Sign Number 3,720 That I'm A Pretentious Asshole

"Stay Yellow! Stay Yellow!"

Mensa, the internationa organization for smartass intellectuals with disposable income and a pathological need to brag about themselves to anyone who may even tangentially be within shouting distance, gave the online version of their entrance away for free this month.

The actual test, mind you, must be taken in person, in a controlled environment, and it costs you $18 for the privilege.

Assuming you pass this test–and by pass, that means you score at or above 98% of humanity which is, sadly, not terribly difficult it seems–you are given the honor of being offered membership into a universal, multi-ethnic, multicultural, multifaceted club for hobnobbing and bragging rites. All for the low price of another $80 per year.

Now, I love collecting useless skills and titles. They're the easiest thing to store. Every time I hear him refer to himself as "The Reverend Sir Doctor Senator Stephen T. Mos Def Colbert, D.F.A., Heavyweight Champion of the World**" I giggle a little internally.

I'm racking up a solid chunk of credentials, but it's not exactly that impressive just yet. I think I'm around "Reverend David E. Zucker, B.A." Somehow I need to work in the Phi Beta Kappa "ΦBK," but it doesn't seem possible. Nor, would it seem likely I could add a Mensa honorific to my business cards without forcing it and looking exactly like the type of asshole who would superfluously put Mensa and ΦBK membership on his business cards. Still I'm considering it, and for this reason alone:

When I took that practice test, I had fun.

Clearly, if I'm the type of guy who enjoys taking an IQ test for an hour in between playing knock-off Boggle and Words-with-Friends on his iPhone, reading comic books, and creating vector art, I must be the type of asshole who belongs with other assholes who take tests for fun.

They should build a special camp for us. In outer space. They could call it "Asshole Camp."

On Honors and Societies

I was going through a stack of papers today trying to clean off my desk–which incidentally I only use for storing my desk supplies and to hold up my printer–and I came across part of a short story I'd written.

It was only a few pages from a rough draft; to save paper I'd print out a copy, edit it and then stick in back in my printer when I needed to print something unofficial like a coupon or a new edit. In any event I flipped a few pages to ensure there wasn't anything else mixed in with it. The phrase I read which verified this was describing a character as "Phi-Beta-something or other."

Incidentally, immediately beneath that in my stack of crap happened to be my induction ceremony programs, memento catalog and framed certificate from, you guessed it, Phi-Beta-Kappa.

Under that was my bachelor's degree.

Man, I gotta get around to hanging that shit. For the time being I've compromised; they're sitting on top of my printer. You know, at least until I need to print something again.