Sign Number 3,720 That I'm A Pretentious Asshole

"Stay Yellow! Stay Yellow!"

Mensa, the internationa organization for smartass intellectuals with disposable income and a pathological need to brag about themselves to anyone who may even tangentially be within shouting distance, gave the online version of their entrance away for free this month.

The actual test, mind you, must be taken in person, in a controlled environment, and it costs you $18 for the privilege.

Assuming you pass this test–and by pass, that means you score at or above 98% of humanity which is, sadly, not terribly difficult it seems–you are given the honor of being offered membership into a universal, multi-ethnic, multicultural, multifaceted club for hobnobbing and bragging rites. All for the low price of another $80 per year.

Now, I love collecting useless skills and titles. They're the easiest thing to store. Every time I hear him refer to himself as "The Reverend Sir Doctor Senator Stephen T. Mos Def Colbert, D.F.A., Heavyweight Champion of the World**" I giggle a little internally.

I'm racking up a solid chunk of credentials, but it's not exactly that impressive just yet. I think I'm around "Reverend David E. Zucker, B.A." Somehow I need to work in the Phi Beta Kappa "ΦBK," but it doesn't seem possible. Nor, would it seem likely I could add a Mensa honorific to my business cards without forcing it and looking exactly like the type of asshole who would superfluously put Mensa and ΦBK membership on his business cards. Still I'm considering it, and for this reason alone:

When I took that practice test, I had fun.

Clearly, if I'm the type of guy who enjoys taking an IQ test for an hour in between playing knock-off Boggle and Words-with-Friends on his iPhone, reading comic books, and creating vector art, I must be the type of asshole who belongs with other assholes who take tests for fun.

They should build a special camp for us. In outer space. They could call it "Asshole Camp."

On Celebrity Look-Alikes

It struck to me today, whilst terrifying myself with the plastic-surgery-obscuring removable half-jacket on Michael Jackson's autobiography, just how much his likeness was the basis for the character design of Harry Potter's Lord Voldemort.

It's uncanny, really.

• Removed his real hair

• Thin, almost non-existent lips

• Removal of the chin

• Bleaching of the skin

• Obsession with male children

And, of course, there's that whole ashamed-of-and-ignore-his-extended-family thing. But mostly, it's the pedophile albino boa constrictor angle.

An Open Letter to Nikki Minaj, From Her Cardiologist

I'm pretty sure they made Nikki Minaj out of whatever was left
from building Katy Perry's California Gurls set.

Ms. Minaj,


This is to confirm the results of the blood work and chem panels ordered at your last visit on 23 March. We agree to disclose these test results herein at your request in light of your hectic travel schedule.

All lab results came back nominal, with no significant aberrations or abnormalities to be concerned with. Cholesterol is slightly elevated, but well within normal ranges for age, sex, and race. Glucose levels are good, blood pressure normal.

We would like to schedule an appointment at your earliest convenience for follow-up testing to determine that cause of your recently reported episodes. Though it does not seem likely and your blood work is not troubling in any way, based solely on your oral description we would like to rule out the possibility of a mild tachycardic arrhythmia.

Such a condition would require only mild medication and could most likely be managed with simple diet and steady exercise. Again, we stress that your previous check-ups and history are not strongly indicative of this possibility.

In the meantime we suggest a mild diet, balanced sugar intake, and a slight reduction in salt consumption. Perhaps, switch to dating scrawny white men for the time being and report if episodes decrease in frequency.


Regards,

Dr. Jigga Mogol