Showing posts with label Transformers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Transformers. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

GI Joes: Reassassination

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is set to come out soon. Again. It was about to come out this past year, but they delayed it by months at the last moment, ostensibly to convert the entire fricking thing to 3D. Early test audiences, though, suggested it might have been because the movie was at that point a huge steaming pile.

Originally, Marlon Wayans and Channing Tatum, protagonists Ripcord and Duke from The Rise of Cobra, were killed in the first 20 minutes of the movie along with 98% of the Joe team, thus instigating the Retaliation part of the movie.

Channing Tatum since became a huge success late this year, after releasing 21 Jump Street (a guys' comedy) and Magic Mike (a chick-flick schlick-fest). In between he also starred in a wildly successful Nicholas Sparks adaptation and the equally unrealistic–yet in this case based-on-truth–The Vow. Unsurprisingly, Tatum is now featured prominently on the new poster and in the new trailer for Retaliation, very much alive, and has reportedly filmed a few "updated" scenes. You know, like a whole new plot.

The funny thing is, this isn't the first time Duke has been saved from the cutting room floor.

In 1987, G.I. Joe: The Movie was released by Hasbro, following the original animated Transformers movie, in which Optimus Prime drove off to that great big parking lot in the sky. Duke, it was decided, was going to bite the big one as well. However, after getting shot and "dying," fans were pretty violently outraged.

So when Duke got shot, the script was quickly rewritten to include dialogue about Duke being "in a coma" and–I shit you not–at the very end of the film, as the Joes defeat the forces of Cobra-La and cheer, a character reporting they have heard through off-camera radio transmission that "Duke's awake!"

"Scarlet, I need you to know … that I've always … loved … Bob's Big Boy."
"And … GO NAVY!…"
*Dies*

You know, you think one Lazarus act should be enough to convince a studio not to kill a character, but they had to unkill Duke twice. At least Optimus came back within the same movie this time. Sheesh.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I Hope I Become Famous | Boston | We Might All Me Murdered

Today was very much A DAY. Lots of things, all EXTREME, possibly with extra X's, none of it terribly consequential.

The takeaways:


1. I have a featured column up at Good Men Project!

Right on the front page, "above the scroll," AND IN THE SLIDESHOW!
Direct link here: Transformers as an Allegory for Transsexualism in America.
(It originally appeared on here and will likely make it into my book one day, if Michael Bay doesn't sue me or make a gritty reboot of my book.)


2. I'm Headed up to Boston for a long weekend celebrating a friend's birthday. We will be touring the Sam Adams brewery and then attending a Red Sox game. It is entirely expected for us to be molested, ejected, and hopefully respected for returning home alive. Also, we may not all return from this alive. We knew what we signed up for though.

That said, blogs are going to be sparse the next few days, but I should be posting some interesting photos, quotes, or anecdotes as they unfold. Also, I may ask for bail.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Rejected Transsexual Transformer Photos

Being the nerd I am, I had a 20th Anniversary collector's edition Optimus Prime just lying around, so I set out to post some kind of "Does this mysteriously appearing trailor make my ass look big?" or at least a "All this energon is going to go straight to my servomotors!" joke. You know, something base and stereotypically gayish to juxtapose the seriousness of the discussion.

Well, it all just ended up one horrifyingly offensive photoshoot. Honestly, I'm a little surprised it didn't end with me smoking a cigarette on the casting couch and Optimus sobbing quietly into his unmarked bills and a rumpled sports bra in the lobby as I called him a cab.

Anyway, there were some pretty insensitive images of Optimus Prime even I thought were in bad taste. So here they are!

"Oh, you!"The coquettish legs were hard at first, but then I just couldn't get his wrist to bend without looking
just terribly limp. Sultry Jessica Rabbit poses were also impossible.

"Strike a pose!"
Jazz hands and spirit fingers were both unachievable, but worse yet one of his wrists was
loose and a limited range of motion nullified Prime's ability to properly 'Vogue.'

"Whatever. You know I look good."
Actually, this one was too heteronormative. Just looks like a very diesel Ambercrombie ad.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Transformers As an Allegory for Transsexuality In America


Lately I've been reading an old webcomic called Venus Envy. It's an interesting premise, the daily life and somewhat unique trials of a 14 year old transsexual somewhere a little less understanding than a liberal college town.

I highly recommend it, not for the art, which is adorably … er, rough for most of the series ("it get's better"), but for the subject matter. The stories are interesting and have a perspective most of us don't get to hear from barring a very special episode of "Glee." Eventually some of the more surreal elements take over and, as with any loosely autobio project, an actual plot emerges as a way of wrapping up the fictional bits, which kind of takes away from the slice-of-slice aspect. It's not bad, it's just a change.

Beside the MTF bisexual protagonist are a lesbian, about thirty other lesbians, a straight FTM transsexual, and a fairly straight transvestite. Last night, I finished a chapter that explains that last one with a pretty adorable diagram of boys and girls who like girls and boys or boys and girls, and the occasional boy who still likes girls but also to dress like a girl sometimes. The lesbian is rather confused.

Essential, if gender is performative and sexuality an expression of innate desire, a "straight" crossdresser might be considered "transperformative." But not transportative. That would be a body dysmorphic Transformer.

Oh, yeah. Last night I also fell asleep after watching a bunch of "Transformers."

The two must have joined forces in my subconscious, because as I showered this morning, a realization dawned on me:

Transformers can be construed as a dissertation on transsexuality in modern America.


Now, before we continue, I should note that, as a giant nerd, I know on what Transformers is a dissertation. It's selling toys. Made by a Japanese company. Originally, a bunch of toys they had lying around.

But hear me out. If there's anything I learned in Intro to Crit, it's that creators get very little say in how we read their works, mainly because we read whatever the hell we want to see in past works. So what the hell, let's exercise some cognitive irreverence.

The over-simplified reading is Autobots and Decepticons disguise who they are with a different but familiar covering. This would be akin to saying an army sniper is a transspeciesist for dressing up like a bush. Camouflage is not the same as identity.

Transformation was developed, depending on continuity, as a covert military tactic, however it is a partially biological function. Transformers, silicon-based life forms, contain within them a biomechanical organ called a T-cog, which enables the process of transformation. Personally, I ascribe to the theory that this is a function of a high-energy reaction fueling the fundamental element of Cybertronian life: reconfiguring swarms of nanobots, but that's a bit of a digression.

The important take-away is that transformation is an inherent property of a Cybertronian. It is not performative any more than respiration or–perhaps more aptly–running is to humans. However, the manner in which a Transformer acquires its alternate mode is something of a murky matter.

Like gender and sexuality, a Transformer gains the quality of its "disguise" both biologically and socially. Cybertronians, when not crafted directly from raw materials by the ethereal tools of their godlike forebears (themselves creations of the multiversal singularity and embodiment of creation held over from the universe which preceded ours), are "birthed" as protoforms from biomechanical pods. These pods convey upon the protoform both locally acquired vehicle/animal mode and party allegiance.

"Boy bots wish they looked this good."
Let me repeat that. While the process of transformation is biologically inherent to all Transformers, what they transform into and even the worldviews set down over their base personalities are impressed upon them by Ideological and Repressive State Apparati. They are literally programed what to look like and who to hate.

It is possible for a Transformer to switch its alternate mode and even its affiliation, though the latter is quite rare. More often personal agendas have more to do with breaking allegiances than ideological or moral differences. As to the former, vehicle guises are often switched as a result of a change in semi-permanent location, in order to better blend in. This process, however, usually requires "reformatting," which outside of Michael Bay's film universe, is a rather lengthy and resource-draining process requiring specialized machinery. (Or the multiversal singularity and embodiment of destruction which was split from the original essence of the last being from a previous universe. Either/or, really.)

Yet Cybertronians seem to take reformatting in stride, as if there were nothing they could do about it. That's just the way outside forces made them. As much as Decepticons might prod at perceived lacks in a vehicle mode's performance, Autobots and Maximals know that its a bot's character that determines worth.


Of course, according to Michael Bay all Transformers choose their own disguises, and they all choose either Chevy or GM makes because Chevy and GM are American and if you choose to change into anything foreign, that means you are a spineless capitulating sissy-nancy who hates a Mer'ca.

"You mean I'll never be pretty?"
Then again, that kind of over-performance just reeks of drag queens.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

On Equal Loathing of All Teenagers



Just so as to be fair to the 14 year old girls I verbally assaulted in yesterday's post, the same date I encountered a group of about six males, aged approximately 16 years. One asked another if he had purchased tickets for a concert yet. This male retorted:

"They're all just computers now." He was not going to a concert because all his bands were over-produced and prerecorded. Nothing was life.

Then his friend said, "All bands are computers now."

In what world of non-stop dubstep WUBWUBWUBWUBWUB-ing do you have to live where you believe all music is the atonal equivalent to two Transformers fucking in a room full of industrial metallurgy equipment. Jesus Christ, I know I was young and stupid when I was sixteen, but at least I had the decency to listen to classic rock when I thought modern music was garbage.

Alright, when I was sixteen I was a certifiable genius. Okay, and I was like 43.

Basically, I've been 43 forever. I'm Mork from Ork. (Even though that show off-the-air 4 years when I was born, which, incidentally, reiterates my point about being anachronistically awesome.)

Man, I would have given those kids a Stern Old Man lecture, if I wasn't so sure they could beat me up.

Friday, March 16, 2012

80s Cartoons Were Wonderfully Awful

"I FECKIN LOVE RUNNING THROUGH SPACE!
AND KILLING THINGS! AND SMOKING!"
I recently went channel surfing and found something called "The Hub," which at midnight at least showcases Generation 1 Transformers episodes backed up by original G.I. Joe. Basically, it's my childhood mornings and I couldn't be happier.

These characters talk about murdering the hell out of each other, though. Every six seconds, Galvatron is demanding they kill a Prime, or Dr. Mindbender is working with deadly neurotoxins.

And copyrights? Well, they were at least kind of alluded to. Mostly they were just thinly veiled. Example to both of the last points: A James Bong knock-off who looks exactly like Burt Reynolds of 1984 just entered a mobbed-up ritzy club called "Ritzy Club." Then he made references to smoking and hit on a woman by pandering and treating her like a child.

Oh, and no one writing these shows has ever heard of the concept "Show, don't tell." In their defense, animation was really really hard. I mean, you had to pay a Korean studio to draw all those little pictures. Better to just reuse footage of a head nod an have a bunch of words spoken off-camera, then show someone diving from an explosion. So, really no change. Except now it's a Korean computer studio.

Of course I also watched Mighty Max last week and it was exactly the same, so maybe I just love really lame TV regardless of age, so long as they straight-up try to murder characters left and right. That's sure improve the Disney Channel.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

What Russian Scients May Find at the Bottom of Lake Vostock

  1. Megatron

  2. Cthulhu. Alternately: Godzilla, Nessie, or lizard men guarding an opening to the inside of our hollow Earth


  3. Bacterial to destroy us all

  4. Amelia Earhart, married to Aquaman and ruling Atlantis

  5. M. Night Shyamalan.


  6. Some previously unknown species of little shrimp or something.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

On Vehicular Robocide

I almost got run down by a white minivan today. It nearly didn't obey a stop sign and I would have gotten smashed trying to make my left after actually stopping for my own sign.

But you know what? Not mad.

Because this dinky white minivan was wearing the Autobot logo emblazoned on his hood.

Roll out, brobot.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Michael Bay Is the Natural Outgrowth of CGI

Every so often I ask my grandmother what she thinks of the experience when she and her 90 year old friend buy one movie ticket each and then sneak into two others afterward. (Hey, when she was a kid, 5¢ got you a couple cartoons, a movie, a newsreel, another movie and popcorn.)

Color was a big deal for her. Sound was newfangled and hokey to her mother. So what does my grandmother think when she watched a car eject a young man, turn into a giant robot in front of her, shoot another giant robot that used to be some kind of Dodge she doesn't recognize, then turn back into a car and catch the tiny screaming fellow?

I really try to ask politely, hoping that one day she'll give me an answer like, "Well, I know it can't be real, but movies were never real. It looks real, which I guess is the new thing, but it's like seeing a movie, I guess. You just know that whatever is impossible is a cute trick designed to sell a story."

"How do they do that?" is all she ever says.

And before I can ever guide the conversation back the way I want it to go, mom interjects with, "Computers."

I think this is where we're all going, though. We just come to expect the impossible in front of us every time we sit down to watch a block-buster these days. Do you know what the big innovation for "Die Hard" was? Shoes that looked like feet. (So Bruce Willis could run through broken glass safely.) Now, every time I watch a Camaro turn into a fucking giant robot, I get pissy if it doesn't look perfect in the right lighting, or if it doesn't make the right sound.

We're in an escalating war against Suspension of Disbelief. We demand crazier and crazier shit and we demand that it be presented to us in such a way that we can stomach the heightened difference. Eventually, we're just going to get more desensitized and ask for more explosions in the next summer boomfest.

But screw lens flare, that just distracts from the explosions.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Transformers: Dark of the Moon | Michael Bay Makes the Prettiest Spectacles


God damn it, Michael Bay.

You just had to go and make good on your promises of more of the 'good' stuff from Transformers 2 and less of the annoying, overtly racist ball-jokes. Rosie Huntington-Whitely manages to be the hot, damsel-in-distress stereotype Bay always wanted Megan Fox to be, but without all that problematic "I can take care of myself, women are real people, you know" crap. And yes, she does end up looking pretty hot most of the time, even if she looks like a French bull dog.

As a Brit, she's probably more upset that I called her a Frenchie.
I already know I probably have to buy this movie on Blu-Ray when it comes out. I'm even tempted to go back and buy your last travesty just for the coherent narrative, but I think I've got a compromise worked out.

When I read a certain XKCD comic, I sold off my latter two Matrix movies (Matrices?), and assure myself that there was a single great movie with no sequels. After Revenge of the Fallen, I decided to wait and see how awful the third one would be, because as those never-real movies had taught me, the second film's credibility is more dependent on what it leads into than where it came from.

And damn you, you did it. You made a better sequel and actually seem to have learned something from your own mistakes and made the best fanboy summer spectacle you could. It's a visual orgy of scrap metal with a soundtrack that could have been scored by the guy who did The Dark Knight. (Actually it was Steve Joblonsky, but he's worked on Transformers before, plus quite a few high-caliber films and a ton of horror/suspense.)

So here's the deal: I am probably going to own you on disc, Dark Side. I am going to own you, and I am going to put you next to Transformers 1, but I am going to stick a Post-It note on your cover, and that Post-It will have written on it all the little details carried over from Movie 2 and I'll pretend it doesn't exist otherwise.
  • A few other Autobots came to Earth.
  • Megatron was revived but got his ass handed to him again, and he hurts.
  • Sam has a couple of pet mini-bots now.
DONE.

Now I can be happy and watch my giant robots kill each other and not worry about bonehead plot lines or pandering, lowest-common-denominator stereotypes. This movie really just has a trio of British rugby hooligans and a Ferrari that might have been French for some reason.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit fuck fuck shit fuck ass shiiiiiiii-
Actually, that digression comes back to where I wanted to end up anyway:

I will NOT be posting any important spoilers today. For once, and I can't believe I'm typing these words, this is a Michael Bay movie you really need to see.

Some fun things to look for, though:
  • At one point, I'm pretty sure Bumblebee gets punched in the robo-junk.
  • WE TOTALLY GET TO SEE OPTIMUS' TRAILER DO SOMETHING!
  • Another half-dozen B+ List comedians and relatively serious actors making cameos, including Alan "Wash" Tudyk!
  • Three different U.S. President impersonators.
  • Some of the Decepticon invasion scenes you glimpse in the trailers are pretty intense. I think the whole movie was actually trying to make up for the lack of any human fatalities in the original cartoon. And I think they do it. Lot of implied death with explosions. At least one guy gets shot by a giant bullet unprotected, and there's one shot with a disintegrator ray gun thing that evokes a pretty iconic scene from the Terminator franchise.
  • Leonard Nemoy voices a central character, and shares scenes with Peter Cullen's Optimus Prime. The two previously worked together voicing Optimus and Megatron's rebuilt persona "Galvatron" in the original 1985 Transformers: The Movie. (Which incidentally took place in 2005.) Daniel Riordan, Megatron's original voice actor, provided lungs for Bay's series' Starscream. To hear them each interact at various points is wonderful.
  • The next Twilight movie had a preview, probably for all the sexy ladies who got dragged to the theater by their explosionally-aroused boyfriends.
All-in-all, it was a great time. It is three hours long, so make sure you pee just beforehand. Some of the people in my theater also found other ways to amuse themselves; one group of kids entered the theater reeking of weed, so they were going for the "pretty lights in 3D while stoned" approach, and I cannot in any way fault their logic. I bet the movie was even more magical for them than it was for me.

I also found an opened Lifestyles condom wrapper outside the other theater on my way out, so I imagine somebody had the wonderful experience of actually making love to a Transformers movie. That nerd just had the fucking night of his life. Peter Cullen's voice is just so sensuous.

Just wish he'd splurged for a Trojan. We don't need any more little Decepticons running around.