting out. I hope those books I showed you about personal computing and auto repair will be to his liking. When you said he worked in a place that only dealt with "…the best, expensive cars. Infinity and Mercedes," I really thought you were going to end the sentence with "chop shop," so for that I apologize. I mean he still might have, but I don't want to make assumptions. I hope he gets some good vocational training while he's there.

Also, lose the sideburns and we'll talk.

Dear Guy at Newsstand,

I hope you weren't offended that I talked out loud to myself/the magazines as I worked. I noticed you had Tourette syndrome and likely some form of autism. Figured it'd be ruder to censor innocent behavior because you were there than engaging in it like you were anyone else. I also figure you'd be pretty understanding.

Dear Guy Next to Guy at Newsstand,

Stop being such a judgmental asshole. If the autistic kid didn't care, why should you?

Dear Dad in Business Attire Reading to His Kid on the Floor,

I could see you were not wearing any socks. Why did you smell like fresh socks? Not even old socks, but fresh-from-the-bag, elastic-y smelling new socks? That's kind of a weird superpower, but it seems pretty cool too.

On Piracy (The Real Kind, Not The Fun Kind)

Let's just let the RIAA sue any Somalians who steal from us.
I'm sure that'll be incredibly effective.

So apparently, when you board an American commercial vessel, hold the crew hostage and try to steal all their stuff, we kill your crew and try the lone survivor for piracy. That's a pretty straight-forward, sensical system, I'd say.

Well, apparently, when you try and convict him, you place him in American prison for 33 years.

Yes, he turned to a life of gang-based violence in order to escape the crippling destitution and starvation rampant in his nation. And as punishment for that, we're paying to lock him in a gang-based, violent compound where there is no money but free food and medical treatment.

Man, taking an American hostage is like the Somalian Pirate fucking retirement package. I mean, if you survive and all.